Why I'm in Favor of Birth Control for Teens

AUGUSTA, GA. - Emmie's into hard-boiled eggs, lately. She likes to crack and peel them. This morning, I showed her how to boil eggs. We talked about stove safety, we talked about heat and why water boils, and what steam is. We let the eggs cool and while she sat down to eat them, I went to get our clothes ready for the morning.

I came back into the living room to find her mournful face gazing down upon two flattened, unpeeled, boiled eggs that were sitting in the palms of her hands. How quickly things with a child can go from perfect to shattered.

"What happened?" I asked, holding the bowl so that she could drop in the eggs.

She sighed: "I was tryin' ta be a chicken, and den dey smash and -"

I have no idea how that ended because my laughter drowned out her explanations. Oh, man, it was totally worth the effort to make her more eggs.

The Quickest Way to a Co-Workers' Heart

I brought Krispie Kreme doughnuts to the office today, and everyone was engrossed in their meetings when I came in.

"Doughnuts!" I sang, and put the two dozen on the middle console.

No one moved. The sales department was pulling contacts and buzzing around the next deadline. Edit was talking about feedback from the new issue. Graphics was having a meeting in the conference room.

Are you kidding me? This is an office that practically mowed down a 9-year-old selling candy bars yesterday - and while I love me some dark almond, I have to say that, in all honesty, they aren't really the "world's finest."

I picked up the phone and dialed the intercom.

"We have doughnuts. I repeat: We. Have. Doughnuts."

A door clicked open and the entire graphics team filed out of the conference, sheepish grins on their faces.

"We literally stopped in the middle of a sentence," Dave laughed.

What a Halloweenie!

"So will you dress up with us tomorrow?" I ask Scott.

"I will if you want me to," he laughs.

"Awesome! What are you going to be?"

"I'm going to go as the famous, handsome, dogged, determined, feared, adored, hard-working, award-winning, intrepid reporter Scott Hudson!"

"Frankenstein it is, then."

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Serious Journalists at Work, Here

Alice picks up a wad of flesh-colored cloth: "What is this?"

"That's my son's costume," Dave replies. "He's going to be a muscle-man."

Alice slips it on, to comic effect. The six-pack abs sit up on her chest, making her look like the triple-boob lady from "Total Recall."

There was some discussion about the possibility of him going as Tupac Shakur, but the idea was rejected. However, they are going to draw tattoos on the bodysuit.

"That reminds me of a tattoo I saw on the website Ugliest Tattoos of Biggie and Tupac, but they were birds... like one was red and one was blue... and it was weird," Alice says.

"That is odd," Dave says.

"Why would you make them into animals in the first place?" I ask. "Ooh, unless they were Beta fish."

Aw, Hammer... You Hurt Me

Rocking the Cradle of Love

AUGUSTA, GA - While we move, I want to get rid of things we don't need.

"Honey, do you think you can go through these old cassettes?" I ask Scott.

"But... Those are all my old recordings! The radio shows and the band I was in..." He protests.

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"You were in Billy Idol?"

"Shut up."

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I Have Always Depended on the Kindness and Unrequested Advice of Strangers

AUGUSTA, GA - So, in case you haven't heard, Emmie was bitten by a pit bull. And there has been no end of drama since then.

"Ooooh, what happened to your face?" strangers croon over Emerson.

"Um, I wuz talkin' to a liddle girl, and den her dog comed up and put his claws on de fence and den he bite me in da face," Em replies, with plenty of drama and sometimes a little growl

"I'd have killed that dog," comes the inevitable reply.

Yes. We know. You'd have grabbed yer gun and shot the dog, then attended to your child.

That's not what my husband chose to do. He chose to ignore the dog and tend to our bleeding, screaming child.

And I'm proud of him for it. He exercised an inhuman amount of restraint in letting the legal system run its course. Yes, he was angry. Yes, he made some statements with which I didn't agree. But on the whole, he has acted with more control than, at least by their own statements, most people would in a similar situation.

And that commitment to calm and control has been a great comfort to me.

Besides, I already warned him that if he ever goes to jail for something stupid like that, I'm not bailing him out. Hee!


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This morning, Scott came in the front door with a bewildered look on his face.

"How...?"

"I know. I'm so sorry." I hung my head, mortified.

"But... How?"

(Sigh) I broke the car. Again. Backing up last night, I knocked the driver's side mirror off its post. Oh, it still works. But it dangles uselessly on the side of the car.

"See, I was leaving the new house, and trying to avoid the trailer with the yard trash, AND the giant pecan tree, AND there's no outside light, and I forgot about that weird leg of the fence that juts out right there... Please don't lecture me. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not going to lecture you. I just..." He shrugs, and heads back out the door. "Oh, well."

Really? That's all?

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And People Complain About the Lack of Surprise in a Marriage?

Me: "Hi, honey. Do we have access to a truck tonight?"
Scott: "Yep. What did you buy on the Metro Spirit classifieds?"
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Scott: "Just tell me."
Me: "I don't... what are you... why do you think I bought something?"
Scott: "Oh, please."

Of Public Toilets and Preschoolers... You May Thank Me

AUGUSTA, GA. - We were at Colonial Times in North Augusta, and there is nothing for "the privvies" except port-a-potties. It's the first time she's used one.

"Loot! Dere's dark poopies and light poopies and... mama? Why's der blue?"

Please. Just don't talk about it.

Time for an Eye Exam?

AUGUSTA, GA - We're ap the Colonial Times festival when Emerson spies a re-enactor.

"Dat loot lite my Daddy!" she says.

"Um, hmm. I don't think so, Em," I reply, while Kelli, my sister, laughs.

"Yeahuhuh!" Emmie shrieks. "It DO loot lite him!"

Judge for yourself...

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I Love My Sister

AUGUSTA, GA - We're enjoying the Colonial Times festival in North Augusta. There is an announcement of a battle to take place. The Daniel Boone re-enactor stands by a tree and tells us about his life.

"Why is he lecturing everyone? I thought there was going to be a battle with Daniel Boone," I said.

My sister, Kelli, grinned: "So just throw something at him."

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Lack of Planning Hinders Flow of Moving

AUGUSTA, GA - Oh, the unending fun of packing, painting, moving, and organizing. About 20 boxes in, I realized that I hadn't labeled any of them.

Scott grinned, while I hung my head. The last time we moved, it was from apartment B to A in our current 2-story, 2-apartment house. One of us just chucked items down the stairs, while the other and then-18-month-old Emmie caught and placed them.

"That's alright," he said. "It'll be like Christmas."

(Sigh) Sometimes, he really knows exactly what to say.

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And This is Why English is So Hard

AUGUSTA, GA - We're painting the house and need another gallon. Scott has decided to do the hallway a nice, pale... beige. ***YAWN***

"I'll run to Wal-Mart and get it for you, if you want."

"That's okay," he says. "I have a tint in mind and I'm afraid you might get the wrong one."

"The wrong tint?"

"Yes."

"Of beige?"

"YES."

"Daddy, you buyd a tint?!" Emmie asks, excitedly.

"Not yet."

"We goeend campeend?!"

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Why Short Men Can't Get Dates

AUGUSTA, GA - Emmie is coloring and narrating the story as she goes.

"Der once was a mermaid name of Ariel. And she decide to marry her Daddy."

"Whoa, doodle. That's a bit too Freudian for me," I laugh.

"Iss not Frodonan. Iss King Triton. Frodo is short an' hab big feet."

Dude, who let her watch "Lord of the Rings?!" I swear it wasn't me!
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