Thursday, December 31, 2009
Inside the Mind of a Child
Augusta, Ga. - Emmie is commenting on a recent photo and using some distasteful language in describing it. No woman likes to be described as big and fat.
"Look, Emmie, we've talked about this before. I understand what you mean, but you can't say those...
No Respect for the Dead! Rest in Peace, Payne Stewart
Augusta, Ga. - We're talking about my golf game with my dad that we enjoyed yesterday, laughing at my score and the many layers in which I was bundled.
"When I play golf, I do it Payne Stewart style," J.C. laughs.
"What - in knickers? Or dead?" J.C.2...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
How to Teach Your Child Manners (and Lose)
Emmie's getting this for her birthday, the little smarty-pants.
Augusta, Ga. - I try to teach Emmie manners, but I also try to teach her to think for herself. Those two goals battled one Friday night.
About three weeks ago, the Knology installer was...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Top Ten Phrases That Should be Banned
Augusta, Ga. - This is - mostly - a list of phrases I've been compiling for a while. But today I heard one that took the absolutely breath right out of my lungs for its sheer absurdity. I'll end with it, because nothing - NOTHING - can top it.
1....
Friday, December 25, 2009
Up-Up is Now Down-Down, and Down-Up is Now Up-Down!
Augusta, Ga. - We have a new laundry "room" in our house, which is to say we have a smallish pantry that tries desperately to hold our washer and dryer in their entirety, and is mostly successful.
Except.
There is always an "except." Because it was...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sick on Christmas - I Could Use a Little Comfort and Joy!
Augusta, Ga. - I have what I think is strep throat, and I'm couching it for now. Reading "Hound of the Baskervilles" (which may never end) and drinking lots of Diet Coke. I mean orange juice! Yeah...
Emmie has been very sweet, asking me how I feel,...
Southland in the Winter
Augusta, Ga. -
"Mom? Is it Chrissmass?"
"Almost. It's Christmas Eve."
She gives a gasp of delight, and then frowns: "But der's no snowflakes in da air."
"No, we don't live in a city where it's cold enough to snow."
"But do I hab skapes?"
"Skates?...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I Was Never Like This, Was I, Mom? ....Mom? Hello?
Augusta, GA. - Through the haze of not-listening-trying-to-work, I pick up a few phrases from conversations around me. Words like "protest" and "crowd" and "sidewalk," and some part of my brain makes a note to ask about it in a few minutes. Then the...
It is Not Necessary to Tell Everyone No Just Because You Can
Augusta, Ga. - I seem to have the wrong fax number, and I need to fax over a contract to a client, so I call over to the main desk.
"Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you, but may I have your fax number, please?"
"We don't accept faxes."
"Oh, no, I mean,...
Lilliput's Got NOTHING on These Folks
Augusta, GA. - I'm trying to explain ad changes to H.Y., and muddying things pretty darn well.
"So, can we just use the banner they sent?" she asks.
"Yeah, with modifications, that will work. Because all advertising has to be approved by Charlaine...
Get Rich Quick!
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Sunday, December 20, 2009
Observations from the Mall, Part Two
Augusta, Ga. - I got in line at Barnes & Noble, and then got back out to look at a display. And then I got back in to make my purchase."I'm sorry! I suck!" I said to the nice grandmotherly clerk at the counter."It's okay," she said, and rang up...
Observations at the Mall
Augusta, Ga.-
We're outside the calendar store at the Augusta Mall. There's a guy lurking around, his very DNA clamoring for attention.
"Look: That dude thinks he's Robert Pattinson," I observe.
A.C. watches a moment: "He's wrong."
...
On the Plus Side, They're Running Out of Ways to Annoy Me
Augusta, Ga. - Scott comes shuffling in with a coffee mug and a wry grin.
"You remember how I told you we had a month's worth of newspapers coming?" he says.
"Um, yeah...?"
"Well, they gave us a week."
"Really? I haven't seen it."
"At the old house....
Saturday, December 19, 2009
What Age is Too Early for THE TALK About the Birds and the Bees?
Augusta, GA. -
We're having a slow morning, and Emmie is watching cartoons while eating her breakfast.
"Mom?" Emmie says.
"Yeah, Doodle?"
"Where do babies come from?"
What - seriously? She's four! Don't I get a little bit longer before I have to...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Perfume? It's Eau de Fear de Zombies
Augusta, Ga. -
"Honey, I'm going to get the mail," I call to my husband as I survey the front yard through the windows. It's dark outside, and wet.
"I comin' too, Mama!" Emmie thunders to the front door. She loves the mailbox, even though it's practically...
Monday, December 14, 2009
A Simple "Thank You" Would Have Sufficed...
Augusta, Ga. - Two co-workers having a conversation..."Those jeans really are flattering on you.""You may enjoy my heinie as I walk away."Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobi...
The Princess & the Frog - Redux
"We were listening to NPR and these women were saying that, other than Obama's election, this was the defining moment in their lives, because Disney made a movie about black people," A.C. says.
"ONE black person. The rest of them are animals - and...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Just Perpetuate the Stereotype, Clerky Clerk
Augusta, Ga. - I'm at the gas station on Deans Bridge Road, for obvious reasons. But the pump won't take my card.Swipe.Nothing.Swipe. Nothing.Swipe...BEEPBEEP! BEEPBEEP! All the other patrons turn, like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," to stare at...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Princess & the Frog: A Review
Augusta, Ga. - I was excited about taking Emerson to see "The Princess & The Frog." She loves her some princesses, and I remember in high school when some girls were happy that Disney was finally showing a princess with brown hair and brown eyes...
Let's All Try it!
