Thursday, December 29, 2005
My little sweetie!
One day after she turned 11 months, Emerson stood up without assistance for the first time. She’s done it before, but has almost immediately fallen over. This time, she stood up, wobbled, and crouched down. Then she stood up again! It was awesome!
I...
My little sweetie!
One day after she turned 11 months, Emerson stood up without assistance for the first time. She’s done it before, but has almost immediately fallen over. This time, she stood up, wobbled, and crouched down. Then she stood up again! It was awesome! I...
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Christmas Steve
It’s our first Christmas Day with Emerson, and we’ve already had a month-long argument with Scott’s mom about how we’re going to spend it. She actually was MAD at me because I wouldn’t let her have Emerson Christmas Eve. I was like, “She’s our daughter....
Sunday, December 04, 2005
I'm not usually this shallow.
But I had on the TV for background noise while I was writing my column, and “The West Wing” was on. I love Janeane Garofalo, so looked up and what the hell is up with her eyebrows?Before:http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0246464/Ss/0246464/16-C57-10.jpgAfter:http://us.tv1.yimg.com/tv.yahoo.com/images/he/photo/tv_pix/nbc/the_west_wing_cast_photos/janeane_garofalo/west3.jpgSee?...
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Adolescented
I did a bad thing. I’ve been pining for music that doesn’t rely on a middle-class white boy screaming into the microphone while another middle-class white boy plays power chords with a stop-starty sound. I downloaded Limewire.I can’t afford to go out...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Ahh, Family
Emerson and I just woke up and we're both starving. I grab her a bottle out of the fridge and settle her in.Kelli, my sister, says, "There's some awesome cinnamin bread in the kitchen."I take a bite. It IS awesome. I run away with the whole loaf while...
Monday, November 14, 2005
Tagged
One of our cars hasn’t worked in a while, and we only just today were able to get it fixed. But we can’t drive it from the repair lot until we update the tag. The car is not at the house.Me: “Did we pay the tag last year?”Scott: “I called them for...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Ring in the New Year
My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary just a few weeks ago. It’s been a very busy year - at times almost too stressful to handle, at others too blissful. I’ve enjoyed getting to know him on a more mundanely intimate way, and here...
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Press 1 to press 1 again
Multitasking is a big part of my job. I have a desk full of equipment with cords that sometimes tangle together like a big pot of noodles: a telephone, fax machine, printer, laptop, and dictaphone. Today, I was trying to leave a message for a client...“To...
Monday, October 24, 2005
The Musical Fruit
I made dinner tonight: ham with prailene sauce, black-eyed peas, butternut squash. Tasty! But there’s a recurring problem with my cooking...
Scott: Okay, I never criticize your cooking, but every time you make beans...
I double over laughing.
Me:...
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Today's dilemma
So here's my dilemma for the day. First, please remember that I am about 10 years older than you are so my anti-aging concerns are a little more pressing. So, my dilemma... If I use: a facial cleanser with 2% salicylic acid and a blemish reducer...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
City of Neighborly Love
(loud booming noise from below us)Scott: The neighbors are watching that movie again.We have a standing agreement that our neighbors downstairs either have one movie where things blow up that they watch repeatedly, or they have every movie in the world...
Monday, October 03, 2005
As I Am Dying
The whoosh of rushing wind fills my head as the cargo bay door opens. “I don’t want to die.” I beg the man standing in front of me. “You’re not going to die,” he says – and pushes me out of the plane. I am 10,000 feet over a bright green field,...
Monday, September 19, 2005
The Audubon Guidebook to Man-Watching
Forbes magazine didn’t even bother to rank Augusta in its annual study of the singles scenes in cities across the nation (Atlanta came in tenth). But 2000 U.S. Census data shows that from Thomson to Beech Island, single woman outnumbered single men...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
The Job Interview Junkie
I am a babbling idiot. Drool dangles from my lip. I sit slack-jawed in front of the man who would be my boss – if anything would come out of my mouth. He has asked me a question, the answer to which I practiced in the car on the way here, and yet I...
