Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Too much Lisa Frank in grade school

Tuesday, September 03, 2013 By

"Mama? Would you like to be a unicorn?" Emerson asked me.

"Heck, yeah, because then I could stab bad guys with my head," I laughed.

"Dat's not berry nice, Mama," she chided, and then grinned: "But it IS funny."

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Emerson responds to the death of Neil Armstrong

Tuesday, August 27, 2013 By

Me: "Aw, so sad. Neil Armstrong died."

Emerson: "Oh, that is sad. He was one of our first moonwalkers."

Me: "Yep. Do you remember what he said on the moon?"

Emerson: "No...?"

Me: "He said, 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Emerson: "Wull, that's not cool. Why couldn't he say womankind?"


So I tried to explain the definition of mankind, and she just shook her head.

"He could have said 'humankind,' and that would have included everybody."

There was no point in trying to explain poetic license. She was having none of that.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Downtown stupidity

Monday, August 05, 2013 By

Me: People downtown Augusta are stupid as all get out at 2 a.m. How had I forgotten this?

Coworker: I don't really think there's any place where groups of people aren't stupid at 2 a.m.

Me: A Mensa convention?

Friday, July 19, 2013

Multiculturalism might have missed him

Friday, July 19, 2013 By

Co-worker: Is the intern French?
Me: She's from Brazil, but her parents are Japanese.
Co-worker: So, French,  basically.
Me: Or... not at ALL French.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Get off my... square of land that has no grass whatsoever

Saturday, July 13, 2013 By

Let me tell you people about how annoyingly old and curmudgeonly I have become.

I just called the cops on a couple of college students signing people up for newspaper subscriptions. Thanks, Morris Communications, for unleashing their legendary entitlement issues on my sick-at-home Saturday.

I don't buy from Morris, because they won't stop leaving the completely useless "Augusta Shopper" in my driveway. On top of that, I have some sort of stomach thing going on, and I am kicking it like a pimp on my couch in my jammies, when this girl banged on my door and wanted me to sign up for their FYI publication (the name of which they stole from either "FYI Magazine" at Fort Gordon or re-runs of "Murphy Brown," because they know they can get away with it, being Morris, and all). 

She got really agitated and I said goodbye and closed the door. Then she started yelling obscenities in my window! I was like, "Are you kidding me? Please leave." And she kept on, so I ACTUALLY SAID "Get off my lawn!" 

People, I don't even have a lawn! It's a 5x5 bit of trees and shrubbery and those wood chips they put down because they think they're decorative but they actually look like a 1970s McDonald's playground was hit by an alien laser beam. Anyway, the cops came and told them to leave the neighborhood. 

But all I need is a wife beater shirt and a porch from which to glare at children, and I can go all Boo Radley on this neighborhood.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I am jealous of my 8-year-old's life!

Friday, May 24, 2013 By

Emerson talked to my mom last night.

Mom: So, what did you do today?

Emerson: "Wull, I won four awards at school, because I am like a PRO at that, and then we went to tha store, then we went to tha ribber, and I climbed aaaaaalll ober da waterfalls and dunked in tha wadder, an' I fell down and made a AWESOME bruise on my knee, and now I'm lyin' on tha couch eating French cheese, naked."

Her life is EPIC.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Imaginary friends are the best kind

Monday, May 20, 2013 By

Alice: "You doing anything tomorrow night?"

Me: "I might manually declaw my cat. Why?"

Alice: "Want to come to my book club?"

Me: "Sure. What book should I pretend to have read?"

Me: "Cool. I need to do more pretend reading."

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Homeless Man in My Attic - A True Story

Friday, May 17, 2013 By

So, last night, I went to wake Emerson as part of the new no-bed-wetting ritual. It was 2 a.m., and she was like a furious bunny, hopping around in anger. That was fun.

Between her and the now-excited cat, I was wide awake. So I started to go downstairs... only to notice that the attic light was on.

I haven't been up in the attic in weeks. In fact, I've only been up there once since we moved in.

Holy shit. Someone was living in our attic.

I'd heard some weird stomping footsteps a couple of times this last week. I figured it was the cat - except earlier yesterday evening, when I heard them again and both Emerson and the cat were snugggled up against me. Then I figured it was our new neighbors.

Just then, I realized what happened. One day in December, we came home and found the back door open. I called the police, who examined the house and gave us the all clear. But someone HAD gotten into the house. And when we showed up, they hid in the only place they knew: the attic.

Since we never go up there, it's been a good hiding place for that person. A lot of little things have gone missing around the house the last couple of months. A dollar. A steak knife. A container of leftovers I could never locate. Now, it all made sense.

I was too scared to go up there, and didn't know how to call the police and say, "I'm afraid, because my attic light is on. Can you come check it?"

So I sat on the top step ALL NIGHT, with my new battery-operated weed whacker, keeping watch. You know. In case of crabgrass. Whatever. It's the only thing even close to a weapon that I own.

When it was light, and Emerson complained of a sore throat, I made a production of leaving very loudly.

