We've had Emmie so far off her schedule, and in so many different places this summer, that bedtime has become quite a battle.
"Emmie, time for bed."
"No," she'll reply, mildly, with a sidelong glance at me.
(Sigh) "Okay, you're going to lose a story, sweetie."
"I not," she'll insist, just as though she were saying that she doesn't have three eyes.
But most night, with some extra "hugs and mooches and zrrbrrts," she settles down.
Not Monday. Monday was Waterloo.
Three books, two beverages, one bathroom break, and a new nightlight later, I thought she was settled in for the night. But just before we turned our lamps off, in she crept, crawling past our insistences into the middle of the bed, in pink footie pajamas that were not the ones in which I had dressed her for bed.
"But, but, but..." She reasoned, with her I'm-Being-Reasonable face, palms out and down, through our directions. "Lithen. I wan' tell you sumping."
(Sigh. Gritted Teeth) "What. Do. You. Want. To. Tell. Us."
"I jus wan hug you and mooch you and snuggle wif you. And den I won hab a bad dream, wif a bad lady, an I sleep all night an not wate up an you not wate up an you not hab bad dreams and den we all be happy! Mate sense to me."
AUGUSTA, GA - So, there's a former co-worker I've let get under my skin recently. She wasn't a pleasant person to work with, but she had a variety of medical conditions to deal with and it was not easy on anyone to see her lose her health insurance.
Over the last couple of days, she's said a few things to me that I've been turning over in my mind. Accusations about my character, my integrity, my skill, my value as a friend to others.
And it's hard to know how to separate the truth from her desire to cause pain and what seems to be her complete inability be truthful.
I know who I am. I know that I'm a hard worker. I expect good in people. I am always surprised to find when someone is lying or manipulating people. I write well. I try to be better than I am. I like to help and educate people. I like to learn new things. I like a challenge, a harmonious environment, and an occasional break in routine.
But I also know what my flaws are. I'm mouthy. I say inappropriate things in a sometimes misguided attempt to make people laugh. I can get down or angry about general stuff and let that creep into my personal interactions. I'm messy, and can't hold a logical train of thought for very long. There are some words I will never be able to spell without help from spellcheck. Scott just told me that I'm too sensitive, which transitions nicely into...
The ex-coworker (we'll shorten that to "e-cow" for future reference) nailed a lot of my flaws in the absolute least flattering terms.
1. I complain a lot. I really do try to make people laugh, but if done in a negative way frequently enough, I guess that would sound like a constant stream of complaints.
2. I'm polite to people's faces, but I say negative things to my friends behind their backs, which she says is fake. I thought it was called having manners, but taken too far it IS fake.
3. I'm stupid and inexperienced and nobody likes me. Well, I can't argue about the first two, because they apply to all of us in some ways. But the last, I mean, SOMEBODY likes me, right? At least my husband and daughter, I hope? Surely I'm not SO disagreeable as to turn EVERYONE off?
Here's my question: How is one supposed to sort the legitimate complaints about oneself from the mean-spirited e-cows out there? Is it good, when people lash out this way, that I take it to heart? I have been diligently trying to reason through her criticisms. Or am I giving the e-cows of the world too much credit and causing myself (and my long-suffering husband) undue stress?
I have also been reminding myself that even the best intentioned self-examinations can yield unpredictably negative results. And no matter who or what I'm dealing with, the only thing I can control is my own reaction.
And, finally, is this appropriate blog material - or is this part of the too-mouthy personality trait?
All of this lends an unfriendly tone to the inner voice that whispers in my ear. It steals away some of the confidence I've stockpiled, and renders me slightly less able to function at my best.
So what do we think? Is ignorance bliss? Or should we shoulder the burden of other people's perceptions, regardless of how positive or negative they are?
AUGUSTA, GA. - I'm so sick and tired of national and local mouthpieces questioning the status of Barak Obama's citizenship. While I'm not all that happy about his performance so far, choosing this issue upon which to make your stand just shows your ignorance of your own country - and influences me to lean closer to advocating an IQ test for voting rights.
For the last time - not that my blog gets so much readership that it will cause a national collective silence on the matter - Barak Obama is a U.S. citizen, and it doesn't matter where he was born.
According to U.S. law, a person is a U.S. citizen not only if they are born on U.S. soil (a common misconception), but also if they are born to U.S. citizen parents (or, in Obama's case, his mother). In fact, even if he had been born in Indonesia, where he and his mother moved after her second marriage, he would still retain his U.S. citizenship, because his mother is (and was) a citizen of the U.S. But seeing as how he was born in Hawaii (a U.S. state for the members of the "idiocracy" who probably also think that Puerto Rico is a foreign country) to a mother who was a U.S. citizen, whose parents were also U.S. citizens (not necessary, but another level of protection from the Minister of Where People Live in the cabinet of the government of the idiocracy), that means - you guessed - he's a U.S. citizen!
For further proof, refer to the several billion articles on the Internet that discuss how one becomes a U.S. citizen. If you're too lazy to do that, or if you don't know how to do a proper keyword search (using subject-specific neutral keywords like "U.S. citizenship at birth" as opposed to the more psychologically appropriate "Obama not a citizen get him out of office I'm scared of black people"), here are four very reputable links: 1. From the U.S. government 2. From FindLaw 3. From NoLo 4. From Snopes
AUGUSTA, GA - When our upstairs neighbors moved in two years ago, they seemed like nice people. Two students working their way through school, blah blah blah...
