Momnesia

Dictionary of Motherhood

Published in Augusta Parent today:

The first time I forgot my husband’s name was funny. The second time was annoying. After the third time, he became “honey” or “sweetheart.” That’s because I can never remember his name, even though he’s a semi-famous reporter for a local radio station and is, of course, the father of our adorable 2-year-old daughter. We sleep in the same bed, eat at the same table and walk the same ridiculously demanding dog, but there are times when I look at him and draw a huge blank. Who is this man and why is he eating my meatloaf?

Truthfully, I can’t remember my own name most days. At first I blamed new-baby exhaustion, but after Emerson began sleeping through the night, I fell back on the old standby: I blame my own mother. Mom, frazzled beyond reason by a tri-pack of children who regarded discipline as a running joke, often ran through a list of names before settling on the correct name for the misbehaving child in front of her. “Kelli! I mean, J.D.! I mean, Pepper! #$@R%*@#, Stacey, you stop that right now!”

We were probably all doing something sneaky anyway. We just never understood how she knew. But now I know. She was momniscient.

It was a term I had not heard. But there are a number of things we learn as moms. As an apology for the damage done to our netheregions, the universe grants us a number of new abilities that are just short of superpowers along with a few random phemomena. Like sidekick Robin to superhero Batman. Quick! To the momnibus.

Dot-Mom - The websites that we deem age and subject-appropriate for our children. "What's the deal with Webkinz?" "I don't know what the appeal is, but it's definitely a dot.mom."

Mombrophobia - 1) The excessive fear that a wet child will catch a cold; 2) intolerance for prolonged wetness, resulting in the strident drying and/or toweling down of all surfaces that come into contact with moisture. "Makaylah! Don't forget your raincoat! And your galoshes! And your rain hat! And... here! An umbrella!"

Momen - 1) [mah-men] That what you say when you're thankful that we gave you life and have not yet chosen to take it away. "Dear Mother, thank you for my life. Momen."; 2) [mow-men] The foreboding sense that a child is in danger - or in danger of a tantrum. "Wow, you got us out of that store just in time! How did you know she'd have a melt-down soon?" "I saw a momen."

Mominous - The jolt of fear every child has at being found out for misbehaving. "Oh, man, I can't go home right now." "Why not?" "I've got a mominous feeling that I'm about to get grounded."

Momnesia - The Swiss-cheese brain syndrome that will let you lose your keys, forget a change of clothes for the diaper bag and neglect to take a shower for three days but that always keeps you on time for children's meals, baths and nap times. "How could you leave the bank card in the ATM?" "Sorry. I have momnesia."

Momnibus - 1) the vehicle that transports a mother's growing brood to their many events, classes, parties and playdates. "How are we all going to get to soccer practice?" "To the momnibus!"; 2) the mental book that retains copies of all wrongdoings, report cards, and disciplinary actions every experienced by any child to whom a mother is related. "$1,200 in cell phone calls?! I told you when you were (checking mental momnibus) five years old not to blow your allowance on candy. Now look!"

Momnipotence - The state of powerful being that trumps all whining. The words "Because I said so" spring from this power. "But how come you get to decide?" "Because I am momnipotent."

Momniscience - That's how come we can yell "Get down from there!" from the kitchen without even looking when you're climbing from the yellow plastic chair to the changing table to the dresser to retrieve the balloon that we put in time-put. "How did you know I was sneaking out of the house?" "My momniscience."

Momomastics - the tendency of a mother to cycle through all of her children's names - and sometimes the names of any household pets - before coming to the name of the child misbehaving. "Jeffrey! Chloe! Mr. Piddles! I mean, Dakota, you get over here right this minute

Momomatopoeia - the tendency of a mother to repeat herself; the ability to express mood, thought or desired action in primordial sound, as opposed to fully formed speech. "Eh!" "Alright, I won't eat the frosting before you finish the cake!"

Momphaloskepsis -A woman who contemplates too much the dangers of becoming her mother; sometimes as part of a mystical exercise as an aid to parenting.

Phemomenon - The change that overcomes a woman once she has a baby. May include cooing and small furry things and collecting porcelain figurines. "You sure have changed, honey. I didn't ever think you'd be making mud pies without worrying about your manicure." "It's a strange phemomenon."