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Confessions of a Cheapskate
“What’s that?” I asked, pointing to the wood floor of our living room.“It’s a penny,” my husband answered, unconcerned.I sighed, picked it up off the floor, and put it in a can with its long-lost relatives. I confess: I’m a cheapskate. If there’s a...
Friday, August 19, 2005
Job Hunter/Gatherer
You know, I’m a nice girl. I’m also a nice employee. I work hard. I try to keep my mouth shut. I am a team player. Most importantly, I am honest and ethical (can’t say that for my last employers, who I hear are being investigated by the GBI. Thank god...
Friday, August 12, 2005
Church of Eternal Crap
Scott and I have been ordained as ministers through the Universal Life Church. We are discussing what to call our ministry.Scott: “Universal Augusta.”Me: “Sounds like a movie company.”Scott: “Eternity International.”Me: “Too corporate.”Scott: “Souls...
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Funny Dog
Scrabble has decided that Emerson is a person - and as a person, she has an inherent duty to play with him. This means that he spends a lot of time trying to engage a six-month-old who generally plays with something by either a: eating it, or b: yanking...
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Freakboy in da HOWSE!
Again with the crazy talk in the middle of the night. I stay up to get some cleaning done, and when I come to bed he pats me on the shoulder. I think he’s awake. I am, as usual, dead wrong.“Honey, what time do you have to get up?”“mmmmmffff....”(pause)“Okay,...
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Sleepwalking
Scott is a heavy sleeper. No, you don’t understand. I would mistake Scott’s sleeping for a coma if it weren’t for the fact that he occassionally wakes me up to have confusing conversations at 4 a.m. Like, take the other night...Scott sits up in bed...
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Enough with the blogthings
So I’m aware that all my postings are stupid quizzes. Not too interesting, I know. But it’s all I’ve had time for and don’t go pretending that you give a crap about my life! Sycophants!Anyway, my days have been like this:-wake up - daughter whining-feed...
Monday, June 27, 2005
Should have known
I bought Emerson a Baby Einstein book. She loved it so much in the store that she cried when I took it away from her to put it back on the shelf. I was going to get her a rattle, but she liked the book better.Swinging in her swing/high chair contraption,...
Friday, June 24, 2005
Dorkilicious
There’s always a checklist to follow when I go anywhere with the baby. Tonight, we were getting out of the car at Famous Dave’s - BBQ, yum! - and I was going through it...windows up?check.sunroof closed?check.purse?check.bank card in my wallet?check.diaper...
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Theory of Music
I developed a theory of music after playing a game years ago with geek friends of mine who would quiz each other on music knowledge. We would have “name as many bands as you can that...” category quizzes. One of them was place names, and the theory...
Monday, June 20, 2005
Monday, June 13, 2005
Wooden Acting
I have a splinter in my ass. I must have gotten it when sitting on the deck stairs watching the dog run around like mad. Scott offered to get it out for me, and I know he’s my husband, but I just can’t let him.Is that weir...
Driver's Ed
Scott got off work last night at 11:30. I was tired, okay? I was TIRED! We’re driving home, and I stop at a red light on Milledge Avenue. We’re still chatting away and after a couple of minutes Scott gets impatient.Scott: “So, are you just going to...
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Monkey Brains
Scott and I are writing the summary of his book to submit to Harbor House Publishing. We’re writing it in the form of a news story (my idea), and I’m writing it because Scott doesn’t know how to do this. He’s frustrating THE HELL OUT OF ME because -...
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Twenty Steps to Mommy Success
My friend Jennifer wrote recently: “It sounds like Mommydom is treating you just fine even though children can so easily turn into 'howling balls of fury.' I was talking to Catherine this morning about her Emerson. She’s teething and trying to crawl....
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Cheese and Crackers
We’re sitting at the Vortex in L5P talking about random stuff, and somehow the story Douglas Adams (author of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) told at his lecture in Athens came up. I love this story.
So Douglas Adams (or, "Doug," as I like to...