But let's just say they were an active couple.
One night, we were sound asleep when the sound of glass breaking alerted me to a burglar. In fact, the glass landed heavily on top of me in the bed!
"Waaaaaaaaahhhh!" I shrieked, throwing the covers off and springing up in bed, ready to unleash my hidden ninja skills upon the intruder.
"Shush! It's okay! Just don't move!" Scott exclaimed, already rounding the foot of the bed and disappearing briefly into the darkness beyond the doorway. Before I could even gather my breath from the shriek, he reappeared and rapped smartly three times on the bedroom ceiling with the broom handle.
"Wha- what's going on?" I demanded sleepily, shakily, squinting as he flipped on the bedroom light.
"Our neighbors were at it again," he groaned, glaring upwards. "Their exercise... Well..."
He gestured to the bed and floor, and I saw, as I followed the line of sight from his glare to the covers and saw that the glass globe cover had been shaken from the ceiling fan fittings and shattered against the foot board of our bed.
I heard muffled laughter and rapid footsteps overhead, as we began the tedious process of cleaning the mess.
"They sure have a lot of energy," Scott snickered.
"Yeah..." I sighed, with dramatic wistfulness. He tossed a sock at me, and I laughed.
Those neighbors moved out a year ago, and we've never found a globe that fit the ceiling fan - although I haven't tried that hard. And while we offered to take the apartment upstairs, too, for another couple of hundred dollars a month and a two-year extension on our lease, the owners instead let it sit open, unrented, for the last year.
But last weekend, a new couple moved in. And tonight, when a rhythmic thump-thump-thump began overhead, I looked at the bare bulb above my head and grinned, glad I hadn't replaced the glass.
And, after a few minutes, I was glad that not everyone has the same level of stamina. I should get more sleep with these neighbors living above us.
We're a mile from the beach, at a Westin resort with a 3 bedroom condo, bike trails, an amazing pool and splash park, and more. But we spent an hour chucking cereal off the third-floor balcony to each other and trying to catch it in our mouths.
Emmie's leg got a huge jellyfish sting! But she was back in the water 30 minutes later.
"Look, mama! I got flippers!"
I asked her to give me a big smile, and this was her comical response.
AUGUSTA, GA. - So, you wanna get free stuff? Try products for market research companies? Perhaps earn some extra money? Then ignore all those scammers who send you "Take surveys and make $400 a day!" e-mails. They're lying to you, or they're involved in some kind of pyramid scheme.
Below, I will list reputable companies for whom I participate in market research and product testing on the side. Let's get real: It's certainly not a second income. Most of these companies deal in "points" that you earn from each survey, that you can then convert to cash, gift cards, or merchandise.
Some do offer paid surveys each time to take one, and others offer "chances to win" but send out enough big-money paid surveys to make the little sweepstakes-entry ones worth it. I've made as little as 50 cents for a survey, and as much as $100 for a survey. But I've also redeemed my points for hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise, checks and gift cards this year alone. All total, I might have "made" an extra grand this year doing this. But you never know. I might actually WIN one of those sweepstakes entries and bust out of here with a fat $25,000.
In the meantime, I'll share the info with you. There are tricks to maximizing your membership. For example, if they're offering money or points for a study, never admit that you work in marketing or journalism. They won't want to talk to you. But if they're not offering money or points, but they are offering sweepstakes or prize entries, you're ALWAYS a market researcher. Because that still gets you your entry, but you don't have to go through the entire survey.
Pay attention to what they're asking. If they ask if you take your coffee with sugar, cream, sweetener, flavoring, black or with any combination or all of the above, NEVER choose black. No one ever polls people who drink their coffee black. They want to know how you like the additives they're selling.
Most of these require the invitation of an existing panel member. So leave me your info in the comments section, and I'll send you an invitation to the ones in which you're interested.
I haven't used Global TestMarket for long, so I don't have a lot of knowledge. I know that you build points and redeem them for cash, but I don't have enough points to do that. You need at least 1,000, and I seem to be accruing points very slowly on this interface.
Deals n Cashoffers you .02 cents for every ad you click. Yeah, it's not a lot. But the point is to be patient and let it build up over time. My current balance: $8.37.
Inbox Dollars offers you a $5 membership boost, and then .05 cents for every ad you click or survey you take. Yes, again, it's not a lot. But it takes only seconds, and the point, again, is to be patient and let it build over time. I have about $40.08 right now. Whaever. That's $40 I didn't have before.
Send Earnings offers you a $5 membership boost, and then between .02 and .05 cents for every ad you click or survey you take. Hey... this sounds familiar... Yes, it works EXACTLY like Inbox Dollars. Their interfaces even look the same. I'm not entirely convinced that they aren't two arms of the same company, since I frequently get the exact same e-mails from both companies. Oh, wait, are they both paying me money? Great! I'll keep clicking.
(I can't seem to capture a larger image - sorry!)
My Points works much like Inbox Dollars and Send Earnings - but instead of getting paid a few cents, you earn points. This is, by far, the most reliable of the sites I've used. There's no BS, no questions, and the accounting is always reliable. I've cashed in for $50 Home Depot gift certificates, hotel stays, Amazon.com e-gift cards, Old Navy and Target gift cards, and more. In addition, if you do online shopping (and I do... heh... sorry, honey...), when you purchase your goods (like the new shoes I got from Target), click through the My Points site and you earn more points... to, you know, then cash in for more Target gift cards. Hee...?
