Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Monday, September 15, 2014

The 64 Things You Think When Locked in a Friend's Bathroom for 45 Minutes

Monday, September 15, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - So, Labor Day weekend, I was house sitting for my friend, AMY. I do not usually name people on my blog, but I am telling the Internet on you, AMY.

As usual with my life, things did not go as well as planned. After I fed the cats and let the dog out, I had to take a bathroom break. That's where things went wrong.

These are the thoughts that ran through my head as I tried repeatedly to escape the clever trap she had set.

1. Her bathroom is cleaner than mine.

2. I should clean my bathroom.

3. Her shower curtain is too dark for such a small space.

4. OMG, when did I get a degree in interior design? I can't even hardly dress myself. Shut up, self. Her shower curtain is fine.

5. Where is the hand soap and towel?

6. Okay, I'll just rinse and air dry. No biggie.

7. Wait.... what? No. The doorknob.... there is no doorknob.

8. Uuugggghhh! Come on, doorknob stick thing. Turn.

9. Hold up... did the doorknob just slide further out of the doorknob... hole?

10. Doorknob Hole would be an interesting band name.

11. Okay. Don't panic. Just gently pinch the doorknob stick thing with your fingernails and... [clattering sound as the knob falls out] JesusMaryandJoseph! 

12. [peeking through the hole] The knob is on the floor. There is no knob in this hole.

13. {snicker} That's what she said.

14. Okay, time for Plan B.

15. Plan B? What are you even talking about? You don't have a freaking Plan B for opening a door. You just turn the knob and it opens!

16. Sigh... This lock is old. It can't be that sturdy. I'll just pop the... errrgggg.... [gasp!] Nope. Not happening.

17. What would MacGyver do? Hmmm... Now is a rather disappointing time to realize that I've only seen one episode of MacGyver - the one where he punches Sasquatch. I don't want to punch Sasquatch. I would want to be Sasquatch's friend.

18. Sasquatch would TOTALLY be my friend!

19. Shit. Okay, now what?

20. Ooh, wedge something in the crack between the latch and the plate. What can I wedge in there? My earring!

21. Aaaaand now my earring is outside of the door. Who didn't see that coming?

22. Ugh. Sorry, Amy, but I have to go through your bathroom cabinets. Let's see... cotton balls... makeup... toothbrushes... Come ON! Nothing. There are no wedging materials in her cabinets.

23. Okay... THE WINDOW! Hmmm... this window is essentially on the second floor. But if I can drop down onto the air conditioner unit, there should be minimal injuries. I mean, there might be an injury, but that's just to be expected. I once sprained my thumb pulling on Spanx, for crying out loud.

24. Errrrrrrggggg....[gasp!] The window. Is painted. SHUT.

25. Wait. Check the lock.  ...Yep, painted shut.

26. This is a FIRE HAZARD, Amy!

27. Crap. I left my purse in my car. I had tweezers in there. And an eyelash curler, for all the good that would do. Crap, I left my PHONE in my car. I can't even call for help. And Emerson is playing at the neighbor's house. She knows where I went, but she doesn't know the address.

28. Oh, my god... NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM.

29. I am trapped in a bathroom. On Friday. On Labor Day weekend. No one knows where I am, and I can't call anyone. R.H. is going to think I'm angry with him, or ignoring him, and his feelings will be hurt, and then he'll  break up with me. And when she gets back home on Monday night, Amy is going to find me in her bathroom - starving, angry, claustrophobic, and delirious from worrying about Emerson.

30. But very clean and well hydrated.

31. Okay. Who can let me out of the bathroom? The nearest neighbors are 100 yards away, on the other side of the house. They won't see or hear me at the window.

32. Argh! Why can't I just open the door?!

33. Maybe I can pop it open if I pull it really hard....

34.    ...

35.          ...

36.               ...

37. No... That didn't work.

38. Wait, there's an opening at the top of the door. What's that called?

39. A transom! Oh, yeah, I could totally get out that way. I can just stand on the vanity and...

40. Ow. Well, that was a big pile of NO right there.

41. Maybe there's a maintenance guy, or a yard guy, or a delivery guy, or the mailman, or something, who'll be by soon, and he can rescue me.

42. Wait, no, that is how porn happens.

43. Sigh... I hate this bathroom.

44. I hate Amy.

45. I would be legally justified in busting down this stupid, solid, wooden, antique door right now.

46. I could do it. I could break this door.

47. Yes. This sounds like a great idea. I can break down this door and it will not even be my fault because I was totally trapped here. This is like false imprisonment or something!

48. Get a grip. You are not breaking down Amy's bathroom door.

49. (But you totally could. If you wanted to.)

50. Hell, yes, I could. I am a strong, independent woman who don't need no doorknob.

51. Actually, a doorknob would be really great right about now.

52. Okay... what other options do I have?

53. ...