"That's a great job, Emmie! How did you get so smart?""Wull, I fink in my brain!"Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobi...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A Battle of Wits
My boss and Emmie having a battle of wits - and Emmie's winning, LOL!Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobi...
Feeling the Love in the Office
Augusta, Ga. - The discussion about what people will be wearing never ends. I mean, I know we're mostly girls here, but does that mean we have to live up to the stereotype?
Okay, yes. It does.
Anyway. It continues.
"See y'all later," A.W. and A.C....
What are YOU Wearing Tonight?
Augusta, Ga. - Our company party is tonight. These people have seen me with my dress tucked in my pantyhose, and I've had to drive more than one of them home from previous parties (I had to carry one diminutive person to my car). But everyone wants...
Life is Made of Small Moments
Augusta, GA. -
Emmie is fascinated by the trash collection truck, with its giant motorized claw to dump the trash cans into the compactor. Every Tuesday and Friday she's at the window, clapping, for the driver. "Yay! He's doing it!"
Last Friday,...
Spellcheck is Your Friend
Augusta, Ga. -
This headline caps an Associated Press filing about unspent money.
"Unspect bailout cash to renew spending fight"
And I'm sure Margaret Woodard would be surprised to hear that her title has been changed to the ExecTUVIE Director.
"Authority...
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Lesson Learned
"Mmm. I love edamame," I coo over the Pad Thai I made. I know it isn't a traditional ingredient - but it sure is good.
"Let me try," Scott says, and pops one in his mouth. "Mmm. Yum."
I go back to stirring.
"Hey, what's edamame?" He asks.
"Japanese...
Emmie's Dream
"Guess what? I dream dat the all da Toyland and all da Candyland wuz not cool. Dey was UNcool. Dey was RUINED. An' only one fing will get dem change back: I hafta get da RING."
... "Um, what ring, Doodle?"
"Da ring das magic."
I swear she didn't...
Monday, December 07, 2009
Gift Ideas for Teachers, Christmas 2009
Augusta, GA. - I have a lot of teachers and teachers-to-be in my extended family. And every year they get a treasure trove of sweet little gifts from their students.
But there's only so much coffee a teacher can drink, and only so many places to put...
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Winning Friends & Influencing People...
Augusta, Ga. - Emmie has managed to guilt me into getting out of my sickbed and doing holiday stuff downtown.We saw the Christmas parade, stopped by the Commons, and were just getting to The Boll Weevil for dinner, when Emmie spotted someone she had...
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Daily Papers Should Blame Themselves, Not the Economy
Augusta, Ga. - Scott came into the bedroom where I was groaning in general funkitude. I'm sick, and whiny. He had an apprehensive look on his face. Oh, god. What now?
"I just wanted to tell you that we'll be getting the daily again," he said, slowly.
We...
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Maybe There Should Be a "Dadnesia" Too...
I'm feverish, sick, coughing my guts out, so Scott went to the drugstore for me. Here was the list I gave him:
- Mucinex
- Emergen-c (or similar, in pill form, no drinky)
- Citrus-flavored cough lozenges
- vanilla ice cream with some kind of chocolate...
I Blame Purell
Augusta, Ga - I am enjoying a raging cold. Fever, coughing, stuffy nose... Oh, you know the whole dang NyQuil commercial.
But I think Emmie's school might have taken the swine flu scare a little too seriously...
"Mama, you sick?" Emmie asks, then...
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Driving Me Crazy
Scott and I are getting ready to take the car to the shop.
"What's the fastest way?" I ask. He tells me. It requires me to turn left out of our driveway, from which one cannot see over the hill to the right. I'm not about to get broadsided, and I almost...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Five-Year Bitch
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Pre-Thanksgiving Desperation
Augusta, Ga. - Serving utensils. Weeks of careful menu preparation for a gathering that grew overnight from 8 to 13, and it will all be foiled by an inability to get food from cooking container to plate.
"Crap!" I said to my husband. "It was the...
Publishing Presents a Problem
AUGUSTA, GA. - We're looking over the December issue of Metro Augusta Parent before it goes to press. The cover shot is of a bunch of kids playing with one of Parent's toy picks of the year: Elmo's Tickle Hands.
These furry gloves look just like...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Paula Deen Halloween Costume for 2010
Augusta, Ga. - From our graphics dept. Only $19.95.Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobi...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Willy Wonka & the Weather Factory
"Mama, dat cloud machine is makin' too many clouds today."
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobi...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
And Educators Everywhere Smack Their Foreheads in Dismay...
Augusta, Ga. - Emmie asked me a question about the sun today, which lead to a discussion on gravity, which lead to some paper plates being thrown across the room (made sense at the time). Suddenly, she said something genius: "Iss like da plate is da...
'Tis the Season... For Poopy Attitudes!
Augusta, Ga. - It's a good thing that Emmie was engrossed in the idea that I might not take her to see the gingerbread village at the Augusta Museum of History. She didn't hear the two customers at the Deans Bridge Road Wal-Mart cussing each other out...
Friday, November 20, 2009
This Video Never Fails to Amuse Me (Note: I am Easily Amused)
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Is America's Army the Police Force for the World?
Nope. It's just Emmie.
"Honey, get off that and let's go, please."
"Mama!" She scoffs. "I'm tryeend to breetett da world!"
Oh. My bad.
"There aren't any aliens around, darling."
"Dat's cause dey're in space."
"But we're on earth."
"But dey're...
Walking the Social + Emotional Minefield
Em and I are walking out of the schoolhouse door when a little boy in her class stops us.
"Emmie got a said face," he sneers.
Instantly, her face collpases.
"Em," I warn. She's already had one crying fit over the bad mark, and I'm not looking forward...