Zoom Panel offers between 30-500 points for taking their polls. The prize folios begin at 800 points, and go to 10,000. I cashed in for a 10,000 prize, a smoker/griller. It was totally free, and they don't even charge shipping. Of course, it took me about a year to get to that level. But luckily, we didn't have any smoking or grilling emergencies during the wait.
Polling Point offers 500 points for each survey you take. I have about 19,000 points, but until you get to a stupid-high level, the prizes SUCK. They're Polling Point T-shirts and tote bags. But then you get into gift certificates, web cams, iPod shuffles, cash and savings bonds. I'll keep accruing points until I get to the level I want.
Harris Poll is generous with points (75-800 points each survey), and has an easy redemption policy for the goods they offer on their site. They have an 800 point level beginning redemption level, and that's worth about a DVD or book or some other little item that costs about $20. The larger levels get nicer and nicer. But Harris Poll doesn't send surveys nearly as often as Zoom Panel.
Survey Spot is a pain and a pleasure all at once. It sends you a crap-load of surveys, so you have a lot of opportunities to make money. But most of their surveys do not offer money. They offer between 5 and 100 sweepstakes entries. However, they do offer between $3 and $100 for each paid survey, and I've probably cashed out about $200 this year. It does take 6-8 weeks to get your money, so plan ahead. But, again, never any problems.
Lightspeed Panel offers frequent surveys for points. I use this one to get gift certificates to online retailers like Amazon.com and Target.com that I use often, and cover any shipping costs that I might incur. You're not going to make money off this one, and you're going to have to wait about 2 years to get to a level that is decent enough to cash in for something great. Again, with all of these, patience is key. But this one tries my patience more than others.
Survey Savvy pays for each survey, between $1 and $3. They send 1-2 surveys a week. Do the math. But it's still helpful and I've cashed in about $100 this year, one $75 and one $15. I only cashed in the $15 because I got impatient.
Here's one that I haven't fully tested yet:Opinion Outpost. But at least it hasn't cost me any money. Supposedly you accrue $1 for every 10 points. Or 100 points. I'm not sure. But we'll see. Right now my account balance is the equivalent to $50, but I haven't cashed it out yet.
Here's one to stay away from: Vindale. They make you pay for services, and then reimburse you. You're not getting paid crap. You should never have to put out to get some respect, if you know what I mean... okay, I'll explain. They want you to sign up and pay for something, and then they claim to reimburse you. That got me $200 in CHARGES from stamps.com. (I finally figured out what happened, after about 2 weeks). I got them to remove the charges from my account, and Vindale still reimbursed me, but it was NOT worth the effort.
And here's one that takes a lot more work: It's a word-of-mouth marketing site that sends products to its "agents" to use and them talk about. Sometimes you get a box of snack foods, or a book, or a gift certificate to use. Once I got a free stay at a Holiday Inn Express ($59 value), and I've also gotten a Sonicare toothbrush ($89 value) and a Sonicare UV sanitizer ($79 value). You have to earn your way, but it's not like digging ditches or busting rocks in a quarry. It's running your mouth, something I do well.
Again, if you want to join these, leave me a comment and I'll send you an invite. Yeah, I want the referral points or cash, so I'm not giving you the website addresses. Sue me. I promise to drop the referral e-mail ASAP. And for everyone who does actually ask me to send a referral e-mail instead of finding the company site on your own, I'll send you TWO companies that I withheld. One pays you cash for every survey, and it's been extremely reliable. One is only good for magazine subscriptions, but your points accrue quickly and fairly, and you can give them as gifts. In four months, I've cashed in for six different subscriptions.
In a crawling race across the grass they're evenly matched. But Emily Bland will need a little practice before taking on her new friend at tree-climbing.
The little girl, two, met one-year-old orangutan Rishi at an animal center while visiting with her father. They took to each other straight away and spent hours tumbling about and having a tea party. Emily poured while Rishi waited patiently, gripping his spoon in a hairy fist.
On all fours: A delighted Emily plays with her best new friend Rishi
Emily's father Barry Bland, 38, a photographer, said: 'I had come along to the institute to photograph Rishi and I thought it would be good to bring Emily. 'Almost as soon as we arrived, Rishi had an instant chemistry with Emily. They looked completely content with each other.'
The friendship came as no surprise to those in charge of Rishi's home, The Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species (T.I.G.E.R.S) in Miami. How sweet, a kiss for Emily, whose father says the pair hit it off instantly.
Dr Bhagavan Antle: 'Orangutans are intelligent and certainly the most friendly apes on the planet.'The youngsters enjoy their playtime and are always looking for an opportunity to experience new things and make new friends and monkey around.'Rishi, who is the youngest of the family, is always looking for someone to play with.'That's where Emily stepped in to provide a playmate to swing in the trees, have tea with, and go for a ride.'All infants have the capacity to get along and as youngsters the barriers between species appear to disappear.'Orangutans are one of t he most endangered species on earth. Recent expansion of palm oil plantations and over logging of their forests in Borneo and Sumatra have created a rapidly declining habitat for these great apes..
Emily takes her new friend for a stroll One lump or two Rishi? The pair enjoy afternoon tea'Rishi was brought over to T.I.G.E.R.S from JungleIsland because he was a young boy,' Says Dr Antle. 'He couldn't stay with his father or the other male orangutans in the habitat because they throw the boys out. 'But he has now been fully accepted into his new group. He sleeps with them and he stays side by side with them & he is with them all the time.'Rishi will now stay at the institute where he will become part of the animal ambassadors program, participating in education and conservation presentations at Myrtle Beach and JungleIsland institutions. Judging from these photos it looks asthough Rishi has found a friend for life.