Friday, May 20, 2005
Holy Terror
Emerson has been possessed by a screaming banshee. It’s hard to calm her down and she’s been skipping her naps. I spent the morning walking her and rocking her. She had plenty to eat, she was dry and not too hot or cold. At that point, baby books say...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Pacify This!
Emerson cannot go to sleep without her pacifier, but once she falls asleep, her mouth goes slack and the pacifier falls out. She immediately notices a distinct lack of rubbery goodness in her mouth and lets out a mighty scream.We go in, put the pacifier...
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Date Night! No Baby!
Me: We can go see a movie tomorrow?Scott: Yeah.Me: Do you want to see “The Ring 2?” It’s at the $1 theatre.Scott: But, we have the tickets.Me: But it won’t be at the theatre much longer.Scott: No, we’ll go see a movie at the big theatre.Me: Really?...
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Patron Verse of New Mothers
“...We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.” I Corinthians 15:...
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Ouch
Scott’s mother is cooing at Emerson, who is grinning up at her from her stroller.Patsy: “Nona loves you! You are the most beautiful baby in the world!”Me: “She is.”Patsy: “Oh, did you know that? You’re the most beautiful baby in the world. They broke...
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Without revealing too much
The complete and utter disregard by some people for ethical and moral guidelines never ceases to amaze me. A former coworker has been impersonating me online. To what end? I don’t know that I have enough darkness in my soul to even hazard a guess. It...
Monday, May 09, 2005
Swiffer Than You
I’m trying to get the house clean before my parents visit. It’s not easy because our dog sheds like mad, and it piles up under the bookcases.I sweep, but it’s not enough. I think I’m slick and I pull out the Swiffer that my mother bought us. I start...
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Mom Musings. Sorry! I'll Be Brief!
It’s been an amazing 3-month journey from our tiny, unresponsive-unless-she’s-crying little shitmonster to this incredibly interactive experiment in behavioral psychology.Now she’s trying to roll over. She’s discovered that she likes to sleep on her...
Monday, May 02, 2005
Dumbass
We’re out on the back deck, and I’ve been walking around in my underwear since Scott got home.Me: “So, you haven’t even asked me why I’m walking around without pants on.”Scott: “Why are you walking around with no pants on?”Me: “You know the chair that...
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Relief
I’m changing Emerson, and she has her feet up to her chest. I take them and put them in my mouth. She giggles and lets out a mighty fart. I press the soles of her feet to her cheeks and say in a silly voice: “Oh, noooooo!” And she opens her mouth...
Friday, April 29, 2005
By the Power of Greyskull
Scott: “My back hurts so bad.”Me: “I’m sorry. Is it worse or better?”Scott: “I don’t know.”(pause)Me: “Maybe it’s one of those things where it hurts a lot but then gets stronger like Superman. Maybe you’ll get X-ray vision.”Scott: “You know, I already...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Politics As Usual
President Bush was on TV last night. I don’t care about his politics. I just can’t stand to hear the man speak. A monkey could do a better job.So I went to take a bath. I relaxed in the water. I washed, scrubbed, shaved, and moisturized. But I could...
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Not Judging Their Beliefs, I Promise. I Just Always Sound Snarky.
o2grok1: What does Pentecostal mean? five something? Five what?Ptrend: I know what Pentecost was...but not the etymology...sorryo2grok1: what was it?Ptrend: Here we'll hear from Merriam WebsterEtymology: Middle English, from Old English pentecosten,...
Friday, April 08, 2005
Good parenting
Overheard at an education tour for 2nd graders:Little girl (jumping and shrieking): "Caitlyn took some candy!"Mother: Heather, no one is interested in your tattling. Caitlyn will make her own choices, good or bad.That's going in my "things to say" parenting...
Monday, April 04, 2005
Apologies, in advance, for the ranting
Jesus built my hotrod To the person with the nasty commentary today: I wish it had been directed at me. I would like to have bound you, gagged you, and told you this.There is room on this planet for all faiths. There is...
Monday, March 28, 2005
What we have here is a failure to communicate
I work at a tourist attraction, and we often have people in from out of town asking what to do, where to stay, where to eat, etc...Me: So my favorite place downtown is The Bees Knees, and -Man: The what?Me: The Bees Knees. Anyway, it -Man: The Bees...
