Momnesia

Augusta, Ga. - My sister-in-law, Allie, is in labor RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Emerson is beside herself: "I'm so ett-CITED, Mama! My very own cousin!" she said this morning.

Actually, Emmie has two other cousins of her very own, but they have always been older than her. And they're boys. Smelly, dirty boys. :-)

Allie was the most patient pregnant woman you ever saw - and maybe the most adorable. I don't know where she found her maternity clothes (certainly not on the clearance rack at Target, like I did), but she always looked great. She's not a trendy, spendy kind of woman. She always looked professional. But if she'd wanted to flaunt it, I could see her in this tank top or this dress.


I came across them on a site called Kiki's Fashions. And then I spent an hour looking at clothes that I would wear now, and I'm not even pregnant. They have cute, trendy maternity clothes, a total break from the sailor suits and muumuus that we're usually forced into once we have a bun in the oven. But even without the word "maternity" stuck out in front of the phrase like a giant hood ornament, their clothes are adorable. And they're super reasonable. Kicky party dresses for around $30. Summery, short-sleeved blouses for about $20. Cute, NON-MOM JEANS for between $20-$30.

If you buy something from them, use the code "blogfriends" for a 20% off coupon.

Augusta, Ga. - This is - mostly - a list of phrases I've been compiling for a while. But today I heard one that took the absolutely breath right out of my lungs for its sheer absurdity. I'll end with it, because nothing - NOTHING - can top it.

1. "Back in the Day" - People who use this phrase un-ironically are living in the past. But, guess what? There is a present AND a future! And the rest of the world? Yeah. We're not missing you in either.

2. Staycation - I put down marketers just like everyone else, pretending I'm not working in their ranks. But I have to give the creator of this vacuous mash-up some props for the sheer speed with which his or her phrase caught on. But the word "vacation" does not mean "travel." And for those of us with conferences and such on our calendar, the word "travel" does not always mean "vacation."

3. "Become a reality" - This may be the writer in me talking, but there were few other writing techniques from students that pissed me off more than this phrase. "The plan to build a giant animatronic dinosaur in the middle of downtown Augusta may soon become a reality." "One day, flying cars will be a reality." First, the entire construction is passive. Second, the verb is passive. Third, the object is ephemeral. It's The World's Least Descriptive Sentence! Only way to piss me off more? Start a story with a song quote. That's an automatic stupid-deduction in points.

4. "No soup for you!" - "Seinfeld" has now been OFF the air for longer than it was ON. Stop with the Soup Nazi, will ya?

5. Anything Dane Cook says - In his sellout standup shows, he will crack wise on such groundbreaking subjects as: airports, driving, the differences between men and women, and how people want to be friends. When he gets married, you'll get to hear stories about his wife, and how she annoys him! The only difference between Dane Cook and Henny Youngman (besides the fact that Youngman wrote his own jokes, and Cook does not) is that Youngman's jokes had punchlines. Cook's jokes hinge on his personal brand of ultra-confident douchebaggery. Dude is not funny.

6.  "I loves me some" - I like Toni Braxton, too. I think she's underrated, in general, because people are more impressed with the pterodactyl-like screeching of sopranos than nuanced altos. But, apart from that, the first time that I'm aware of anything like that phrase being used in pop culture is in "Porgy & Bess." And since few people know more about the Gershwin opera than Fantasia Barrano singing "Summertime" on American Idol, then it's not some pseudo-intellectual reference to high culture. It's ignorant. So shut up.

7.  "I Have Been Searching So Long" - No, folk musicians, you haven't been searching for anything as long as it feels like I've been listening to your song.

8. Literally v. Figuratively - Again, the nerd-writer in me despises using these words - ever - because no one seems to know their meaning. If you think you know what they mean, reverse the meanings. THAT is what the words actually mean. People use the word "literally" to mean "figuratively." But they don't use "figuratively" at all. Maybe that's because when using a phrase figuratively, it should be pretty obvious. Like, I wouldn't say someone is "literally larger-than-life," because they'd be the size of King Kong, and no one would get it. So you just say someone is "larger-than-life," and figurative part of the statement is implied by the obvious disparity between the possible and impossible. But, look, people use the word "literally" when they DON'T mean that something is literal. "I literally fell out of my chair," is a phrase I saw someone write, recently. Now, there are several problems with that sentence. One, unless you mean that you word-for-word fell out of your chair, set the word "literally" off with commas. But if you're using it in a hyperbolic sense, in order to add emphasis, you're just murdering the word. Because if you fell out of your chair, in the actual-literal sense that your ass hit the floor, then that's emphasis enough.