We've inadvertently pawned Emmie off on relatives for half the summer, it seems. I worry that her memories of this year will be a blur of new faces and random bodies of water.
But today she showed me one reason that so many of our relatives volunteer their time and energy in caring for her.
Nona and I went dollar store shopping, and came back with a pile of crap for Emmie: coloring books, Pop Rocks, a silvery princess balloon, and a bag of Ring Pops. She was sweetly excited: "Dats for ME?! DANKS, Mama!"
And then she delved into her treats. She poured the Pop Rocks into her mouth and the Ring Pops on the table. There were four rings, and five people in the room. She handed one to Opa, one to Nona, one to Scott, and picked up the last ring pop from the table. I saw her hesitate briefly, realizing that she had but the one remaining, and then she smiled brightly and handed it to me.
"You are so sweet, baby, but mommy wants you to have the Ring Pop," I said. But she tried to put it into my hands.
"Honey, take this one," Nona said. Emmie took it, and still tried to give me hers.
I shook my head, gathered the other two pops, and handed them to her.
"Thank you so much for sharing with us, darling, but we want you to have these. You are so good to share."
Instead, she held up her packet of Pop Rocks, starting the process over again.
I worry that, as an only child, Emmie will not have the kind of empathy that we want her to enjoy in life. But I think, maybe, she could be okay...
Emerson's jellyfish sting looks terrible. But when I was poking her in her wound to irritate her + she said, "Psh! Dat don' hurt, mama."
When I asked her about her favorite part of the day, she said, "Da jellyfish."
Why? It stung you, I said.
"Wull, tomorrow he's goin' be my friend, and he won't sting me."
Um, no. Because jellyfish don't have a brain. That means they can't think. That means they can't remember you. And that means they can't be your friend. Honey, the jellyfish will ALWAYS sting you, no matter what you do.
"Wull, maybe if I tell him, 'Hi! I'm EmersonReneeMcGowenHudson! Iss nice to meet you!' den he will know my name, and DEN he goin' be my friend!"
Okay, see, the jellyfish cannot be your friend. He doesn't have a brain like ours. Is that lamp your friend? No. It doesn't have a brain. And even if a jellyfish did have a brain like ours, he would still sting you if you touched him. He doesn't have muscles or bones to control his tentacles.
"Wull... Maybe if I use my tools, an' I build him sumping, an' I prottet him, den he won't sting me!"
Okay. That's a very sweet idea, sweetheart, and if you want to build something for someone, I'm not going to stop you. I am going to enroll you in Habitat for Humanity. But. Seriously. The jellyfish? Yeah. They're ALWAYS going to sting you. It doesn't matter how nice you are. They can't help it. They don't mean to. It's just what they do.
"Wull, maybe if we tell dem, 'Jellyfish, you sting me. Dats not nice, don't do dat,' den dey would KNOW dey sting me, and dey will stop!"
No. Sweetheart, you can't touch a jellyfish. It knows it's stinging you. It just can't help it. He will always sting you. The only thing you can do is not touch them.
"But.. You said if it don' hab a brain, iss not goin to know. So I goin tell him."
Uh, crap. Um, well, see... Just ... Fine. Tell him whatever you want. Just don't touch him. Because he WILL STING YOU.
"Not when I tell him dat he not sting me. Den he won't sting me. Because I tell him."
Emmie was the first to get stung. Then Scott, and finally me.
I'm such a dork, I was like, "Cool! I've never been stung by a jellyfish before!"
When Emmie got stung, I freaked out, because I didn't know why she was screaming. She just freaked out and screamed, "Sumpin BITE me!" Of course, I thought: "Shark!"
I grabbed her - float + all - and ran through the water hollering for Scott like a fishmonger's wife, stepped in a hole, almost broke my ankle, fell down, tore my knee open on something in the sand, got back up and kept running - never dropped Emmie.
The lifeguard was more than just mildly amused as she treated Emmie with her spray bottle of vinegar. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Emmie wants to watch TV, but we're visiting with our family. I tell her if she'll tell each person in the room a story, then she can watch TV until we go to the pool (in about 10 minutes). She grins, and does it. But I wonder about the significance of the stories she tells to each of us.
She runs over to Opa: "When you was a little boy, I saw your doggie. He was sweet. What was his name?" His name was Pierre. He was a French poodle.
She runs over to Nona: "When you was a little girl, I see your kitty cat. What was his name?" Her name was Angel.
She goes to Scott: "When you was a little boy, I see your bad doggie. He bite me on da on da on da shoulder. " Oh, no, what did you do? "I kick his butt! And he was hurt. But den I gib him a bandaid, and he was happy wif me!"
She come to me: "When you was a little girl, I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful! It likes you. And it tickles me on my neck all da time!"
"That's just the way I am, doodle. Never been cool. Probably never will be."
"I like silly. I like you berry mush. But, sometimes, I wish you was a dahtor."
"You wish I was a daughter?"
"NO! I wish you was a DOH-tor."
"A doctor?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Well. So does Wachovia."
"Who's dat?"
"Nevermind. Point is, there'd be some benefits in that. But I'd work longer hours. And I'd miss you."
"I miss you, too. But, if you a dohtor, you could take care ub me when I was sick! An' I not hab to go to da hospital."
