Momnesia

How Much Navel Gazing is Healthy, Helpful?

AUGUSTA, GA - Does anyone ever wonder how well you know yourself? I've been thinking about that lately. Seems that two or three people believe things about me that are patently false.

It's difficult enough to be accused of actions that I did not perpetrate. It's quite another to have my moral foundations questioned on top of it. And it's even more difficult when some of the people who believe these things are individuals who I like and respect.

I think, in any rational person who strives to make good decisions and do good works, that these situations dredge up at least a modicum of self-doubt. I've spent a lot of time arguing with myself, and trying to reason back through my past decisions and behaviors.

And I have to recognize that I can be impetuous. I wonder if that gives me enough time to think through things - not just my desired outcome, but also my own motivations.

(Sigh)

I have a dual quandary.

On the one hand, I think I'm right to categorically deny that I am a bad person, who does bad things to people. And I think when people are rude, threatening, or spread public slander that it's okay to fight back in a reasonable manner - through a measured response.

On the other hand, if there is a bad situation, and it is partially or wholly my fault, I need to take responsibility for it.

But it's harder for me to take responsibility for accidentally causing someone pain when that person is responsible for deliberately causing a number of people a great deal of pain, both before my accidental offense and after.

I have apologized for any inadvertent distress. Yet that has only made things worse. So what to do?


I have no problem with "living with the consequences" of my actions - whether I have been accidental or deliberate in my actions.

But I won't apologize for things in which I have no responsibility. And, when the consequences of taking responsibility for a mere moment of poor judgment are compounded by (and here's the rub, because I'm about to levy the same accusations at a person that they have lobbed at me) the desire of a person to seek an unequal punishment due to their own evil intent, it certainly makes it more difficult for me to advocate honesty and responsibility.

I liken it to a doctor afraid to sympathize with a patient for a death in the family, because he or she fears a malpractice lawsuit. Not that I'm as important or as educated as a physician. But I hope the analogy works.

So what to do when a person who is misdirecting his or her anger aims it at me? How hard do I push back? How often do I turn the other cheek?

On top of that, how much of my own motivations can I analyze? And should I analyze them based on intent, or outcome? How possible is it that people in general - or me in particular - can believe that we/I have one set of intentions, and actually have another unrecognized set of motivations?

And, with recognition that no one is universally adored, how much of the opinions of people who simply do not like me can I take to heart? Especially when their opinions of me are so different than what I think know about myself?

For now, I will continue to strive to be a good person, to make good decisions, and to do good works. I will do my best not to make retaliatory decisions. But I will not apologize for things I didn't do. And I will not allow someone to attempt to harm me or my family - or my ability to care for my family - to get away with those attempts without taking reasonable, legal, action in return.

But in the meantime, I hope I can set aside my simmering anger - and I do feel a lot of it - and use the situation as an education. If anyone has a lesson plan for me, I'm certainly open to it.

Love y'all!

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile