Momnesia

Me: "If you were a sad Italian clown, what would you eat?"
A.C.: "What?"

I'm trying to think of a way to connect our Bite This feature with the Augusta Opera's upcoming production of Pagliacci. So I need food items themed along the lines of the tragic story of a love-sick clown.

We ponder it, tossing out ideas like popcorn and Circus Peanuts. But I doubt there are actual restaurant dishes that incorporate those ingredients.

Me: "Ice cream?"
A.C.: "Gelato... but I don't know what flavor."
A.W.: "Sad clowns don't believe in flavor."
Me: "J.C., if you were a sad Italian clown, what would you eat?"
J.C.: "Hmm... you could go to Rolypoly-acci."

Har.

AUGUSTA, GA. - So we ordered from Mellow Mushroom last week. It was a disaster. $75 worth of food, $30 worth of WRONG ORDERS. I returned to get the right items a second time.

Every Monday, somehow, I'm in charge of ordering dinner. T.G. just assigned it to me one day, probably because he looked at my butt and thought, "Oh, yeah. She knows where to find food." That's fine. I'll admit it's one of my few skills. I'm fab with the hunting and gathering. Ugh. Me kill pizza, drag back to office.

Anyway, every week, there's big drama with the dinner order. Forever, we had three choices: Papa Johns, Chick-fil-A or the Hot Dog Man. J.W. was a great salesman, but not so much with the creative cooking. Now we can pretty much order from anywhere, so long as we're reasonable. We're not ordering Takosushi for the whole office, for example. But every week there is a chorus of negations before we even order. It's hell to keep up with, kind of like those logic puzzles from middle school.

Posit: IF:
1. There are two vegetarians in the office.
2. One person does not like Mexican.
3. One person likes Mexican, but only fish tacos, and that always makes me laugh.
4. One person will not eat Boll Weevil because this person worked there for 12 years.
5. One person never wants Chinese food.
6. One person always wants Chinese food.
7. One person thinks Roly Poly, while they deliver and have FIFTY-TWO sandwich choices, does not bring enough food.
8. No one wants a certain downtown bar and grill.
9. One person is a smartass and vetoed Island Seafood on Lumpkin Road.
10. One person, ME, doesn't give a shit let's just order already.
11. Pizza Joint won't take the company card over the phone.
12. Many restaurants are closed on Monday nights.
13. No one minds Firehouse Subs, but they are boring.
Q: Who will be eating leftovers from the freezer this week?
A: Everyone and I don't care.

So we're back to Mellow Mushroom, which EVERYONE vetoed because they NEVER get the order right (like last week), or there is big drama in getting them to take the correct order in the first place (like this lovely episode). With a sigh and severe reservations, I picked up the phone and dialed.

Voice on Phone: "Mellow Mushroom. This is Caitlin. How may I help you?"
Me: "Hi, this is Stacey Hudson from the Metro Spirit. May we place a dinner order?"
Caitlin: "Sure. Can I get a name?"
Me: (sigh) "Yeah. Stacey. Hudson. from the Metro. Spirit."
A.W.: "And so it begins..."

So apparently this turkey thing is getting to be a bigger problem than I realized. According to the Boston Herald, they've begun taking over the sidewalks in Cambridge and Brookline.

I read this story and laughed: "A.C., listen: July 20. Caller reports 18 turkeys in her backyard."
A.C. laughs: "One of them is wearing blue face paint and appears to be addressing the troops!"

A.C.: "So you guys get this: Apparently near my mom's house, there is this crazy turkey. She said she was pulling up in her car and saw this turkey running across a field. She watched it for a while and it kept running and then she realized, 'Oh, my god, I think that turkey is running right for my car!' And it was."

Apparently the turkey is very territorial and has been known to attack things - even inanimate things like cars - as they go by.

A.C.: "I was like, are you sure maybe somebody doesn't need to shoot it? Maybe it has rabies?"

