Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Friday, May 30, 2008

Geez, Really? All This Over a Wig?

Click here to watch the video captured by a student's cell phone.

AUGUSTA, GA. - A Stephenson High School
(Lithonia, Ga.) substitute teacher and a tenth-grade student have been charged for fighting each other on the last day of school. A cell phone camera captured the entire incident.

The fight happened Friday, May 23 on the last day of school. According to an incident report, the two had been having conflicts all day. The teacher, listed as Carolyn Jones, said she overheard the student saying she was going to pull Jones' wig off. The 53-year-old said she took the wig off herself and told the student that she would have to protect herself if the student messed with her.

The brawl was caught on another student's cell phone camera. Police are still reviewing the video to see if Jones acted in self-defense and who started the fight. But the incident report states that it was the teacher who kicked the student in the leg as she was heading out the door, possibly starting the altercation.

At one point on the tape it appears the teacher takes off a shoe and begins hitting the student with it.

The report also indicated both the teacher and student walked away with scratches on their faces.

DeKalb County school police have charged Jones and the student with disorderly conduct. The school said the tenth-grader may also face further disciplinary action.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

From My Mom! Thanks!

Why God Made Mothers: All answers given by 2nd grade school children.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do an yt hing else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best...

AUGUSTA, GA. - Two words: canned bacon. Keep reading.

For the first time in almost 20 years, canned bacon is back in this Country. Not available in any store!

More than 2 years went into the development of this bacon, and we’re proud to be able to bring this back to you after improving on a what was a very successful brand of canned bacon made years ago by Celebrity Foods (registered Trademark, all rights reserved).

Bacon Case

Each can is 9 ounces of fully cooked and drained bacon. Between 2-3/4 and 3-1/4 pounds of raw bacon go into each can. Each can is the highest quality fresh #1 bacon slices. Cured to our specifications, cooked and then hand wrapped, rolled and packed in the U.S.

We cook this bacon down for you prior to canning, so you won’t pay for all of the natural shrinkage that occurs whenever you cook bacon. Then we carefully drain all of the fat and liquid off and can it fresh so it will taste as good out of the can as it would right out of the refrigerator.

100% U.S. bacon!!

With a shelf life in excess of 10 years, this bacon makes a perfect addition to your food storage program and it is great for every day use. Take some with you when you go camping, hiking or hunting - keep a case in the boat, RV, cabin or anywhere that you may need to prepare a meal but don’t have refrigeration!!

Here’s what it looks like when it comes out of the can;

Bacon Can Open 1

Bacon Can Open 2
Comes out easy. Bacon stays together until you unroll it.

Bacon out of Can 1

Bacon out of Can 2

Bacon out of Can 3

Bacon out of Can 4

Bacon out of Can 5
Ready to eat right out of the can or toss it in a pan to heat it up.

Bacon out of Can 6
Bacon retains its sliced form and is easy to work with.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Back from Vacay! And... Yeah. I Haven't Caught Up With CRAP Yet

AUGUSTA, GA. - I'll tell you all about my travels, but in the meantime, here's a taste to keep you going.

A.C.: "Why are they even making another 'X-Files' movie?"
H.M.: "Because the truth is out there, A.C."

Friday, May 16, 2008

Stupid Headline of the Day

Armed Woman Awakens, Robs 86-Year-Old

What was an armed woman doing sleeping on the job? Shouldn't she have been popping a cap in someone's ass?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tried and Tested

Seriously: join up, take surveys, make money. It's not a lot of money, but it's more than you make NOT taking the surveys.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Stupid Headline of the Day

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 By No comments

Sex dungeon dad: 'I am not a monster'

Yes. You are.

Gah! Another one! Women enters pleas in 1-year disappearance of teenage girl

It seems this copy editor skipped the topic of subject-verb agreement in HER WHOLE LIFE.

We Could Do Worse


Monday, May 05, 2008

Princess nation

AUGUSTA, GA. - When little girls attack, it looks an awful lot like an army of pink-clad princesses marching forth from preschool to pubescence. What are the lasting effects of this obsession?

Wearing an outfit seemingly cast off from the set of the old “Solid Gold” television show, my daughter spins around with her arms held gracefully at her side.

