Thursday, June 23, 2005
Theory of Music
I developed a theory of music after playing a game years ago with geek friends of mine who would quiz each other on music knowledge. We would have “name as many bands as you can that...” category quizzes. One of them was place names, and the theory I developed goes like this: “A band’s lack of suckiness is inversely proportional to the size of the place it is named for.” The smaller the place, the better the band is. The bigger the place, the worse it is. Large name = huge sucking sound. Big suck. Much suckage.
Supporting Data
Portishead - Really, really good. Named after a small English town near Bristol, UK.
Boston - “Don’t Look Back” is a good song. Not the best song ever, but good. Didn’t Clinton use this on his campaign tour?
Kansas - I love “Dust in the Wind,” but not a whole lot else... the list of good songs gets really short around the state-sized band names.
America - I doubt they’ve ever really been through the desert on a horse with no name. Not only do they suck, but they are liars. Saved from an opinion lower than this by LSD. Don’t ask.
Europe - “The Final Countdown”... ‘nuff said. Only saved from being the worst band on this list by the industry hair-band frenzy that got them signed so unfortunately in the first place along with Winger. Similar modern situation: Ashley Simpson. Two Simpsons are not better than one - one is bad enough.
Asia - “Heat of the Moment”... are you kidding? Sucky harmonies. Dated style. Cliched phrases in their song-writing.
If there is ever a band named “Earth” it would be almost the worst band ever. But not as band as a band named Jupiter... or Galaxy... God forbid some group would name themselves Universe. Anyone who heard them would go into convulsions. They’d be like the Vogon poets in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
So the way out of the curse is to name your band after somewhere small. Podunk. Bumblefuck. A.O.W. (Armpit of the World) I think the best band name would simply be “Here.” As in: “Here, tonight!” and “Hear Here!”
Aw, let’s face it: Most people are better off naming their band “Free Beer and Pizza.”
Supporting Data
Portishead - Really, really good. Named after a small English town near Bristol, UK.
Boston - “Don’t Look Back” is a good song. Not the best song ever, but good. Didn’t Clinton use this on his campaign tour?
Kansas - I love “Dust in the Wind,” but not a whole lot else... the list of good songs gets really short around the state-sized band names.
America - I doubt they’ve ever really been through the desert on a horse with no name. Not only do they suck, but they are liars. Saved from an opinion lower than this by LSD. Don’t ask.
Europe - “The Final Countdown”... ‘nuff said. Only saved from being the worst band on this list by the industry hair-band frenzy that got them signed so unfortunately in the first place along with Winger. Similar modern situation: Ashley Simpson. Two Simpsons are not better than one - one is bad enough.
Asia - “Heat of the Moment”... are you kidding? Sucky harmonies. Dated style. Cliched phrases in their song-writing.
If there is ever a band named “Earth” it would be almost the worst band ever. But not as band as a band named Jupiter... or Galaxy... God forbid some group would name themselves Universe. Anyone who heard them would go into convulsions. They’d be like the Vogon poets in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
So the way out of the curse is to name your band after somewhere small. Podunk. Bumblefuck. A.O.W. (Armpit of the World) I think the best band name would simply be “Here.” As in: “Here, tonight!” and “Hear Here!”
Aw, let’s face it: Most people are better off naming their band “Free Beer and Pizza.”
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