Momnesia

Top Ten Phrases That Should be Banned

Augusta, Ga. - This is - mostly - a list of phrases I've been compiling for a while. But today I heard one that took the absolutely breath right out of my lungs for its sheer absurdity. I'll end with it, because nothing - NOTHING - can top it.

1. "Back in the Day" - People who use this phrase un-ironically are living in the past. But, guess what? There is a present AND a future! And the rest of the world? Yeah. We're not missing you in either.

2. Staycation - I put down marketers just like everyone else, pretending I'm not working in their ranks. But I have to give the creator of this vacuous mash-up some props for the sheer speed with which his or her phrase caught on. But the word "vacation" does not mean "travel." And for those of us with conferences and such on our calendar, the word "travel" does not always mean "vacation."

3. "Become a reality" - This may be the writer in me talking, but there were few other writing techniques from students that pissed me off more than this phrase. "The plan to build a giant animatronic dinosaur in the middle of downtown Augusta may soon become a reality." "One day, flying cars will be a reality." First, the entire construction is passive. Second, the verb is passive. Third, the object is ephemeral. It's The World's Least Descriptive Sentence! Only way to piss me off more? Start a story with a song quote. That's an automatic stupid-deduction in points.

4. "No soup for you!" - "Seinfeld" has now been OFF the air for longer than it was ON. Stop with the Soup Nazi, will ya?

5. Anything Dane Cook says - In his sellout standup shows, he will crack wise on such groundbreaking subjects as: airports, driving, the differences between men and women, and how people want to be friends. When he gets married, you'll get to hear stories about his wife, and how she annoys him! The only difference between Dane Cook and Henny Youngman (besides the fact that Youngman wrote his own jokes, and Cook does not) is that Youngman's jokes had punchlines. Cook's jokes hinge on his personal brand of ultra-confident douchebaggery. Dude is not funny.

6.  "I loves me some" - I like Toni Braxton, too. I think she's underrated, in general, because people are more impressed with the pterodactyl-like screeching of sopranos than nuanced altos. But, apart from that, the first time that I'm aware of anything like that phrase being used in pop culture is in "Porgy & Bess." And since few people know more about the Gershwin opera than Fantasia Barrano singing "Summertime" on American Idol, then it's not some pseudo-intellectual reference to high culture. It's ignorant. So shut up.

7.  "I Have Been Searching So Long" - No, folk musicians, you haven't been searching for anything as long as it feels like I've been listening to your song.

8. Literally v. Figuratively - Again, the nerd-writer in me despises using these words - ever - because no one seems to know their meaning. If you think you know what they mean, reverse the meanings. THAT is what the words actually mean. People use the word "literally" to mean "figuratively." But they don't use "figuratively" at all. Maybe that's because when using a phrase figuratively, it should be pretty obvious. Like, I wouldn't say someone is "literally larger-than-life," because they'd be the size of King Kong, and no one would get it. So you just say someone is "larger-than-life," and figurative part of the statement is implied by the obvious disparity between the possible and impossible. But, look, people use the word "literally" when they DON'T mean that something is literal. "I literally fell out of my chair," is a phrase I saw someone write, recently. Now, there are several problems with that sentence. One, unless you mean that you word-for-word fell out of your chair, set the word "literally" off with commas. But if you're using it in a hyperbolic sense, in order to add emphasis, you're just murdering the word. Because if you fell out of your chair, in the actual-literal sense that your ass hit the floor, then that's emphasis enough.

9. "No-Brainer" - This is a phrase used a great deal in business to describe a decision that should be made with little waffling or discussion. The problem is that it's often used in order to discourage discussion about a decision that needs examination. But calling something a "no brainer" make you look like a no-brainer if you question it. Sometimes it's used to describe a task that someone without a brain could do. But, you know what? They really couldn't. Because they don't have a brain!

10. "Artisanal Water" - An artisan is a skilled craftsperson; not quite an artist, but extremely good at what he or she creates. Small-batch cheese makers, organic wineries, master potters, and award-winning hand quilters can all be identified as artisans. So unless that water was bottled by GOD'S OWN HAND, it is not "artisanal."


What phrases annoy you?