Momnesia

D.I.Y. Emergency Dis-Services

One of the writers at the Spirit encountered a confusing situation. This is not precisely the conversation that took place...but he says "Memory is a tricky thing, ya know."

911: Augusta 911, what's your emergency?
Me: Yes, I am driving up Broad Street near Eve Street and there is quite a bit of smoke in the area.

911: Are you in any danger?
Me: Uh, no. Like I said, I'm in a car driving up Broa…

911: Is anyone in the house with you?
Me: No, you don't understand. I am in the car. Driving. Up Broad Stre…

911: Can you see the fire?
Me: Uh, no. I don't know where the smoke is coming from, but there's a butt-ton of smoke blanketing the whole area.

911: Are you in any danger?
Me: ...you're kidding, right?

911: Sir, please remain calm. I need to know if you can see where the smoke is coming from.
Me: I just told you that.

911: Told me what?
Me: Told you that I don't know where the stupid fire is. I am trying to find it.

911: Are there any hot doors?
Me: Hot what?

911: Hot doors, sir.

(incredulous pause)

911: Sir?
Me: Ya. Give me a sec. I am checking. Let me pull over.

911: Okay...
Me: Holy Crap, you can't be serious! Are you reading from a script? Are you referring to a script so you know what to say next? I mean, are you even listening?

911: Sir, I…
Me: No! No there are no hot doors on the vehicle I AM DRIVING UP BROAD STREET BETWEEN EVE AND MILLEDGE!

911: Okay, sir. Thank you. Hold please.

(2 Minutes Later... whatever is burning now is probably fully engulfed.)

911: Sir, can you try and get people away from the fire.

(another incredulous pause)

911: Sir?
Me: I'm here. I just don't know what to say at this point.

911: Can you get people away…
Me: Okay, I heard ya. Sure thing. I'll get right on it.

911: Can you direct firefighters to the scene?
Me: Oh my God! What scene?! It's like 10 square blocks covered in smoke! I don't know where the stupid fire is! Are you even listening to what I am saying?!

911: Sir, please remain calm. Thank you for your cooperation. Emergency crews are en route.
Me: Actually they're not. I just passed the fire station. You know, in my car.

911: Thank you for your assistance. Please direct them to the fire.
Me: Sure thing. Actually, it's probably the Station that's on fire. They probably let dinner get out of control. You know those crazy firefighters. Always burning stuff just so they can put it out.

911: That's great! Then they're already there!
Me: Actually, I think the school just burned down. And I just saw a flaming puppy run across the street. Those poor children…you know, the ones who are at school at 11 o'clock at night.

911: Wait, the fire is at the school?
Me: Dunno. Probably should start the search there, huh?

911: Thank you, sir.
Me: Holy Crap…I give up. Have a great night reading.

911: How did you know?
Me: Just a hunch. Goodnight.

911: We'll call you if we need anything else.
Me: Please don't.

Okay, that last part was hyperbolic. But when he drove past the fire station, they were opening the doors to bring out the trucks and the dispatcher asked the writer to find the fire and direct the firefighters to it. So for 20 minutes, he and the fire trucks criss-crossed the streets of Harrisburg, passing each other and looking, like Keystone Kops on a chase.

"Finally, they stopped and asked me why I was following them. I told them what the dispatcher said, and they were like, 'Yeah, thanks, but we've got it from here.'"

If you've ever met this guy, you'd know he'd never stop if there was even a chance he'd be useful. It's too bad that Augusta 911 doesn't have his ethics.

By the way, M.T., can I do my impression of me at the ice cream parlor again? You seemed to really enjoy that.