Friday, March 25, 2005
Post-partum
We found out Friday that Scott's best friend, Duane, and his girlfriend, Lori Beth, are 6 weeks pregnant. We went over to congratulate and bring them a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," and we were sitting around chatting about pregnancy,...
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Stuffed Brains
We're talking about how the baby responds to the world around her now that she's almost 6 weeks old.Scott: "She's absolutely fascinated with Scrabble."Me: "Well, she can see him. He's so high contrast."The dog is a black and white rat terrier with crazy-big...
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Diaper Duty
Scott and I are both suffering from severe sleep deprivation. Emerson doesn’t want to sleep at night, but the daytime is just dandy. We’ve both been struggling to function - I poured Scott a glass of lemonade, put it in the fridge, and brought him the...
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Why is this so hard?
Scott’s parents stopped by the house while Erick and Becky were over with their son, Sammy. We were very happy to have some adult conversation. I didn’t realize how much until his parents offered to take Emerson for the night and Scott agreed.I gave...
Thursday, March 10, 2005
That's great
Me: “Okay, I’m going to Sam’s Club.”Scott: “Okay.”Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to go?”Scott: “No. My back really hurts, and my head hurts.”Me: “Poor baby. If it makes you feel any better, I got baby poo under my fingernail this morning when I was...
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Looking forward to such things
My friends Gage and Jamie had their baby in early December, so Kerrigan is a little further along than Emerson. Jamie emailed me this description of their little sweetie’s development:She’s getting interested in her hands, but hasn’t totally figured...
Monday, February 28, 2005
Have a cuppa
Scott hates rap. He sees no redeeming value in it. Well, except Outkast. But I’m always trying to point out that there is a redeeming quality to rap, if you understand the socio-cultural and historical placement. He insists it isn’t music.Anyway, I...
Saturday, February 26, 2005
If you see this man, give him a hug
Scott decided to go to the store with both the dog and the baby. He must have had a head injury to do that. After he dropped Scrabble at Petsmart for a nail trim and flea bath, he went to Wal-Mart. Emerson helped him look for shoes by screaming the...
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Everyone Please Go Away
My husband was picking up dinners in 75-80 degree weather. Some old lady walked up to coo at Emerson and said, “Ohh. Did your daddy bring you outside without a hat?” Yes, but usually we just leave her head at home.My mother-in-law came over to visit,...
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Crossed Words
I’m back at work from maternity leave (2.5 weeks later; must be a record) and I miss Scott and Emerson so much it’s painful. When I get home after my second day, Scott gives me a play-by-play on what they did that day.Scott: We slept in the bed together,...
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The Exorcist
Our normally complacent infant has been screaming her head off all day. After 5 straight hours of nap-free fussiness, during which I cannot manage to take a shower or walk the dog due to the ravings of my little hellmonkey, Scott comes home and offers...
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Baby Signs
We’re Emerson on simple baby sign language like “mama” (a hand brushing her cheek) and “dada” (tapping your hand to your temple). Normally in sign language the sign for an individual is the first letter of their first name, which you make the sign for...
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Mominator
Mom: “So Target next?”Me: “No, I forgot the gift card. We’re going to use it for some Baby Einstein toys for Emerson.”Mom: “Some what?”Me: “Baby Einstein toys.”Mom: “Oh! Well, as long as they’re not Baby Frankenstein toys.....
Friday, February 04, 2005
New Baby Smell
Me: She spits up a lot.Scott: I changed into my Queen shirt because she knows not to spit up on it.Me: Really? What’s that on your shoulder?Scott (checking out the whitish stain on the black shirt):“Uh... Spit up. Dammi...
Friday, January 28, 2005
Ooh, Baby I Love Your Way
We had the baby, but I wouldn't have known unless someone told me. I don't remember it.
She was late. I went for my now-weekly Wednesday checkup, hoping to be rushed to the hospital in dramatic fashion by the doctor. "Get the I.V.! Outta the way! Moveitmoveitmoveit!"
"Well,...
