Momnesia

Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Child

AUGUSTA, GA. - I don't know how my mother made it to my 18th birthday, that year when parents are supposed to be able to "let go," like magic, and break the cycle of worry that plagues us. I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to make it to Emmie's 8TH birthday!

"Emmie! Please don't cut Granny's arm off. Put down the jigsaw right now."

"Emmie! That's enough with the maniacal laughter, okay? You are freaking everyone out."

"No, you are NOT a zombie, and you are NOT going to eat my brains. Now you are going to give mommy nightmares if you don't cut it out."

"Yeah-huh, girls can TOO be pirates and fight with swords!"

"No, nothing is wrong with granddad. Carolina just scored a touch-down... It's when the football crosses that line right there... I don't know why... They're yelling because they like Georgia better... No, you CANNOT say that word!"

"No, we are not going to buy a bulldog. Say 'dog' not 'dawg.' Dog. Dog. Do - oh, forget it. I'm raising you in Georgia."

"No, we're not going to buy a big red chicken... Don't call it that... Just don't say that word... Because it's crude... I... Uh... Crude is a word that's like rude but also dirty. Dad, I don't CARE if it's the name of the mascot!"

"Emmie. The football players can't hear you. Don't yell at the television... I... Okay, you're right. I did. Yell all you want."

"No, Emmie, don't put the corn dog stick up your nose, for crying out loud!"

"Yes. I AM glad you didn't say banana again."