Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Bats in my Belfry

Friday, June 15, 2012 By

When Emerson and I moved in with my parents in April, I knew they had a bat in the attic. No big deal, I thought. I'll get rid of it.

So I've done things like put up bright lights, play annoying sounds, and put out bat repellent in order to drive them out. Make the environment inhospitable, and they'll want to move on, I thought.

Now there are four bats in the attic. And they're not going anywhere. 

So, this Saturday, I decided it was time for them to go. Thanks for visiting; vacation's over.

Four bats. They'd be easy to deal with. 

My plan was to get old towels and a cardboard box. I would throw the towel over each bat, shove it in the box, and then get the next bat. I'd take the box, drive out to the country, and let the bats go. Fly free, my friends. 

Good plan. Solid plan. Foolproof plan.

I waited until my parents left to run errands. I knew they'd never agree to this because RABIES. Everything rabies. You know how parents worry.

I dressed in long pants, long sleeves, gloves and a hat. I gathered four towels, a cardboard box from the storage shed, and lowered the attic stairs. The four bats hung on a screen over the gable vent. We put the screen up years ago so that animals couldn't get in, so obviously they were entering somewhere else. But I'll deal with that later.

I approached the bats, stepping on the scattered - and ultimately ineffective - packets of bat repellent. The bats took no notice of me. They just hung there, quiet. Nearly motionless. In the soft light, asleep, with their little bat wings folded against their bodies, they looked... GROSS. 

Seriously, in my mind they were adorable little furry winged pets. In reality, evil flying monkeys from Oz.

I tossed the towel over the first bat, and went to pluck it off the screen.


That bat sent out a high-pitched distress call that awakened the other bats - no, not just the three on the screen with it...

... the TWO DOZEN or so bats that had been hiding under the eaves!

They had been nesting, hidden, in the dark recesses of the eaves. And now they were angry. And I was surrounded.

I don't know how many bats I hit as I made for the attic stairs. I just know that my running and shrieking did nothing to deter them from repeatedly dive-bombing my head. With RABIES. Y'all. I was PUNCHING bats in the air! Like, I punched A LOT of them.

I reached the top of the attic stairs and gravity did the rest. I hit the wooden floor in the hallway, rolled like a ninja, turned, and kicked the folding stairs back into the attic opening. YOU GUYS, I KICKED THE FOLDING STAIRS BACK INTO THE ATTIC OPENING!

Then I lay on my back, on the wooden hallway floor, and shook.

Emerson came running from the living room. "WUT HAPPEN?!"

"Oh... nothing... Mommy just fell down."

Mommy fell down a flight of stairs on the run from a shrieking horde of flying RABIES.

"Oh, I he'p you up. You okay?" she asked.

I did not think I was okay. But I checked myself out. No broken bones. No sprains. No bites or scratches, thanks to my protective gear and ninja-like reflexes.

I didn't tell my parents or Emerson exactly what happened. But mom called an exterminator. He'll be out on Thursday to modify the house so when the bats leave, they can't get back in. Then he'll return in a week to trap any remaining bats and clean up whatever mess they leave behind.

I don't know if I can properly express my gratitude that such heroes exist. But the check he left with had smiley faces where the many 0's should be.

Monday, June 11, 2012

I am the moron in the scenario - big surprise

Monday, June 11, 2012 By

Andrew: "So, you need the html?"

Me: "Yes."

Andrew: "So just click there to copy it."

Me: "I don't see the right code. It's just the embed code."

Andrew: "Wait - what?" 

Me: "I need to link the screen shot image to the video, so people can just click through from the home page."

Andrew: "So, you don't need html?"

Me: "What? Yes, I need the code to link to the video, but all I can pull from here is the embed code."

Andrew: "So... you want the url."

Me: [blink] "... Oh. See, you're using real words that mean things, and I'm expecting you to guess what I'm thinking."

Andrew: "Right."

Me: "You should work on that."

Thursday, June 07, 2012

City Song

Thursday, June 07, 2012 By

My BDCC level (Blood Diet Coke Content) was dangerously low, so I walked down Peachtree Road to get a sammich for lunch.

I started singing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" as I was walking - because, in a city, they only deem you crazy if you're naked and eating someone's face. Just as I reached " a tiger defying the laws of gravity," a cyclist in a red helmet zoomed by me on the sidewalk singing "I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva; I'm gonna go, go, go, there's no stopping meeeeeeee..."

And he cycled off down the road.

It was awesome.

Monday, June 04, 2012

Court in Juky

Monday, June 04, 2012 By

I sent my friend, a family law attorney, a Fandango gift certificate. She is awesome, and she and her husband deserve some kind of date night.

Mary Anne: "Holy crap, woman! Thank you, but what was this for?" she texted me.

Me: "For not telling me to shut the eff up every time I freak out about custody proceedings. And then telling me to shut the eff up when I need to hear it. Also, I watched a 'Law & Order' marathon today, so I'm TOTALLY READY for court in Juky."

Me: "I mean, July. Although Court in Juky would be an interesting band name.

Mary Anne: "Court in Juky could have hits like 'No No Briscoe' and 'McCoy and Schiff Blues.'"

Me: "OMG, that's awesome. Imma let you finish, Kanye, but Court in Juky is the best novelty act of all time! Of all time!"

Mary Anne: "CIJ 4 LIFE."

Me: "Word."

Oh, look: There's someone named Juky on the Internet. But is Juky in COURT? Or, more pertinently, is court in HER? I didn't think so. CIJ 4 LIFE, homieez.