That is how I want to go out in life! If I could choose some horrible death for myself, I would want to be mauled by a rabid turkey. Because there can be no better way to make sure that the people who know me keep laughing.

My obit: "Stacey McGowen-Hudson, 34, entered into rest on April 28, 2008, after an attack by a rabid turkey. Memorial services will be held at Blanchard Amphitheater on the Augusta State University campus. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Laughter Heals Foundation, whose goal is to promote the potent therapeutic value on humor and laughter in the healing process."

Stacey, Sorry it took me a little longer to get this back to you than I expected, this past week got a bit crazier than I expected. This was a really strange album, and it was kind of hard to review, but also kind of fun. Let me know if you need anything else out of this. Thanks, B.H.

B.H. -

Are you seriously apologizing to me for not getting a HARMONICA ALBUM review back faster? I mean, yes, we've been under siege from rabid pan flute enthusiasts who seem to have never stopped mourning the passing of Zamfir, and have no other performer to turn to in their time of grief... but a nice set of earplugs has blocked out most of the girlish wailing from the men. The women's voices ululate at a frequency only dogs can hear.

I just took a bite of my cereal, and I think there's COCONUT in it. Who puts coconut in breakfast cereal? Frankly, this issue is more pressing that the timeliness of your review. I have a Jamaican consulate to notify of alleged acts of cereal terrorism.

Stacey


Cerealsy, check this guy out. He's looking at his solo diatonic harmonica like, "Come vis me to ze Cazbar, unt ve shall make beautiful music togezzer." It's a love story: A man. A harmonica. A missed note. A farewell glance. Then, a chance meeting years later. Can it be? It is! And they live together in perfect harmony all the rest of their days.

Ah, le amour. Veuillez m'excuser un moment mais passer cette fois avec vous m'a fait se rend compte combien de temps il a été depuis que j'ai eu un poo vraiment grand.

Poor suffer most in new economics of hunger

New economics, old economics, hey Washington Post, the poor ALWAYS suffer most... although inside the Beltway, I'm sure you only see them when you drive past public housing and try not to look.

I know that everyone won't agree with me, and that's okay. We're all allowed our opinions. And, generally speaking, I am conservative when it comes to government intervention. It makes me feel like someone else controls too much of my life, so I tend to vote against more state or federal controls, as opposed to against it.

But that's not the case with health care. I know it terrifies doctors and others who have learned how to work within the current system of insurance company collusion and come out ahead.

But the rest of us - those who make less than a doctor or a lawyer - are being priced out of health care. Heck, I HAVE insurance, and my company's policy is very generous (Thanks, Portico!) and I still keep my visits to the bare minimum.

Stories like this one remind me as to why I feel so passionately that health care is an exception to my rather nebulous and generalized libertarianism. I know one person I work with in particular won't agree. That's great with me, because I respect her and she's a smart and caring woman with well-reasoned opinions. Her arguments against my position only make me think more critically about the issue. That has a value worth more than any dollar amount.

But while I believe strongly that everyone is responsible for his or her own fate, and that government has no place in determining that (hello, public schools! I'm talking to you!), I also believe that it's our responsibility to other humans to strive for a level playing field.

If you look at two issues that separate lifelong criminals from law-abiding citizens (and if I'm remembering correctly), access to education and health care are the things that differ among the two populations. Educated, healthy people are less likely to commit crimes. Oh, don't say Enron to me. There are always exceptions to the rule.

I believe that health care is a basic human right - not just a need. It's something no one should ever have to struggle to get. And long gone are the days when a country doctor could support his or her family with the kind of elaborate bartering systems that used to develop. It's rare to be able to pay with chickens or potatoes or home repairs (or journalism?) anymore. There are rules, regulations and lawyers overseeing it all.