“It’s a wunnerful dweam come twue,” she gasps, quoting a line from “Cinderella.”

Emmie is 3 years old, so I hold back my gag reflex and reflect upon my own childhood. I’m sure I behaved in a similar manner… didn’t I? I wrack my brain for something upon which to hang my last shred of hope that we didn’t get the wrong baby at the hospital. Nope, I got nothing. I spent my days poking things with sticks and getting as dirty as I darn well pleased. Emmie washes her hands five times a day. Whose child is this?

Dr. Keri Weed from the psychology faculty at the University of South Carolina-Aiken explained that each infant is born with unique traits, and that some things are constitutional — inborn, but not necessarily genetic.

Click here to read the rest of this story
.

The Dork Factor is Strong With This One

AUGUSTA, GA.

A.C.: "Can I ask you a huge favor?"
Me: "No. I'm having too much fun making knackwurst jokes."
A.C.: "Knock Knock wurst jokes?"

And that, my friends, was the best of the wurst.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

PRIZE GIVEAWAY: Nearing my 1,000th Post


AUGUSTA, GA. - I'm nearing my ONE-THOUSANDTH post (if the headline didn't clue you in), and I'd like to do something special to commemorate three years of boring the pants off people. I'm in the middle of redesigning the look of the blog, so if I'm offline a little bit in the next week, you know why. And the week after that, I'm going on a well-deserved vacation. I'll repost oldies-but-goodies during that time.

BUT, for every person who leaves a comment on this blog between now and May 20, and clicks through any google ad, you'll be entered to win a prize pack of brand-new music, movies, and a T-shirt.

Soon, I'll be opening an e-commerce complement to this blog. But first I want to get the dang redesign and address redirect out of the way. I might have to call upon the design god at cdharrison.com for a little help, but it'll eventually get done.

Panic at the Pantry

AUGUSTA, GA. - Some nights when I get home, I open the cabinet doors... and close them again. I check the freezer... and then the fridge... what was I thinking at the grocery store?! Can I get away with making cranberry muffin chicken pie? Perhaps some soy and ginger cake? Nothing seems to fit together, and recipe sites like epicurious and allrecipes took so long to scroll through. Half of their suggestions had more ingredients (or took more time, I need dinner now! I can't marinate for 24 hours!) than I had. In frustration, I googled ingredient list recipe match and discovered there is actually a site called Recipe Matcher. Of course, it has its limitations. If all you have in your house IS actually cranberry muffin mix and chicken, you should have the Chinese food delivery on speed dial. But if you have a few more ingredients, or you're looking for new combinations for more of the same ingredients you always have, this is a fun resource.

In Case of Zombie Attacks


AUGUSTA, GA. - Nobody likes to plan for the worst. But 72 Hours says that when disaster strikes, you should be prepared to fend for yourself for the first three days — and shows you how to do it. The site, run by the city and county of San Francisco, includes fires, floods, tsunamis, evacuations, terror attacks, contagious diseases and, of course, earthquakes. It doesn't specifically cover zombie attacks, but if you combine the information under terror and evacuation, you should have a workable plan. Just remember to bring an ax.

Stupid Headline of the Day

Saturday, May 03, 2008 By No comments

Grils, boy seized from N.M. sect compound

Grils? Was there an emergency police cookout?

Friday, May 02, 2008

A.C.'s Birthday

The birthday girl, new purse in hand... er, on shoulder.

"Yes, so eet ees my berth-day, beeches. You veel dlink as I haf commanded."

What made me think that a picture of me drinking through a straw would be cool?
And is there any way I can have MORE rosacea? Geez!

Maybe if I pretend the camera isn't there, it will go away...

"Wazzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!"

Things of Beauty are a Joy Forever

AUGUSTA, GA. - I love art. I'm not analytical or academic about it. I just love that someone took the time to create, to breathe life into a concept that didn't exist until they made it so.

I browse Etsy a lot. Here are some I love, but there is SO MUCH MORE!
Click on the photos to see more.








Note to Self: Drink Less Caffeine

Me, to A.C.: "I was having a staring contest with you a little while ago, but you weren't paying attention so I won."

Food writing has its benefits.