9. "No-Brainer" - This is a phrase used a great deal in business to describe a decision that should be made with little waffling or discussion. The problem is that it's often used in order to discourage discussion about a decision that needs examination. But calling something a "no brainer" make you look like a no-brainer if you question it. Sometimes it's used to describe a task that someone without a brain could do. But, you know what? They really couldn't. Because they don't have a brain!

10. "Artisanal Water" - An artisan is a skilled craftsperson; not quite an artist, but extremely good at what he or she creates. Small-batch cheese makers, organic wineries, master potters, and award-winning hand quilters can all be identified as artisans. So unless that water was bottled by GOD'S OWN HAND, it is not "artisanal."


What phrases annoy you?

Augusta, GA. -

Emmie is fascinated by the trash collection truck, with its giant motorized claw to dump the trash cans into the compactor. Every Tuesday and Friday she's at the window, clapping, for the driver. "Yay! He's doing it!"

Last Friday, though, she roused me off my sickbed (the couch) with a belly laugh I haven't heard in a while.

"He drop da trash can!"

I peered out the window to see the large green container on its side, claw hand grasping fruitlessly at the air where it had been. Slowly, the driver worked the claw into position, and tried to pick the can up, only to drop it again. I smiled as Emmie burst into new gales of laughter. The driver wasn't visible from our vantage point, so to her, a robot truck was having trouble adjusting to an unexpected quirk in its environment.

But I knew there was a guy out there in the cold and rain, trying to get our stupid can back up so he could finish his route on time. I slid my shoes on and started for the door, only to see the claw get a firm grip on the can. He wouldn't be needing my help after all. I slid my shoes back off.

But before I could turn around, a glitch in the claw's handling sent the trash can flying end-over-end - 15 yards, at least - across the lawn! I doubled over laughing with Emmie. Oh, the flying trash can! That sight would stay with me a while.

I slide my shoes on, still hooting with laughter, and stumbled down the stairs. I reached the trash can and righted it just as the driver came around the front of the truck, also laughing.

"Dude! You invented the flying garbage can!"

He chuckled, "I don't know what was going on there!"

I got the impression that, like me, he'd be giggling to himself over this at odd moments for the rest of the day.

Emmie was sitting on the front steps, still belly laughing: "You fro da trash can!" she shrieked with delight, and the driver and I burst into new gales of laughter.

"That was fun to watch, man. Thanks," I said.
He grinned: "You're welcome."

We shook hands.

"Have a nice day," I called, as I walked back to the front door, shivering.
"You, too," he called.

I'm still giggling about it a week later.

AUGUSTA, GA. - There comes a time in everyone's lives when we sit up and think, "Aha! THERE'S my million-dollar idea!" But not each of those epiphanies bears out as we think it should. Here is a list of some of those disappointments, in no particular order.


1. Prodyne® Automatic Sugar Dispenser - Ideal for all sorts of everyday uses - coffee, cereal, baking, wasting my frickin' time... Just push a button for a precisely measured 1/2 teaspoon of sugar... unless it gets wet, gets tipped over, the batteries run down, or it just breaks, because you've decided that using a spoon is just too much work! Included refill funnel conveniently stores in the base. Or, you could just use a spoon.



2. PFI/Toyland 3 in 1 Digital Keychain Camera - Features 2MB memory, USB cable, and software CD. TWO MEGABYTES of memory?! You'd be better off buying it to use as nunchukus in the case of ninja attack. And if you win, you can taunt them with your tiny photos!


3. Tamrac® Carrying Case for Compact Digital Cameras - Dual Foam Technology secures your compact digital camera. Two Universal Memory & Battery pockets on the front keep you fully prepared. But isn't the whole point of getting a compact digital camera so you don't have to carry all that crap?!




4. ThinkFun Rush Hour - Pure bumper-to-bumper fun, the manufacturers say. They lie.




5. Waring Pro Cordless Wine Bottle Opener - Wine bottles open with ease (even with synthetic corks), thanks to this rechargeable unit. Yeah, look, they're called wine keys - and they were already cordless!