54. I think I'm down to magic, telekinesis, and sheer dumb luck.

55. I don't have any of that. ESPECIALLY THE LUCK.

56. Okay. What else can I do?

57. Let me just double-check for tools.

58. .... Nope, no tools. But a freaking lot of random toothbrushes.

59. How many teeth do they even have?

60. Wait! Maybe one of them can fit into the hole where the doorknob stick thing used to be!

61. ... No, of course not. Why would it be that easy?

62. Okay, THAT is IT! I have HAD it! I'm... just... going... to freaking SHOVE this toothbrush in the... and... turn it... hard... to the.. left... and...


63. No! What? Seriously?!


Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Book Review: Lydia vs. the Zombies

Tuesday, September 09, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - I am bursting with pride. Just last weekend, my little nerdling became a full-grown nerd. Yes, Emerson bought her first comic books.

She chose Adventure Time and Regular Show comics over the My Little Pony comics she had been planning to buy... although she'd have bought them all if I'd have been willing to fork over another $20. But a budget is a budget, and I'm trying to teach her to stick to one.

But in the $1 bin, R.H. discovered this little-known gem: Lydia vs. the Zombies.

OF COURSE I was going to buy it. Have you never met me?

In the book, little Lydia is accidentally abandoned by her parents, and forced to deal with the zombie apocalypse. She is resourceful and hilarious, and the art and story perfectly meld in this comic charmer.

Okay, I'm not really here to review this book. I am just here to tell you that this book is awesome. It had two adults and one child giggling, and wanting more.

Emerson's favorite part was this ode to her My Little Pony obsession.

Unfortunately, only one issue was printed.

Fortunately - for Emerson, not for the rest of the world - that would not stand with me. This thing was too cute not to attract a devoted following. So I set out to find out more.

Fun Publications is the publisher. They run the Transformers Collectors Club and G.I. Joe Collectors Club under license from Hasbro. Besides releasing comics, Fun Publications releases exclusive toys and runs conventions for their clubs. But their website is woefully underdeveloped, and all I could do was send a message through their generic contact form.

After a week of waiting, I set out to find another resource. I searched for the artists and authors, but they didn't come up on anyone's web pages. No professional portfolios, no convention appearances, nothing. Finally, I turned to Twitter, and found someone who matched one of the artist/author's names: Jesse Wittenrich.

Was it the same person? Seemed to be, from the description. But on Twitter, that means nothing. You can tweet God on Twitter. You can have a conversation with Shakespeare. And King Henry VIII gives out life advice.

But I sent along what I hoped was a polite inquiry, and hoped I wasn't bothering him on his day off. Or... at all, really.

It took just four minutes for him to reply.

So, there you have it. An adorable little story, which will soon have a sequel. For a short, cute giggle, I recommend it.

Friday, September 05, 2014

What happens when you text me by mistake

Friday, September 05, 2014 By

I was cleaning out my messages and came across this. I don't know who Kyle is. Or who is texting him. I never heard back.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Does this fall under Love & Logic?

Friday, August 29, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA - Emerson is sitting in my office, cheerfully playing with her iPad, while I finish up a couple of small tasks.

"Mama? Can I have two dollars?" she asks.


"Ugh! You diddin' even let me tell you why I wan-ned it."

I cock my eyebrow at her. "You are thirsty. You could drink the bottle of water that you know I have in my purse. But you'd rather go downstairs and get an entirely different bottle of water out of the vending machine. It makes you feel like a grown-up, you love machines, and the conveyor belt is hilarious."

Y'all. She made this face, exactly:

"Fine. You're right," she says. "But can I? It's just two dollars."

"Emerson, the 'just two dollar' requests add up to more than just two dollars. Eventually, all the dollars are gone. I'm not made of money," I toss out the phrase that every parent uses and triumphantly shove some papers in a file folder.

"Ohmygosh!" she exclaims. "If you were made of money, I wouldn't even ask you for any! Because then you'd be giving me pieces of your skin! That would be horrible!"


"Okay, then." I reach into my purse and pull out $1.25. She squeals and holds out her hand.

"Wait a second. I'm not giving this money to you because you asked," I explain. "I am giving it to you because you thought critically about the sentence I used. That's an important skill."

She prances out the door. With my money. And possibly my dignity.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Here's how obtuse I can be

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA - So, a couple of weeks ago, I went to the traditional Breakfast & Briefings at Fort Gordon, hosted by the Fort Gordon Alliance. I got there at 6:30 a.m. to set up the booth, and only a few folks were there.

A gentleman standing nearby struck up a conversation with me, and we chatted for a few moments as I put out brochures and set up the digital display. He is a detective at the fort. Has been for 15 years. Fishes in his off-time.

People began arriving and I talked to interested parties about the GRU College of Education and our new programs and our well-respected established programs. Then I'd hop back behind the booth to refresh brochures or mints or whatever, and crack a quick joke with him.

This went on for about an hour, until I realized, quite suddenly, that I was annoying him. "Well, I'll let you concentrate on detecting stuff, sir. Nice to meet you," I said, and bowed out.

