Momnesia

So here's my dilemma for the day. First, please remember that I am about 10 years older than you are so my anti-aging concerns are a little more pressing. So, my dilemma... If I use:

• a facial cleanser with 2% salicylic acid
• and a blemish reducer (aka pimple maker-go-awayer) with 2% salicylic acid
• and a facial scrub with apricot shells and 2% salicylic acid
• and a moisturizer with alpha hydroxy and some other acidic kinds of things I don’t understand
• and a peel-off mask with fruit acids
• and a chemical peel kit that includes a 10% acid solution...

I have the following questions

1. Will my face eventually just melt off, leaving behind only my specialty-lipstick-collagen-enhanced lips?
2. Will it matter after my husband kills me for spending $40 on all this crap?
3. Before he kills me, will he notice my smooth skin and plump lips?
4. Will Emerson inherit my mental disorder?

For extra credit, explain the similarities between Gloria Steinem and Pamela Anderson.
For more extra credit, explain why I think Tommy Lee is so freakin’ hot.