6. Time Life® Sweatin to the Oldies Complete Collection - This complete collection includes over 380 minutes of fantastic low-impact workouts. Because one DVD of Richard Simmons and his jazz hands is never enough.




7. Coleman® Remote Control Lantern - Where are you putting your lantern in your huge tent that you need a frickin' remote control?




8. Presto® FryDaddy® Deep Fryer - Family-size fryer makes delicious chicken, fries, and more. People, it's a pot. You probably have several already under your counter.





9. Waring Pro Martini Maker - Electric martini maker just plug it in then shake or stir. I want to know who shook a martini and thought, "This is just too much work." Because I want to find them and slap them.




10. Smartshopper Grocery List Assistant - With this handy, easy to use organizer, you'll never find yourself at the grocery store wondering what you need, or forgetting a crucial ingredient. Yes, you will. No microchip can change that - unless it's in your brain.

AUGUSTA, GA. - Yes, it IS 2:30 in the morning. And I AM posting. That's because the police just left our house. At 1:45, our idiot neighbor, Michael Avery, decided to start hollering my husband's name repeatedly: "Eey, SCOTT! SCOTT!! SCOTT!"

That's how we know he's still alive. Because if he's breathing, he's asking for something. Can he use the telephone? Can we drop him off at the store? Can he bum a cigarette or a beer? A sandwich, or a kidney, or whatever? This man is 49 years old and works at a car wash. Yet, he doesn't own a car.

This would be the third time THIS WEEK that the fool has started hollering at us at oh-god-o'clock. The first time, I woke Scott. The second time, I told him to hold it down unless it was an emergency. This time, I'd had it. Scott is AT WORK from 5 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. six days a week. He doesn't need this crap. So I told him to shut his piehole. I'm going to relay his responses in plain English. But it was very difficult to understand him because he was bombed out of his mind. There was a lot of me repeating, "What?.... What?!" In fact, I'm just going to write him in an approximation of an English accent. Because he still sounds crazy - just imagine .

Me: "Michael, it is 1:45 in the morning. I told you: If it isn't an emergency, I don't want to hear from you after 10 p.m."

Michael (standing outside his front door in boxers and a tank top, waving a machete): "I say, old chum, did you, perchance, come to my house and chop down my bushes with this machete?"
 
Me: "Did I what? Is that a machete? Are you serious?"

Michael: "Yes, ma'am, I am serious. I desire to know if you perpetrated this grievous offense."
 
Me: "Michael, I don't chop down bushes with reckless abandon. Maybe one of the yard people left it by accident. But it is 1:45 in the morning, and these things can wait until daylight!"

Michael (pointing the machete at me): "Oh, I do not think so. Were you the individuals who called the rental agency and filed a complaint about me?"

Me: "No, I didn't call them. But I'm going to on Monday, just so there's no unwarranted suspicion. You can't keep waking your neighbors up every time you need something. Scott goes to work early, and he needs his sleep."

Michael (waving the machete and stomping around - really, he's doing a fantastic impression of a Maori welcome dance): "Aha! I thought so: You DID call the agency! I suspected it was you, and now I am certain of it!"

Me: "This is ridiculous! Do not wake us up again like this. My husband needs his sleep."

Michael: "I think you mean to say that you require YOUR nightly rest."

Me: "... Are you high?"

Michael: "Are you high?"

Me: "Absolutely not. Now shut the hell up and let everyone sleep!"

Michael (muttering): "Yes, female dog. You need YOUR sleep."

Me: "Don't you call me - look, don't come borrow our phone anymore. And we're not taking you anywhere in our car. Do not bother us. Don't talk to us. Don't ask to borrow things from us."

Michael (walking closer to me and chopping at a nearby tree with the machete) "Oh, you cross onto my property, and ruin MY bushes, and then you raise the subject of TELEPHONES? Why don't we discuss your husband. I see him. I know what he does. Let me raise this name, and, simultaneously, make an important point: Austin Rhodes."

Me: "What does he have to do with this?"

Michael: "I repeat: Austin Rhodes."

Me: "What about him?"

Michael: "Please, perchance that you did not hear my comment upon first utterance: Austin Rhodes."

Me: "... okay...?"

Michael: "He is a redneck."

Me: "Okay... And?"

Michael: "And so are you."

Me: "Fine. Whatever. But, for the last time, I didn't chop your stupid bushes. And if you can't be quiet, I'm going to call the police."