It took another hour for it to hit me. Big guy... Dark suit... Lapel pin... Detective...

Aw, sheesh. He was security for the Assistant Secretary of the Army and the Governor, both of whom were at the breakfast that day. And I was distracting him from his job. Good gravy.

"See?" I told B.C. and D.H. in the office. "Y'all need to tell me when I'm accidentally annoying someone by behaving like a puppy and being their instant best friend. Because it will take me an hour to figure it out on my own!"

"Can we hire you an assistant for that?" D.H. laughed.

"Right? I need it," I laughed back. "Just to follow me around and point their finger at me: 'No. Move on.'"

What's that, you say? Stacey's being a dork, again? I'm on it!

Monday, August 25, 2014

If you have to tell people you're smart... you might not be

Monday, August 25, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - It's 2:30 p.m. on a day that the office hosted a potluck, and you know what that time is. That time is Cake Time.

"Cake, cake, cake, cake, cakey-cakey, cake, cake," I sang to myself as I walked down the hall to the office kitchen. Yes, I really did. It was peach pound cake, with sliced fresh peaches, fully deserving of impromptu singing.

I plated it up and chatted with the admin for a minute before walking back to my office. Ooops. Door's locked.

I walked back down the hall to the office manager.

"Hey, Tammie, you're aware that I have a college degree and stuff, right?" I asked, through a very educated mouthful of cake.

"Yyyyeeeesss?" she cocked her head at me.

"Because I just locked myself out of my office, and I don't want you to think I'm a total idiot," I grinned.

"Well, don't beat yourself up too much," she said. "PhDs and EdDs come in here to tell me the same thing."

Friday, August 22, 2014

Product Review: Atkins Endulge Chocolate Caramel Nut Chew Bars

AUGUSTA, GA - Tastes like a Snickers. I liked it. 

End of story.

... what? You want more?

Okay, the sample I was sent was pretty old. The chocolate had that pale cast to it in spots, and it was a little dry and crumbly. But still surprisingly tasty, and I wager the ones you buy in stores are fresher. If you want a lower-carb, lower calorie, slightly higher protein alternative to a candy bar, this is a great option. 

                       Atkins Bar                                                 Snickers Bar
Calories:                130                                                           250
Carbs:                   17g                                                            33g
Protein:                  5g                                                              4g 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The most frequent reason I punish my child is for talking

Wednesday, August 20, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - Emerson had her friend, Kayla, for a sleepover, which is always hilarious. I crashed about 11 p.m., but woke at 2 a.m. to the sound of giggles...

I stumble to the bedroom and stop in the doorway, mouth agape.

"We're playing," Emerson says.

"With BOMBS?" I retort.

Every toy she owns is on the floor. Her chair is overturned. Her bed is stripped. The air mattress is deflated. There is a suspicious number of beverage containers and snack wrappers mixed into the mess. They laugh. Apparently, my concern is hilarious.

"This gets cleaned up before we go to the movies tomorrow, right?" I frown.

"Right," they reply, in unison.

"Okay, good. Now, it is Oh-My-God Thirty, and heading towards Mom's-Gonna-Kill-Me O'clock. What do you think that means?"

"Uhh, it sounds like you might need to learn how to tell time," Emerson laughs. Then sees my stony face. Because at Oh-My-God Thirty, mom is the only person allowed to make jokes.

Immediately, she begins stammering an apology. "I'm sorry. That was very rude of me and I take it back."

"Thank you. Bed time," I say, as sternly as one can.

"Yes, ma'am!" They scramble under covers and I flick off the light... and laugh silently all the way back to bed. She's a smarty-pants, but she comes by it honestly.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Life Pro-Tip: How to fix broken makeup

Monday, August 18, 2014 By

I stole this image from Because I no haz photography skillz.

AUGUSTA, GA - One of the benefits to not wearing a lot of makeup is that the products I buy last longer. It also means that I have a better-than-average chance of losing or breaking it.

A while back, my sister kindly gifted me with some wonderful organic makeup. And it took me about two months to drop my compact and break the powder. Sigh. I have stored it in a ziploc bag in my bathroom cabinet since then. Too attached to ditch it.

That was more than a year ago.

But, apparently, I could have fixed this a long time ago with a pretty simple solution:

All you do is gather the scattered remnants of your powdery makeup - whatever it is, eyeshadow, powder, blush, etc. - and put it back in the container. Then you take rubbing alcohol and drip it evenly over the mess, until just saturated. Use your finger, a spoon, or something similar, to smooth it out. It should dry in a couple of hours, good as new. Read more detailed instructions here.

Friday, August 15, 2014

One reason to love Augusta

Friday, August 15, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA - I'm having lunch with a friend from out of town, and we are enjoying some awesome Pho Bac in Evans.

Him: "I hate Augusta. There's nothing here."

Me (gesturing out the window of the restaurant): "How can you say that? Look that parking lot across the street. We have thousands just like it! I can give you a tour!"

Okay, I was being sarcastic. There's much more to do here.