And private insurance is horribly bureaucratic and unreliable. According to The Commonwealth Fund, elderly Medicare beneficiaries are more likely than enrollees in employer-sponsored plans to rate their health insurance as excellent (32% vs. 20%) and less likely to report negative experiences with their insurance plans (43% vs. 61%). Medicare beneficiaries are also less likely than those with private insurance to go without needed care owing to costs (18% vs. 22%). The survey also finds that elderly Medicare beneficiaries are more likely to report being very satisfied with the care they received compared with those with private insurance (62% vs. 51%). (click here for more)

But it's not just about customer satisfaction. It's also about efficiency and cost-effectiveness. Doctors' salaries and prescription drug costs are less than 30 percent of total health care expenses in the country, according to

Something has to change. Maybe universal health care isn't the answer. I'd be happy to hear alternatives that knock out racial and ethnic disparities as well as government programs do.

Only an estimated 84.2% of citizens have some form of health insurance coverage. The number of uninsured increased from 44.8 million to 47.0 million from 2005 to 2006. One study estimates that about 25% of the country's uninsured, or roughly another 11 million people, are eligible for government health care programs but unenrolled. However, assuring adequate financing to cover those who are eligible remains a challenge.

Of course, the American Medical Association (AMA) believes that even if administrative expenditures were indisputably lower in a universal (aka "single-payer") system, that monetary benefit still would be offset by inefficiencies, longer wait times, restricted individual choice, reduced quality and decreased incentives for medical innovation. Those are valid concerns that should be taken into consideration. For the most part, I trust the judgment of the AMA.

But the bottom line for me - can you find it after all that rambling preachiness? - is that people die without insurance. Children, parents, brothers and sisters. Without a universal health care system, not only are we handicapping the needy children in our country from being able to get a fair shake in later life, but innocent people suffer and die. Their families are fully conscious of the disparity. It undermines their faith in the American Dream, and therefore in the nation. Over time, it could erode the country.

I just want to keep our priorities straight. I want to err on the side of life. I want to put more money into health care and education than we do into war. It sounds simple, but I know there are complicated issues and deep-seated fears that must be worked through. I hope that smarter people than me will find a solution soon.

AUGUSTA, GA. - I did a story on Sieglinde Boykin, a German immigrant who owns the Coffee Break Cafe in downtown Augusta. Yesterday I got an e-mail in German. I thought it was spam until I recognized a word: Sieglinde. Hmm, I thought, and did my best to translate the German in my head. I mean, plenty of cognates exist between language, I thought, that I can get the gist of it.

Here's what they wrote:
Hallo Sieglinde, Bin gerade bei Brigitte und habe übers Internet deine E-mail gefunden. Habe mich sehr über die Einladung von Christopher und Amber gefreut ,nehme die Einladung natürlich an. Du mußt mir unbedieng mailen an welchen Flughafen ich kommen muß. Ankunftflughafen wo ich dann abgeholt werden kann.Brauche genaue Daten. Ich habe vor 2 Tagen einen Brief geschrieben und komme alleine. Bitte maile zurück.Ich hoffe ihr könnt mich dann abholen wenn wir die genauen Daten kennen.Viele liebe Grüße Bene ,Renate,Brigitte Sepp und Kinder

Here's what I could understand:

Hello, Sieglinde.

Bin gerade bei Brigitte AND HAVE OVER INTERNET deine E-MAIL gefunden. HAVE mich sehr OVER THE Einladung von CHRISTOPHER AND AMBER gefreut, nehme THE Einladung naturlich an. YOU mußt mir unbedieng mailen an welchen Flughafen ich COME muß. Ankunftflughafen wo ich dann abgeholt werden kann.Brauche genaue Daten. I HAVE FOR TWO tagen einen Brief gescheriben AND COME SOON. PLEASE maile zurück. I hoffee irh könnt mich dann abholen wenn wir die genauen Daten kennen. WITH LOVE Grüße Bene ,Renate,Brigitte Sepp AND CHILDREN.

Well, that didn't work. I just called over to the cafe and offered to forward the e-mail to her.

AUGUSTA, GA. - A.W. is working on her crime story, laughing about the incident reports: "When are people going to learn that you never take a person back to your hotel room when you don't know their name?!"

M.F.: "One thing I've learned from watching 'COPS -"
(A.C. and I crack up laughing)
Me: "Because it's so educational?"
M.F.: "It is! Watch it for a few minutes and you'll realize there are many life lessons to learn. Rule number one is, if a hooker steals your money, don't call the cops to get it back."
(laughter)
M.F.: "Oh, and every time there's a fight-"
A.W.: "One of 'em isn't wearing a shirt?"
M.F.: "You know what kills me about COPS, is that no one ever says, 'Get that f-ing camera out of my face!'"

It's A.C.'s birthday!

Me: "Oh, that's right." How ignorant of me.
A.C.: "Shut up."
Me: "What did Jim give you?"
A.W.: "Yeah, was it something good, or was his leaving for Nashville your gift?"

World's Oldest Oil Paintings Found in Caves

Doesn't everybody know that? Isn't that where it kind of all began?

Thanks, Alice!

A.W.: Ooh, Kenny G is going to be at Chastain Amphitheater.
Me: Great! I need a nap!

I like sheep.

And my skin is very soft. And I'm not even getting paid to say that.

Whoopee is a blog I check almost every day. Really good writing from an interesting Englishwoman. She just kicked my ass for posting - kicked EVERYONE'S ass - with this post. I bow to her.

AUGUSTA, GA. - There comes an alarming time in every woman's life when you leave childish things behind and become a grown-up.

I have hit the snooze button on that particular alarm.

Let me give you an example. A.W. and I were driving across town to the drugstore, when we pulled up beside R.B. in her car, at a stoplight, with the window rolled down. We made faces, honked the horn, and generally made our mothers very proud - but because she is more mature than we are, R.B. never even looked over.

Unacceptable!

We started up Calhoun Expressway, when I had a brilliant idea: "Get Emerson's (clean) panties out of the back seat!"
"What?!"
"Chuck 'em in her window!"
A.W. frantically searched and located the Dora underwear, and we pulled up beside R.B., laughing our asses off.
"THROW THEM!" I shrieked.

She did.

They flew straight back.
I mean, they got NOWHERE near her window.
What's worse, R.B. didn't even notice it.

Obviously we should have paid attention in physics class. But it was much funnier our way. And then, when A.W. went to pick up sushi for dinner last night, what did she see on the side of Calhoun Expressway?

Yes. Emmie's underwear.
"Did you stop and get it?" I asked.
"No. But I thought about it."

She thought about it. I thought about going back to get them. But you know what else I thought about? I thought, maybe if one of us should have thought about Newton's First Law, we wouldn't be in this idiotic position.

And Emmie would have a clean pair of panties.

Nicole Kidman urges global fight to end violence

Well, they do say to fire with fire...

AUGUSTA, GA. - This is how they were towing cars downtown in advance of the Tour de Georgia coming through. Yikes!

Me: "Do you have any feedback for me on that story, besides the crappy ending?"
A.C.: "I didn't say it was a crappy ending."
Me: "It was a crappy ending... (silence) "You're playing Tetrus over there, aren't you?
A.W.: "She's playing Minesweeper."
A.C.: "I am not! I'm reading your story!"
Me: "Whatever. ... I guess I'll write another story since I ain't done that enough today."
"What? I have some stuff you can do!" T.G. interjects.
Me: "Uh, okay."
A.W.: "What were you going to write?"
Me: "A book review for this book I read," I held up "A Hollywood Ending." Hey, it was a free book that came directly to me in the mail. If it has words, I'll read it.
T.G.: "Oh.. okay..." he sounded nonplussed.
Me: "I mean, I'm sorry I only wrote 10 stories for you this week. I'll try not to slack off so much next week," I retort with dripping sarcasm.
A.W.: "You know T.G.'s not happy unless you're bleeding from the ears!"