Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Freakboy in da HOWSE!

Again with the crazy talk in the middle of the night. I stay up to get some cleaning done, and when I come to bed he pats me on the shoulder. I think he’s awake. I am, as usual, dead wrong.

“Honey, what time do you have to get up?”
“mmmmmffff....”
(pause)
“Okay, what time do you have to be at work?”
“mmmmm.... “
“What time do you have to be at work?”
“‘ess...”
“What? Ten?”
“Nest.”
(pause)
“Um, what time is that?”
“Nest.”
(giggle. snort.)
“What time?”
He takes his face out of the pillow to better enunciate and says very clearly: “NEST.”
(snort. chuckle.)
“Okay. Well, I don’t know what time that is.”
“NEST.”
“Where is that on the clock?”
“55 across.”
I’m trying not to wake him seriously, but I’m laughing so hard that my spit is out of control.
“What did you say?”
“55 across. Nest.”
He sits up. I can’t control my volume anymore.
“Nest!” I cackle. ”Nest!”
He looks at me guffawing, sprawled out across the bed, and grins sleepily at me.
“I’m glad you find me so amusing.”
“Honey, do you have any idea what you’re talking about.”
He pauses and considers this. Then picks up his hand and pokes me in the forehead with his forefinger.”
“Meps,” he says.
“What?”
He does it again.
“Meps.”
“What’s meps?”
“Like the aliens.”
“Aliens?”
“Yeah. You know.”

No. I don’t know. What I do know is that my husband is a freak.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Sleepwalking

Scott is a heavy sleeper. No, you don’t understand. I would mistake Scott’s sleeping for a coma if it weren’t for the fact that he occassionally wakes me up to have confusing conversations at 4 a.m. Like, take the other night...

Scott sits up in bed very suddenly, startling me out of sleep.
“Honey? What’s wrong?”
I pat his back with my eyes closing.
“You can apply for the peppers and onions at HM if I don’t ever wake up.
pause. My eyes open.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“The peppers and onions.”
I roll my eyes. Jeez. Here we go. He is looking at me, expectantly.
“What good will that do me?”
“They’re 50 cents.”
“Uh-huh, and I have to apply for this?”
“Go for it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about at 4 a.m.?!” I smack him in the arm.
Please don’t do that.”
He said it so forcefully I thought that he must be awake.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’d rather you just took the peppers and onions instead of making a goddamn scene about it.”
(groan)

I decide he can talk to himself, roll over, and try to go back to sleep. He gets up to pee. Well, of course now I have to, too. Damn. I come back to bed. He’s asleep. I lay down and close my eyes...
“I want my C-H-E-S back and then I’ll let Patrick off the hook.”
(goddammit!)
“What’s C-H-E-S?”
(he scoffs)Cheese.”
“What?”
He sits up and glares at me: “WHAT do you want?”
“What?”
“”What do you WANT?”
“Hey, you woke me up!”
“Okay, I’m quickly going from angry to livid. WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
“YOU woke ME up! What do YOU want?!”
He sighs exasperatedly, puts his head down and closes his eyes.
“I want cheese on my goddamn salad.”

Wow, does the couch look comfy right now, or what?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Enough with the blogthings

So I’m aware that all my postings are stupid quizzes. Not too interesting, I know. But it’s all I’ve had time for and don’t go pretending that you give a crap about my life! Sycophants!

Anyway, my days have been like this:
-wake up - daughter whining
-feed daughter - daughter whining
-play with daughter - daughter laughing
-put daughter down to go pee - daughter crying
-come back (did I wipe?) - daughter whining
-put daughter in swing to check email and get started on 60-page freelance job I took writing about property law as it related to squatter’s rights (what the fuck was I thinking?!) - daughter whining
-dangle succession of toys in front of her - daughter squirmy happy
-turn back to computer after picking one that makes her happy - daughter whiny
-give up after an hour of repeating the last two and try to make something to eat - daughter screamy
-bang head against wall - daughter laughing
-give up trying to get something to eat and pour a big glass of Diet Coke (aaaahhhh. breakfast of champions)
-play with daughter some more - daughter laughing
-continue until daughter begins rubbing her eyes, try to put her down for a nap.

and basically I repeat this until she goes to sleep, and I use those times do frantic document searches online. My first deadline is tonight, and I’m blogging instead, because I’m SO NOT GOING TO MEET IT ANYWAY!

If I don’t get a regular job soon, I’m going to cry.