"Honey, you haven't been in the hospital since you were born."
"Yeah. But my daddy was berry sick."
(Silence. I don't know how to proceed from here. Is she worried about her father? About herself? Is this idle musing, or a fully-formed train of thought crashing into the station)
"He's not sick anymore, sweetie. He still gets tired sometimes, but we don't have to worry about him anymore. He's all better, and he's not going to get sick again."
Of course, he may very well get sick again, but it's not likely to be TTP again. And I think what she needs is reassurance that mommy doesn't have to be a doctor for her to be safe. I think she may also need for me to take her a little more seriously, just in general.
She sighs: "I know I know." She's heard it all before. Daddy's all better. Daddy's going to be okay. Mommy and daddy are home for good. But those words don't measure up against the sight of seeing your father weakened, bedridden, covered in tubes and surrounded by beeping machinery and medical personnel so sterile that they must sleep in Ziploc bags.
Suddenly, and with a searing pain that makes me thankful for its brevity, I have a crushing vision as to what she might have felt, seeing her father on the verge of death, while her (asshole) mother pawned her off on her grandparents.
I feel like Atlas.
My poor baby!
I don't have any more words. And they don't hold enough meaning for this. Instead, I pick her up and cradle her like a baby. She closes her eyes, smiles, and snuggles into me and sighs softly. We spend a good half-hour in a gentle, silent embrace. After a while, she opens her eyes, raises a soft little hand, and pats my face.
1:30 p.m. - We got our hair did for the wedding at the wonderful Salon Red on the square in Decatur. But they were going through a lot of bobby pins on us. "You know what they should develop instead of bobby pins?" I heard my mouth say before I even realized I was talking. "A hair stapler. So you could just be like, 'How's this? Good? Okay.' KACHUNKA!"
(sigh) Why can't I lose my voice in a tragic shower singing accident? 3:15 p.m. - At the church, getting ready. It's hot as balls, and I'm just trying not to sweat my makeup off or my hair down. Bleh!
3:45 p.m. - Getting dressed for the wedding, one of our relatives couldn't get her dress zipped. That was not acceptable. There was no backup dress, and she was significant in the ceremony. It took 2 of us to get it hooked - and then the hooks popped off and flew across the room! We were so afraid that we weren't going to be able to get it on her, but a last-minute burst of Hulkomania got it up. That would have been Big Drama.
4 p.m. - Photos, and the flower girl is rockin' the good behavior. Did I mention hot as balls outside? Dadgum! There should be a law about taffeta and summer weddings.
6:40 p.m. - Emmie, the flower girl, turned during the ceremony and stage whispered to me: "I hafta go potty!" Ann, one of the readers, who was sitting in the front row, hissed, "I'll take her!" But when I motioned for Emmie to go with her, Emmie said, "No! I don' wanna! If I go now, I'll miss da show!"
6:45 p.m. - During the rehearsal, one of the readers asked, "I can never remember: Is it pronounced Coh-loss-ee-ahns, or Coh-losh-uns?" I told her that I always thought that chapter should be pronounced "CUHLOSHUNS!!!" with accompanying strong-man gestures, like it was a wrestler's name. That was funny until it was time to read the text during the ceremony and all the bridesmaids were trying not to laugh out loud.
7 p.m. - I don't know how this happpened, but 6 other bitches showed up at this wedding wearing the same dress as me! Awkward. They kept showing up all at the same time as me and standing near me in photos... like it was planned, or something.
8:15 p.m. - It was so sad. This woman at the wedding wore a black slip with lace inserts, and no one had the heart to tell her that she had left her dress at home. Or maybe they were secretly filming a Whitesnake comeback video? Judging from her inappropriate dancing, that might be likely...
8:50 p.m. - The ring bearer and flower girl have devolved to running across the dance floor and sliding on their knees. So much for THOSE outfits...
9 p.m. - Two of the groomsmen are "dancing up on" the bride. Um... just... no.
9:10 p.m. - The bartender keeps insisting that I give him a high-five before he'll take my order. I just want some Diet Coke, dude!
9:30 p.m. - My parents take the flower girl home with them. Ahhh... a full night's sleep...
10 p.m. - There are some drunk-ass people up in this joint. The food is all gone, the cake has been cut, and the bar is open. From now, it's a full-on keg party. Without the keg.
10:15 p.m. - Note to readers: It is NOT appropriate for a mother and son to slow-dance together to "Let's Get it On," by Marvin Gaye. No. No. Do not even think about it.
10:30 p.m. - Stick a fork in me! I'm done. Sleepy time!
AUGUSTA, GA. - Trivia: In Atlanta, homicide detectives "earn their hat." When detectives solve their first case, they earn a fedora. You'll see it on the evening news. It's classy, classic, and it engenders respect.
AUGUSTA, GA. - Please nominate Momnesia for Best Local Personal Web Page or Blog, and Scott Hudson for Best Radio Personality, in the 2009 Metro's Best Awards! Click the image or here to vote! And thanks! If we win, we get... a plaque! Woo!
AUGUSTA, GA. - So you remember “Dirty Dancing,” right? That movie where the whole family goes to sleep-away camp and no one is at all creeped out as to why mom and dad are making lanyards? There were some other bits in there, too – something about putting babies in corners and how you shouldn’t do it – but mostly it was a movie about a summer camp. And that camp, Mountain Lake Hotel in Pembroke, Va., was pretty awesome: Big cabins, a well-stocked lake, and tons of stuff for the kids to do… stuff to do besides Patrick Swayze in his hotness years, that is.