"Let's go, Emerson. The doctor's office will take AT LEAST TWO HOURS!!!!! THEN WE'LL BE HOME AGAIN, AAAAALL DAY!"

Emerson winced at me. "Why you yelleeend, mama?"

I figured, if he hasn't killed us yet, he's just camping out up there. I'll give him a chance to leave, then change the locks so he can't get in again.

And when we got back (she had strep, BTW), I made a big production of putting the Christmas decorations into the attic VERY LOUDLY. "WE ONLY USE THEM ONCE A YEAR, SO THEY'RE JUST TAKING UP CLOSET SPACE, EMERSON."

Of course, Emerson totally didn't give a crap.

Finally, I opened the attic steps. The light glared down at me. But no homeless-man-smell followed. Of course, he could have been using my shower all this time... but when I peeked up over the flooring, no homeless man.

The light was still on. I couldn't find a switch.

"Emerson....? Do you remember where the light switch is for the attic....?" I yelled down to her. She was the one who had so gleefully explored the tall storage space last time.

"Oh, yeah, mama, iss right der." She pounded up the stairs from the kitchen... and flipped the switch on the plate in the hallway by her door. The one for which I could never figure out the purpose. Ugh. Must have flipped it by mistake.

I still don't know where that missing stuff went. And last night, I came home and the electrical breaker box door was open. So now I think there's a homeless man living in MY CLOSET.

I'm going to need someone to come by the house and deliver my good sense. I seem to have left it somewhere.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The colonies are quite rowdy today

Wednesday, May 15, 2013 By

From: Stupid American 
To: British Beauty
Re: England is pissing me off

I do not understand how your counties and stuff are put together. What is an "ex," and why are there esses and wesses of them? And what's the difference between a shire and borough and a hampton and a cester? Which one has real hobbits? Why aren't your media outlets set up around population centers, and instead seem to report on areas based on historical borderlines long gone?

From: British Beauty 
To: Stupid American

Oh my gosh, it is so simple! The shires are all over the place, the country is overrun by hobbits and all anyone ever does is sit around, drink tea and fight the Germans. Doesn't matter what anything is called, since the Tories are making a pig's ear of it all anyhow.

Don't know about media outlets - historical borders still exist, so I'm not sure. Only difference is the people in chain mail and similar fighting garb tend to be there only for reenactments as opposed to actually defending the land.

From: Stupid American 
To: British Beauty

I love that phrase, "making a pig's ear!" You're the only other person I've ever known who uses it! We are meant to be bosom friends! Wait... that's Anne of Greene Gables, who is Canadian. Oh, you foreigners all look alike!

I'm working on a graphic showing how our metros dovetail with media metros there. Only I have NO IDEA. Because I don't know who is reading publications in the Lake District and the Peak Life District, since no one seems to actually live there.

From: British Beauty 
To: Stupid American

You can fit 40 UK's into the US so we don't need major "defined population centres." UK only switched entirely to digital in 2011; prior to that there were only 5 terrestrial channels. TV here is still dominated by BBC, who still dominate the radio channels, too. Of course, none of that matters now with the internet as EVERYWHERE is INSTANTLY connected on any medium.

From: Stupid American 
To: British Beauty 

That DOES help! Thank you, the size difference really puts it into perspective.

Um, also, y'all need to get some more land space. Why did you stop invading and colonizing other places? How come America has to do this for you, now?

From: British Beauty 
To: Stupid American

I think we ran out of money - and need - and tea - shortage of tea was always a problem but then India/China/Africa said they'd just sail it over, rather than us having to go to the trouble of taking it ourselves. 

From: Stupid American 
To: British Beauty

Well, that was nice of them. Let us know if they give you any trouble. We'll go free them from tyranny.

Friday, February 15, 2013

The IT Crowd

Friday, February 15, 2013 By

Me: I think we have a meeting where we're going to brainstorm all the awesome things we want you guys to make our database do, as if by magic, because, of course, we have no idea how you make it work.

IT Genius: Haha, sounds good. I think email hell week is almost over, so we can get back to database updates soon.

Me: See, I'm convinced you guys sit around eating Fritos and drinking Mountain Dew Code Red and watching "The IT Crowd" and laughing at us mere mortals while your sentient pre-SkyNet computer system codes everything for you. But I might spend too much time in my own imagination.

IT Genius: It's almost like you have a hidden camera back here.

Me: I knew it! :-)

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Can openers are essential office supplies

Tuesday, February 12, 2013 By

A.A.: Do you think anyone will notice if I took this can opener home for half an hour?

Me: Well, since I donated that to the office, I say it's fine. I give you permission.

A.A.: Oh, cool. I don't have a can opener at home.

Me: Well, then, I gift that can opener to you!

A.A.: No, I'm going to bring it back! I'm going to buy one, I just-

Me: You know they have them at the Dollar Tree for, like...

A.A.: A dollar?

Me: Thereabouts.

A.A.: No, I'm going to bring this back.

Me: I have more at home. I'll just bring in another one.

A.A.: Why do you have more at home?

Me: I really, really like opening cans.