AUGUSTA, GA. - Ah, the privileges of being a food writer… well, there aren’t many. But free beer is one of them. Vermont-based Magic Hat Brewing Company sent a press kit to the office with two bottles of actual beer, carefully bubble-wrapped, inside the box. They even included a handy bottle opener. Thanks, Magic Hat. You can find the beer at Tap Tap, Helga’s and The Pizza Joint in Evans. Visit magichat.net.

One of their press reps, Dave O., called to inquire as to whether or not we'd be running any editorial coverage on the product. While I think it might have been more impressive if they'd asked that question before spending the money on postage, I was happy to tell him that the above paragraph would appear in next week's Mouthful column. I asked him for his e-mail to send him a link.

Dave: "Sure! It's [redacted]@magicalearth.com," he said.
Me: "Magical earth?"
Dave: "Yeah."
Me: "...You guys play a lot of Frisbee golf don't you?"
Dave: "Um... yeah. We do."
Me: Hey, listen to my genius: You guys should sponsor David Blaine's next tour. You may thank me for the idea. But I prefer cash money.
Dave: We did have a summer variety show last summer, so anything's possible. You retain all rights, of course.

See, that's what you call "professionalism."

Our Associate Publisher's New Car

This is A.C.'s new car. Ain't it a cool Mercedes station wagon?
It's the latest model released here in 1983.


Note the high-tech accessories like the oversized mobile phone antenna, for when your friend just have to call you and scream, "Where the beef?!"
Ah, that ad is just so popular these days.

The custom paint job gives her car the stylish "acid wash" look.
It's not just for denim!


Her fancy headlights are trimmed in complementary shades of green goo. Someone's been watching an awful lot of "You Can't Do That on Television!" Cable is so high-class. All the cool kids have it!

Check out the giant trailer hitch. Being a Kansas girl, she must use it to transport all the... wheat?

And, finally, as you see in the video below, the car comes with a great sound system that even Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Not seen in the video, her rockin' high-fi tape deck.


video

Out of the Mouth of My Babe

AUGUSTA, GA. - First, I can't believe that it's been so long since I posted anything. It's not that there hasn't been wonderful, witty repartee to relate. I've just been swamped with work. And tired. And I have a toddler with a double ear infection. And a husband who will, undoubtedly, sleep through the Second Coming. Anyhoodle... Emmie stories. Three-year-olds are amazingly perceptive creatures.

Monday, 4 p.m.
I picked Emmie up early because I was across town finishing an interview anyway. I brought her home, made her something to eat, got her all acclimated and absorbed in activities that would allow Scott to continue working. Then I readied to return to work for the evening.
"Mama! Don't LEEEB me!" she shrieked, anguished eyes filling with tears.
"Oh, sweetie!" I hugged her and smoothed my hand over her cheek. "I have to go back to work."
"No go work, mama! Stay her wit Emmie," she pleaded, clutching my arm and laying her cheek on my shoulder.
"Honey, mommy has to work so we can buy you peanut butter and yogurt and pretty dresses and shoes," I said.
"Noooo," she whined. "We go to da store."
I laughed: "We have to have money at the store."
She lifted her head and looked me in the eye: "And dollars?"
"Yes, dollars, too."
"You go work get me money and dollars?" she asked, her head cocked to one side. I was proud of her for making the connection (and, of course, dismayed).
"Yes, doodle-bug."
Her face lit up: "OKAY! Dank you so mush!"
She plopped back down at her activities table just as Scott walked in.
"Daddy! Mama go work an' get me dollars and moneeeeee!" she shrieked happily. He looked at me, bemused. I sighed. Sold out for dresses.

Thursday, 7:30 a.m.
After wrangling Emmie for a while and trying to simultaneously entertain her and take a shower (it involved a lot of "peek-a-boo," one session of which ended after soap leaked into my eyes... I guess that's just called "boo."), I stepped out to dry off. I forgot to condition my hair, but whatever.
"Mama!" Emmie commanded from two feet below me. "Waise you arm!"
Amused, I squatted down and raised my left arm, expecting her to wiggle her fingers and say, "tickuw, tickuw!" She frowned. "No! Da odder arm!"
I raised my right arm. She bent in and I tensed for tickling. Instead she examined my armpit very carefully, and then grinned a huge toothy smile.
"Mama! You got whiskers!"
I looked down. I had shaved only one side.
Awesome.