Well, Callaway Gardens in Pine Mountain, Ga, high-kicks and double-step-rock-steps all over that camp’s ass.
That’s a bold statement to make: that the beloved 1987- end-of-innocence hit cannot hold a candle to what people think of as a pretty but somewhat tame garden. But after spending a weekend exploring the 13,000 acres with three kids, it’s an accurate statement.
While the “Dancing” crew had a lake, walking paths, and lame-o activities like limbo, Callaway offers a veritable theme-park of activities oriented to the natural world and conservation, but with modern twists to keep everyone comfortable and entertained. For example, the cottages and villas – which are adorable and come with screened-in porches and a charcoal grill – have a full working kitchen and blessedly effective air conditioning.
Exterior of one of the Callaway cottages.
Interior of one of the Callaway cottages.
No sweating over a fire pit, or group dining with people you don’t know. No cha-cha-cha-ing to Lawrence Welk or other sleepy older music while your desert sits forlornly on the table. There is also the Mountain Creek Inn, central to restaurants and shops, or the lush Lodge and Spa that offers a menu of high-end services.
A view of the Lodge & Spa, which really IS this pretty.
But while the accommodations are well-maintained and sparkling clean, the real draw of Callaway Gardens are the attractions: the Virginia Hand Callaway Discovery Center, Day Butterfly Center, Sibley Horticultural Center, Mr. Cason's Vegetable Garden, Callaway Brothers Azalea Bowl, Overlook Garden, Discovery Bicycle Trail, Pioneer Log Cabin, Ida Cason Callaway Memorial Chapel, golf, fishing, tennis, nature trails and daily programs - like the birds of prey show that features trained owls, falcons and eagles, along with entertaining educational information.
The exterior of the butterfly house at Callaway Gardens.
Kids don't get this close to the birds of prey, but it's just as cool.
During the summer, your admission to the gardens also includes Robin Lake Beach. But it’s not just a lake beach for swimming. They’ve stocked the water with inflatables for climbing and jumping, and the shore is covered with included activities: paddleboats, miniature golf, shuffleboard, a miniature train, table tennis and Florida State University "Flying High" Circus performances.
It’s often hard to please three kids of varying ages. But our shortcomings always entertain children, so jump into the activities with them. When I ran away from a butterfly that was trying to land on me – they’re really just bugs with good PR – no one could have laughed harder than the children. When it began raining just before the birds of prey show, our trek to the amphitheater turned into a glorious walk through the woods, and over a lily-padded pond – where I promptly slipped and fell on the wooden bridge. More laughter. When I decided to take two of them biking the paved path around the lake, and ended up dragging a 45-pound four-year-old up the gentle hills on a 100-pound tandem bicycle, their encouragement kept me from unstrapping the preschooler and tipping the bike into a ravine. “You can do dis, Mama! I know you can!” she said, as I pushed the steel-framed contraption up another hill. I was sweaty and grumpy and Swayze was nowhere to give me a speech about following my heartbeat. Guh-gung to you, giant bicycle of death.
Bring your kids' bikes, if you don't want to wind up pushing them around the trails instead of enjoying a leisurely ride.
So not everything is coming up roses (ha, get it? It’s a garden? Oh, nevermind), but the scenery is filled with vignette after vignette of photo-worthy spectacles. The children’s interactive exhibits are educational and entertaining. The inflatables are fun for children of all ages. The motorized tram takes you where you want to go, if you don’t want to bike or walk. The biscuits at the Country Store are delicious – as is the view from the overlook. The shuffleboard is hard – no, seriously; have you ever actually played that game? Does anyone really know the rules? It’s like backgammon with giant squeegees – but we left there with a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t feel after a trip to the giant theme parks. Since no one was getting all up in my dance space, I suspect it was the time spent staying active as a family and enjoying the natural world that made the trip so worthwhile. We were tired from swimming, golfing, biking, hiking, and walking – but we were satisfied. Callaway Gardens doesn’t keep anyone in a corner.
The resort offers a number of vacation packages for the summer: the Mini Break Package, that starts at $129, and the Stimulus Package starts at $99. Call 1-800-CALLAWAY (225-5292) or visit www.callawaygardens.com.
If you go: Leave your fancy pants at home.
Best for: Everyone – except those with severe outdoor allergies.
Don’t miss: The breathless magic of the butterfly house, jumping off an inflatable into the lake, the view from the walking paths
Bring: A camera, comfortable shoes, a towel and swimsuit, sunscreen, bug spray, a change of dry clothes, and a sense of adventure
Admission: Daily Admission Rates are $15 for adults, $7.50 for children 6 and up. Children 5 years old and younger are admitted free. Discounts for military and dependents.
Emmie left yesterday to go to a family reunion in Virginia with my parents and my sister. While I trust those three people with her, and I know that there will be 50 other parents (but few children, since we're all grown up) at the reunion to look after her, it was still hard to let her go.
I gnawed on my nails (figuratively) all day, and called various relatives several times before I left work for the day. But then Scott and I had a leisurely dinner with friends without having to watch her like a hawk or cut up her food or clean up her spills like I had twice at lunch with my parents yesterday, and I found myself relaxing a little.
When I left work, there was no hour of driving to pick her up and bring her home. When I got home, there was no arguing about television, bed time, or pleas for "jus' one more mooches an' hugs."