Michael (jumping and shouting and brandishing the machete menacingly): "By all means, call them! Be my guest! I shall cross onto your property, and enter your front door through a precise kick! I shall also cause serious damage to your vehicle so that when your husband is driving with your child..."

Me (interrupting, and dialing the telephone): "Okay, idiot. I'm calling the police and telling them that you threatened me, and that you're waving a machete."

Michael: "Oh, I say!"

As the 911 operator answers the line, Michael throws the machete across the yard and storms back inside his apartment, turning off his porch light. Momentarily, officers are on their way.

Two officers respond and bang on Michael's door. He has dressed himself in a polo and chinos. They see that he is intoxicated, they find the machete he tossed, and they question him about his activities. In his usual incoherent manner, he claims to work for E.G. Meybohm, for the Augusta National... I'm pretty sure the C.I.A. was next. Luckily, they didn't buy it, and they didn't care. That wasn't the point. They asked him about what happened, question me as to precise location and whether or not he touched me (is he still alive? Then, no).

He tries to tell them that I'm making things up. He insults me, my husband, our parentage, and the whole of the Austin Rhodes-listening free world, for all that has to do with anything. They run a warrant check, and it doesn't help him that he has priors - nothing serious, a DUI, small things. But they dress him down verbally, warn him not to talk to us again, tell him that he's their first suspect if any property damage occurs, and take the machete away. He goes back inside, but not before stopping to give me a long, menacing glare.

Me: "Nuh-uh, Michael. Not scared of you."
Officer: "Sir, go inside."
He does. Slowly.

They can do one of two things, they tell me. They can file this as an incident report, and keep an eye on the property. Or they can file it as a criminal complaint, and I can take a warrant out on him in the morning, for terroristic threats - although I won't be required to. But a criminal complaint is... more? Actually, I don't quite understand what the deal is. Isn't it just paperwork? Ah, well. They advise me that if they had seen him with the machete, it would be a different matter. But right now, it's a he-said/she-said situation.

I trust their judgment and go by their recommendation to file an incident report. I know they'll keep an eye on the property by driving by several times during the night, as they've assured me. They seem to be good officers. So as not to be accused of stealing the machete, they toss it back in the yard where he'll be able to find it in the daylight - but not at night. [Update: my husband totally found it the next morning and took it.]

Officer: "He could come in and claim that was a $500 machete and then this guy's face [jerks his thumb at his fellow officer] would be on the 6 o'clock news."

Me: "You guys have way more to worry about than just catching bad guys, huh?"

Officer: "You have no idea."


MONDAY UPDATE: It seems Meybohm has received so many complaints about him that they began eviction proceedings on Sunday, after hearing from Scott about the incident. We sent Emmie over to her grandparents' house last night, and I've stayed awake until 4 a.m. the last two nights, trying to make sure nothing unsafe happens. I don't know what we're going to do tonight, but I'm pretty freaked out.

AUGUSTA, GA. - Trivia: In Atlanta, homicide detectives "earn their hat." When detectives solve their first case, they earn a fedora. You'll see it on the evening news. It's classy, classic, and it engenders respect.

AUGUSTA, GA - So I've picked Emmie up @ her grandmother's house, and we're cruising through Jones Creek Golf Community jabbering to each other. We get to the 3-way stop by the lake, come to a complete stop a moment before red car at the street on my left, and start forward again at a crawl.

The red car, pulling an improperly lit trailer attachment, turns left in front of me, laying on his horn. I stop and let him pass, giving him a brief "honk u" in return. So the dude stops the car and gets out, yelling obscenities.

"Das not good," Emmie muttered.

Y'all know me: I rolled down my window, pointed my Blackberry at him, and said, "What was that, sir? I couldn't hear you." Even though everyone on the planet heard him acting like an ass.

He shouted, "I said you broke the law!" before beating a hasty retreat from the sound and sight of my camera flashing.

"What are you doing now, sir?" I asked.

This is that fool running away from my camera. Red car. Red shirt. No, he doesn't have anger-management issues...


Just to be clear, I HAD right of way. Being a rich asshole doesn't get you in front of people all the time. In a world filled with iniquity, traffic laws hold us all to the same standard.

License plate: AUY 6326

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

E-mail to A.W.
Subject: "An invitation to join me on Facebook!"
Message: " Joooooiiin uuuuuuuuusssss!"

E-mail to me
Subject: "Re: An Invitation..."
Message: "I will never join your evil cult!"

