Friday, October 12, 2012
The Walking (in circles) Dead
I think, by now, my love of the zombie genre of everything is well known. So I thoroughly enjoyed the second season of The Walking Dead - although I'd have tied Carl to his bed if I was Lori. Stop wandering off, kid!
But at the end of the second season,...
Friday, June 15, 2012
Bats in my Belfry
When Emerson and I moved in with my parents in April, I knew they had a bat in the attic. No big deal, I thought. I'll get rid of it.
So I've done things like put up bright lights, play annoying sounds, and put out bat repellent in order to drive...
Monday, June 11, 2012
I am the moron in the scenario - big surprise
Andrew: "So, you need the html?"
Me: "Yes."
Andrew: "So just click there to copy it."
Me: "I don't see the right code. It's just the embed code."
Andrew: "Wait - what?"
Me: "I need to link the screen shot image to the video,...
Thursday, June 07, 2012
City Song
My BDCC level (Blood Diet Coke Content) was dangerously low, so I walked down Peachtree Road to get a sammich for lunch.
I started singing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" as I was walking - because, in a city, they only deem you crazy if you're naked...
Monday, June 04, 2012
Court in Juky
I sent my friend, a family law attorney, a Fandango gift certificate. She is awesome, and she and her husband deserve some kind of date night.
Mary Anne: "Holy crap, woman! Thank you, but what was this for?" she texted me.
Me: "For not telling...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I'd like to set fire to her pain
I know I'm about to alienate most of my (now-tiny) readership, but I have to admit something that will make me wildly unpopular.
I'm tired of Adele.
Yes, I bought her albums. And I enjoyed them. And Emerson used to sing along with her on the...
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Why Kant I answer?
"Mom?" Emerson asked one evening, just as I was drifting off to sleep. I jerked awake.
"Yes?"
"Why ders bad guys in da world?"
I really have no idea. Why ARE there bad guys in the world? We can talk about psychopathology and antisocial disorders...
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Having THE Talk... well, almost
Emerson is a happy child, who laughs a lot. But that doesn't mean that she hasn't been impacted by the changes in our lives. She sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and peppers me with questions. Sometimes it's related to court proceedings...
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
I'm all out of stories
"Tell me a story, mama," Emerson said.
It's a nightly ritual. We read a book or we tell a story. Sometimes we share (mostly) true stories about relatives in childhood, like "The Time Mommy Fell Off Her Bike in the Middle of the Street and Cried...
Friday, May 04, 2012
Dining in a small town
Recently, Gawker gave us this awesome piece about small-town food journalism. The companion pieces are hysterical! It reminded me of growing up in a small town outside of Atlanta, Ga., and I thought I'd share my rambling memories.
I remember when the...
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Third-world problems? Maybe if we were talking about the drinking water.
Alice and I are deciding where to eat for lunch.
Alice: Do you want to eat at Convenient Location A or Convenient Location B?
Me: I don't know. That's like asking me to choose between salmonella and E. coli...
Friday, March 09, 2012
Graduate students are the worst
Alice and I are discussing graduate school programs. We are ambitious, see. We have dreams. But these dreams, they cost ALL the money and dollars. And time... who has it? Still, Alice thought she'd found an online solution. But then I pooped on it.
Me:...
Thursday, March 01, 2012
I'm going to write a musical about this
We're talking about our perceptions of a very obnoxious individual.
"I just can't imagine him ever being young."
"Oh, come on, can't you imagine him in a bar rocking out to, like, Boston?"
"I wonder what kind of music he actually likes..."
"I...
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Do not call at 1 a.m. and chomp Doritos in my ear, druggie
It's after midnight when my phone rings. Holy crap, someone's dead.
"Hello?" I croak, sleep and the remnants of bronchitis clouding my voice.
I hear chewing. Chewing! Whose parents did not teach them phone manners? THIS GUY.
" 'ey," he chomps....
Monday, February 27, 2012
Burn!
So after three days off due to bronchitis, I returned, triumphantly, to work. There was no ticker-tape parade, but I felt like a winner because I was there instead of in bed.
Boss: "You take off more time than Obama! But, unlike Obama, we're actually...
Friday, February 24, 2012
Jamaican me crazy
Me: "You're going on a mission trip to Jamaica?"
Amy: "Yeah."
Me (snicker): "To convert the heathen Jamaicans?"
Amy: "NO. Dork. We're organizing a women's conference."
Me: "Oh, that'll be awesome! Have a great time!"
Amy: "We're also bringing lettuce."
Me:...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
You people do not appreciate me nearly enough
Emerson and I were walking across the Georgia Health Sciences University campus, chatting, on the way to my car. She's in a goofy mood and repeatedly head-butts me in the butt.