I lay on the couch and turned on "True Blood," something I usually have to reserve for after she falls asleep. And then it hit me: Emmie's on vacation until next week. So is my boss.
"Hey! I don't answer to anyone but myself right now!" I exclaimed to my husband.
AUGUSTA, GA - So I've picked Emmie up @ her grandmother's house, and we're cruising through Jones Creek Golf Community jabbering to each other. We get to the 3-way stop by the lake, come to a complete stop a moment before red car at the street on my left, and start forward again at a crawl.
The red car, pulling an improperly lit trailer attachment, turns left in front of me, laying on his horn. I stop and let him pass, giving him a brief "honk u" in return. So the dude stops the car and gets out, yelling obscenities.
"Das not good," Emmie muttered.
Y'all know me: I rolled down my window, pointed my Blackberry at him, and said, "What was that, sir? I couldn't hear you." Even though everyone on the planet heard him acting like an ass.
He shouted, "I said you broke the law!" before beating a hasty retreat from the sound and sight of my camera flashing.
"What are you doing now, sir?" I asked.
This is that fool running away from my camera. Red car. Red shirt. No, he doesn't have anger-management issues...
Just to be clear, I HAD right of way. Being a rich asshole doesn't get you in front of people all the time. In a world filled with iniquity, traffic laws hold us all to the same standard.
AUGUSTA, GA. - The Metro Spirit is hosting a party, which gives us a great chance to sit around and make fun of each other.
"That's an oxymoron," we hear Bryan say. "That's your favorite word," Amy scoffs. "You don't even know what that means." "He looks in the mirror every day. He should know what at least part of the word means," I laugh.
I've never been frogged in the arm by an employer before.
AUGUSTA, GA. - "Remember: We have to vote today," I remind Scott.
"Oh, I already voted. You should vote, too."
"Of course, I will."
We discuss how he voted, and how I might vote. I have an aversion to discussing my voting persuasions with him before my ballot is cast. It irritates the crap out of him. But he'll badger me until I agree with him - or pretend to. I want to maintain am illusion that I make my own decisions, when everyone knows that Austin Rhodes tells us both what to think. (That was sarcasm, in case you missed it)
"Tricia will never forgive you if you don't vote for SPLOST," he grins, trying to persuade me to one side, even when he doesn't know what side I've taken. I decide to remain infuriatingly neutral.
"Well, you know, there's a reason we use secret ballots in America, in case you've forgotten one of the finer point of our democracy."
He rolls his eyes at me and goes back to the news.
Wow. Rockin' good subhead, there, Augusta Chronicle copy editors. Are you employing Captain Obvious full-time, or do you just keep him on retainer for the days when nothing in the media has yet irritated me?
AUGUSTA, GA. - My dad was born and raised in Texas. He once told me that if the Lone Star State ever decided to secede from the union, that he would join them. My dad drank the water there for far too long. So when he sent me this, I was far from surprised. I just sent him back a message that said, "You do know that I'm not from Texas, right?" And I hope he does know that, being my dad, and all. But I have similar (although weaker) feelings about Georgia - having been born and raised in metro-Atlanta. So I kind of get it. When we watched the Stone Mountain Laser Show two weekends ago, and they started in with the tribute to the Georgia Music Hall of Fame, I got a beautiful pain in my heart.
Messin' Around With Texas
Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the GulfCoast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you? In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is a little bit of Texas in everyone. Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Davy Crockett, and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas. Texas is Sam Houston capturing Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana at San Jacinto. Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett and SamHoustonNational Forests. Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend. Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country. Texas is floating the rivers of the Hill Country on a hot summer day. Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas. Texas is beaches you can drive on and have many memorable bon-fires with close friends. Texas is that warm feeling you get when someone asks where you're from. Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas. Texas is world record bass from places like LakeFork. Texas is Mexican foods like nowhere else, not even Mexico. Texas is chicken fried steak and world famous Bar-B-Q. Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in Arlington and the Astrodome. (guess now the Reliant Stadium too).. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Ann Richards, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Gene Autry, Audie Murphy, Tommy Lee Jones, Waylon Jennings, Farrah Fawcet, Janis Joplin, Sandra Bullock, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Eva Longoria, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, Howard Hughes, and let's not forget GEORGE STRAIT- PANTERA, the Big Bopper, Tex Ritter, George Jones, Clay Walker, Mark Chestnut, to name ONLY a few. Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments, EDS and Compaq, Whataburger, Southwest Airlines , Bell Helicopter and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter, Valero. Texas is NASA. Texas is huge herds of cattle, beautiful horses and miles of crops. Texas is home to the world famous King Ranch. Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field. Texas is hundreds of deer running around neighborhoods and fields. Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer. Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local high school football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio. To drive across Texas is to drive 1/3 the way across the United States. Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities. If it isn't already in Texas, you probably don't need it. No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas. By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U...S. That can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. Flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California , or Maine , and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Klein Oak High or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why? Because it is the only state that was a Republic before it became a state. Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. And we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We can become a republic again at any time the voters of Texas choose, and we included these things as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part, right there. Texas even has its own power grid!! And don't even lie to yourself... Did I mention Live music capitol of the world? If you are a REAL TEXAN, you won't even need to be told to pass this on. GOD BLESS TEXAS !
I dreamed on Friday night that I met the actress who played Flo @ the TV diner - you know, the "kiss my grits" lady. In the dream, I was so excited to meet her that I just kept laughing this random, high-pitched "eh eh eh eh!" Like Flipper. And everyone looked at me warily and kind of started edging away from me, like at any moment I might spontaneously combust.