Subject: "Re: Re: An Invitation..."
Message: "Fine. But you will be the last to know when the zombie invasion begins."

Subject: "Re: Re: Re: An Invitation..."
Message: "I am not afraid of zombies!"

Subject: "Re: Re: Re: Re: An Invitation..."
Message: "Then you will die."

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I was totally appalled by this when I opened my gmail this morning. Canned e-mail messages are one thing, but canned e-mail responses? But a moment after I finished glancing through it, I realized what the date was: April Fool's Day. This is the first time in my life I've ever NOT been taken in - fully - by an April Fool.

But just for kicks, I clicked through the hyperlinks:

The easiest email could possibly be. As more and more everyday communication takes place over email, lots of people have complained about how hard it is to read and respond to every message. This is because they actually read and respond to all their messages.
Sample Autopilot responses Respond to business proposals Manage relationships Match your personal style

If that first response doesn't clue you in to the joke, then I am pleased to inform you that I have a relative in the Congo who needs help smuggling their millions out of the country. You can have a 10% cut if you help!

There are 7 pure-bred female Samoyeds who need a "forever home" because their owner/breeder, Cathy Pendleton, is losing her battle with breast cancer. She can no longer care for her dogs and has been moved to Hospice after being in the hospital for a week.

The dogs are in the Atlanta , GA , area, but they will allow them to be adopted out of state. All the owner/breeder wants is for all of these girls to get good homes. Currently, they are not wanting to place any of the dogs in foster care because they are trying to move the dogs only once. My understanding is that the older animals have been spayed. Because she is a breeder, the younger dogs are not spayed; however the new family would need to have the dog spayed if she is less than seven years. (The dogs range in age from 1.5 years to more senior dogs.)

One look at their picture (below) shows how extraordinarily beautiful these dogs are. (I count 8 in the picture, but perhaps one has been placed already.) All are healthy and well cared for, up to date on shots, heartworm, flea treatment, etc. The new "forever" home will need to have a fenced yard with sufficient space for an active dog. The folks who are placing the Samoyeds for the owner may do a home visit either before, after, or both to ensure that the dog and their new family are a good fit.

If you think you might be interested after reading Velvet's email (below), her contact info is v.a.simmons@att.net.

This man's ass was blinking. I'm sure there's a purpose, but still... blinking ass. Just not a normal sight.

Top Shelf Cigar & Tobacco on Washington Road in Evans sells their cigar boxes to the public. Paper-covered cases, like the Macanudo box below, sell for just $2. The nicer wooden ones sell for only $4. That's quite a deal for some classy-looking storage boxes!

If you haven't been by Jim Beck's Columbia County location, it's a great time to do so. They have some beautiful outdoor seating. I like to sit in the air conditioning during the summer - and away from the bugs - but as soon as it cools down some, you'll find me chowing down on some duck at one of these tables. Yum!

I know that the organic sections of several groceries are expanding, but there are still products those stores don't carry, like the amazing sweetener called stevia. Up to 300 times sweeter than sugar and with almost no calories and a negligible effect on blood glucose, it's a godsend for diabetics. Heath Restoring Foods on Washington Road in Evans carries it. Yes, the price is $11. But at that concentration, it lasts forever.

They also carry a weight-loss product called FucoThin. It's produced from a seaweed extract. Most fat-burning products work by creating a thermogenic effect in the body. FucoThin is unique because it creates a thermogenic effect without stimulating the central nervous system. It's not supposed to give you the jitters or cause you to lose sleep.


Of course, the name of the place is Heath Restoring Foods, so obviously they carry specialty groceries, too.

Izzie is a delicious juice-based soda that promises a full serving of fruit in every bottle.

These are just yummy, yummy chips.

Quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") is a whole grain product that's like rice or couscous, but metabolizes slower and carries more health benefits.

And below, you see a variety of canned meat-substitute products for the vegetarians in the area. They also have a frozen food case and much, much more.



If health isn't the issue, and you're just bored with the food you've been eating, check out Asian Choice off Washington Road, in the shopping center behind Applebee's (near the bowling alley). They have frozen naan, samosas, pakoras and a variety of exotic fruits and vegetables, canned and boxed foods and foreign candies and such to try. Definitely get the frozen naan, samosas and pakoras, though - although watch out for the samosas. They're small, but they pack a spicy punch!