"Doodle, cut it out. You're bruising my bootie!"
She laughs. "Okay,...
Monday, February 20, 2012
One item crossed off my life goals
I really didn't get this Pinterest thing until I thought of a way to use it that made sense to me. And, lo, the best comment I have ever received followed shortly thereafter:
...
Friday, February 17, 2012
Who's getting rich quick? (Not this girl)
"Okay, I have this. Million dollar idea," I burst into Allison's office. I am all Kramer up in this joint.
We are always sharing our genius inventions. One day, we will actually have one. But then I'll get distracted by shiny and evil genius Channing...
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
You down with OPC? Yeah, you know me.
I'm down with Other People's Children. But some kids get on my nerves. Yes, I said it. I don't like your child, random mom at the park.
"What's that you're playing?" asked a boy of 8 or 9 years old, as I simultaneously killed the walking dead and...
Friday, February 10, 2012
Flights of fancy
We're at the park, and Em has made yet another group of instant friends. They run, breathless, to where I am lounging on one of the wooden play structures (the better to keep an eye on them).
"Are you her mom?" one boy asks.
"Why, yes, I am. How...
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Love notes
I put a note in Emerson's lunchbox. It said: "Emerson, I hope you have a great day at school. I love you very much. Have fun at ballet! Love, Mom. P.S. - There is a special treat in here for you." And I put a square of Dove chocolate in her lunch.
Well,...
Monday, January 30, 2012
Things I will never do
So it's the end of the first month of the year, and I've realized that I will never keep a New Year's resolution. Apparently, neither will you. But that's okay. Because there are many things we'll never do in our lifetimes.
Things I will never do:
1....
Friday, January 27, 2012
What on earth is she learning in school?
I'm listening to a lecture by Lawrence Krauss, and Emmie has half an ear tuned in.
"Mama? Was Einstein real?"
"Yes, Einstein was a real theoretical physicist who did a lot of work that gave good knowledge to the world."
"... but den he turned...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Rapper's delight... not so delightful
As I approached a group of acquaintances recently, I heard one say, "...beaten up and thrown in jail!"
I bounced up: "We can go toe-to-toe in the middle of a cell...!"
They turned and looked at me as if I had eight tentacles, all enthusiastically...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Appalachian Emergency Room, Part II
Occasionally I post a story about my sister's part-time gig at a natural foods store in North Georgia. This is another installment.
A woman in her 60s (we'll call her Nana) came into the store and asked for aloe vera. The store carries a number of...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Definitely related to me
Emmie and I are taking advantage of a gift card we had to Yumo, a sushi restaurant out in Evans. We are in high spirits, and she is cracking joke after joke.
"You are really on a roll, Emmie," I giggled.
"You mean a shushi roll?"
And then she laughed...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Separate and not equal
I had some free rental codes to Redbox this weekend. I let Emerson pick a movie on Friday, and I picked one on Sunday. Apparently, my choice was not to her liking.
"But...! I wanted to pick da movie!"
"It's mommy's turn, sweetie."
Then she proceeded...
Friday, January 13, 2012
Teach math skills early
Emerson is mad because I put her to bed early.
"But I'm lonely."
"Yes, Emerson, a punishment is supposed to make you uncomfortable."
"Wull, dat's done. Can we stop now?"
"No. Go back to bed."
"But... why would you wanna mate me umcumpftorbul?"
"Because...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Honesty suits her
I sent Emerson to bed early because the child cannot keep up with a single article of clothing unless it is stapled to her body. After having left her jacket and bookbag god-only-knows-where for the I-long-ago-lost-count-th time, I'd had enough.
But...
Monday, January 09, 2012
All Emerson wanted for Christmas was...
Emerson got almost everything she wanted for Christmas, except the iPad she desired so greatly. She'll have to make do with my iPod Touch until such time as pigs fly.
Conveniently for Learning Express Toys, however, Emerson's birthday is coming up...
Friday, January 06, 2012
Meeting madness
Me: So I spent all day yeterday thinking that I had missed an important meeting. I was trying to figure out what to do about it. Then, this morning, my boss asked me about it. I said I had nothing to update. Neutral, right? Turns out the meeting was...
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Monday, January 02, 2012
Loser choices for New Year's Eve
Me: I don't know what I'm going to do NYE. I'll be in Atlanta, I think.
Alice: Go to the Clermont Lounge. I'm sure it'll be kicking.
Me: That is the kind of thing one does with a group of drunks at 3 a.m. It's not fun before then. It's just sad.
Alice:...