That's it. Nothing more happened. Just know that if you invite me to a F-list-celebrity-rich soiree, I might not be able to control myself.
For Jeebus sake! I'm not Latino OR a New Yorker, and when I saw this headline I almost banged my forehead against the screen in frustration. The term you're looking for, Oh Intern Who Seems to Have Taken Over Subhead Writing for the AP, is "Nuyorican," a kind of compound word that you find in Latino communities, like "holope" for "hold up/robbery." Copy editors: it is not enough to know a lot of vocabulary and grammar. You must also have social and cultural knowledge in order to place these words in context.
I'm laying on the bed, eating some pasta, watching a "Law + Order" marathon, and working my way to the top of Mt. Washmore. Emmie comes in and climbs on my legs, which are hanging off the bed. My knees DO NOT bend that way.
"No, honey," I say. She keeps climbing. "No, honey."
"Why?"
"Because you're hurting my knees."
She keeps climbing.
"I said 'no,' Emerson... Young lady, I said NO."
"Why?"
"I just told you it was hurting me."
"But you da mommy."
"But I'm not invincible."
She freezes and looks hard at me.
"Wuss bincible?" She asks.
"It means nothing can hurt me."
"Yeah!" She squeals happily. "Cause you da mommy!"
"I want to know who was sitting around one day and thought, 'Let's take tiny plastic pets and put them in tiny pink cages and sell it as The Littlest Pet Shop,'" I rambled to Lindsey, a nice, quiet girl I hardly know. By the end of our chaperonning duties at this tween birthday party, she will probably know my bra size and least favorite foods. I will probably still only know her name. That thought does little to shut me up.
"Well, everything smaller is cuter, I guess," she comments, mildly.
"Right. Little ax murderers..."
"Oh, in a My Little Maximum Security Prison?" she smiles.
AUGUSTA, GA. - There comes a time in everyone's lives when we sit up and think, "Aha! THERE'S my million-dollar idea!" But not each of those epiphanies bears out as we think it should. Here is a list of some of those disappointments, in no particular order.
1. Prodyne® Automatic Sugar Dispenser - Ideal for all sorts of everyday uses - coffee, cereal, baking, wasting my frickin' time... Just push a button for a precisely measured 1/2 teaspoon of sugar... unless it gets wet, gets tipped over, the batteries run down, or it just frickin' breaks, because you've decided that using a spoon is just too much work! Included refill funnel conveniently stores in the base. Or, you could just use a spoon.
2. PFI/Toyland 3 in 1 Digital Keychain Camera - Features 2MB memory, USB cable, and software CD. TWO MEGABYTES of memory?! You'd be better off buying it to use as nunchukus in the case of ninja attack. And if you win, you can taunt them with your tiny photos!
3. Tamrac® Carrying Case for Compact Digital Cameras - Dual Foam Technology secures your compact digital camera. Two Universal Memory & Battery pockets on the front keep you fully prepared. But isn't the whole point of getting a compact digital camera so you don't have to carry all that crap?!
4. ThinkFun Rush Hour - Pure bumper-to-bumper fun, the manufacturers say. They lie.
5. Waring Pro Cordless Wine Bottle Opener - Wine bottles open with ease (even with synthetic corks), thanks to this rechargeable unit. Yeah, look, they're called wine keys - and they were already cordless!
6. Time Life® Sweatin to the Oldies Complete Collection - This complete collection includes over 380 minutes of fantastic low-impact workouts. Because one DVD of Richard Simmons and his jazz hands is never enough.
7. Coleman® Remote Control Lantern - Where are you putting your lantern in your huge tent that you need a frickin' remote control?
8. Presto® FryDaddy® Deep Fryer - Family-size fryer makes delicious chicken, fries, and more. People, it's a pot. You probably have several already under your counter.
9. Waring Pro Martini Maker - Electric martini maker just plug it in then shake or stir. I want to know who shook a martini and thought, "This is just too much work." Because I want to find them and slap them.
10. Smartshopper Grocery List Assistant - With this handy, easy to use organizer, you'll never find yourself at the grocery store wondering what you need, or forgetting a crucial ingredient. Yes, you will. No microchip can change that - unless it's in your brain.
Scott and I are talking about water boarding. Is it torture? Is it legal? Is it acceptable for us to have different standards for soldiers in a standing army v. members of a self-supporting militia? Perhaps no other subject inspires such feelings of naivete, helplessness, and inadequacy within me.
"Back in World War II," he began (where he always begins, by the way). "If you came in behind an enemy army and tried to sabotage the supply line, there was no Guantanamo. You were lined up against the nearest wall and summarily shot."
"I guess that's war," I conceded, reluctantly.
"That's war," he agreed. "That's what happened when you come in behind an enemy and try to infiltrate the rear."
I start snickering. He glares and continues.
"It's bad when an enemy soldier is caught doing it. It's worse when it's a civilian," he says. "WHAT?"
I snort. "You said 'infiltrate the rear."
He cackles. But I sense the discussion is over. I guess we're not really on the same intellectual level. He an amateur historian. I'm an amateur 12-year-old boy.
Momnesia - The forgetfulness that overtakes the mental capacity of any new mother
Two parents, both employed by the media, raising a little girl, who wants to be a princess, while trying to keep the ties that bind from choking the living $#!T out of us!
