Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Man Make Fire
On News Channel 12’s evening news tonight, they were covering the story of a fire that totaled a home: “Investigators say that the fire started in a wood-burning stove.”Isn’t that like saying the fire started in the fireplace? That’s what a wood-burning...
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Out of the Mouths of Jackasses
I was talking to my brother about some quasi-racist statement that he made. I knew that to contradict him would start an argument.Me: Well, I don't know that I necessarily agree with you on that.Bro (defiantly): I think there's more evidence for it...
Out of the mouths of babes
We took the sonogram video to my parents’ house on Dad’s birthday. Jacob, my seven-year-old nephew, was very excited, even though he really wanted her to be a boy.We watched the grainy, black-and-white footage of the baby, looking for all the world...
Friday, December 24, 2004
Dog is my co-pilot
Seen on the license plate of a Toyota Highlander registered in Columbia County: “GODZSUV”I’ve never had the urge to ram my car into the back of another one, but just then....
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Christmas with the Krankies
My husband's parents go to First Baptist Church. It’s not my favorite place to be. First of all, any church where the deacons get into fistfights is not my kind of place. Second of all, I detect a higher-than-average portion of people who attend for...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Hey, Jealousy...
<> My husband has always been fearless. While it hasn’t always served him well, I regret that I will never have stories that begin with “So, when I was 8, my grandfather decided it was time I learned how to drive,” and “Yeah, I think it was the...
Monday, December 20, 2004
Holly Jolly, by golly
Scott’s grandparents gave us a little Christmas angel salt-and-pepper shaker set. We don’t have any Christmas decorations because - well, because we’re not Christian. The shakers were cute in a Precious Moments kind of way - which is to say they made...
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Dog Dilemma
Barkley, is out of control. He chews. He poops. He pees. I dog-proofed the house, take him outside more frequently... nothing changes.Mainly, though, he barks at top volumne. We’ve tried telling him “No!” To which he replies “RrrrrUUUUUFF!” We’ve tried...
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Underdog
The dogs' favorite things to eat are: toilet paper, paper towels, and the cardboard holders for those. Tonight, we finished eating dinner and Barkley was trying to get to the paper towel on Scott's tray table. A mere two feet away, the paper towel was...
Friday, December 17, 2004
Not a Way To Get a Raise
Boss: I’ll be back shortly. They’re opening a new furniture store downtown, and I’m going to the ceremony.Me: Are you going to cut the ribbon?Boss: Uh, sure.Me: Don’t forget your tiar...
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Dunlap's disease
At last Wednesday's doctor visit, the OB detected an irregular heartbeat. Since Scott has a heart murmur, it was cause for concern. So I returned on Monday for three fun-filled hours of things shoved into my body (hey.. that's how I got this way!)....
Tai One On
We're planning a "serenity series" in the gardens, and my intern was calling around asking about yoga and tai chi instructors. She got a lady at an physical rehabilitation clinic who was rude and combative.Lady: "So, you're going to have the classes......
Fingers Too Frozen To Type
One of the visitor specialists at work neglected to turn on the heat before he left last night, so it's 48 degrees in the office. I've been working in a coat, scarf, and gloves all morning - and I can't feel my toes. I called him at 8:30 to wake him...
Sunday, December 12, 2004
I hate maternity clothes
Okay, I’ll admit it: I’ve never been cool. I can’t match clothes more complicated than Grrranimals. But why do maternity clothes “designers” get their inspiration from Volvo? I’m wearing this shirt - yes, the same one I bitched about earlier - and I...
Buyer's regret
I bought a maternity shirt that fits well, and is as flattering as a maternity shirt can be. Now think the shirt looks like something polyester that my grandmother might wear. Scott insists that he really likes it. So I'm keeping it, and getting used...
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I'm just really mean at heart
<>So, Scott and I watch "Jeapardy!" a lot, because we're nerds. In fact, we're old, married nerds, which is even worse. Competing was a chick from Warrenton, Ga., which is right down the road from us. This lady was devoid of personality, wit,...
Bad Mommy
So I bought the shock collar.I put it on Barkley and Scott and I waited. He RUFFED around the house for a few hours before I finally said, "Honey, I don't think it's working." Turns out the battery was in wrong. More waiting.Then, it was time to go...
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Munch
Scott: You're just too easy. Like that lady at Petsmart that day. I would have turned around and said, "Shut up!"
Me: Yeah, I couldn't believe that (mimicking lady in line, huffy and patronizing): "I can't believe you docked your dog's tail!" (returning...
Friday, December 03, 2004
Ch-ch-ch-changes
I fret constantly over the semi-permanence of the physical changes a pregnancy brings on. I didn’t know how vain I was until lately. I worry that I’ll never lose the 20 lbs I’ve gained, that Scott will no longer find me attractive, that the stretch...
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Potty Break
I am adrift in the land of Nod, clinging to that last hour of sleep like a drowning man to a lifeboat. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel the dogs begin to stir. They walk around on the bed, avoiding my husband (he’ll knock them off the bed),...
Monday, November 29, 2004
Thanksgiving
It’s my first married Thanksgiving and I am thankful for a lot: I am thankful for the generosity of my friends and family, who have filled our nursery with clothes enough for our daughter’s entire first year. I am thankful for the time I got to...
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Dinner party x 2
I was excited to have dinner with two professors’ families this weekend, becuase I tend to think of professors’ families in terms of Oscar Wilde. This is not true. Some are just boring academics with no personalities. But I forget. I was so bored at...
Vomitorious Circumstances
Sunday, I met with a potential bride at 2 p.m. I had been working at my computer at home, and I raced down there at about 1:45. The meeting went fine, but when I got back home, I was crazy thirsty. Diet Coke? No. Water? Boring. Milk? Blech. Ooh, wait......
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Joe is a racist
Joe tells some racist-ass jokes that he insists aren’t racist “because they’re funny.” What’s long and hard on a black man? Answer: The third grade.That’s a racist joke and it's not funny because it is a racist joke.It extremely difficult for me to...
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Men are really really stupid creatures
So I'm stuck at the front desk again, helping customers, because there is no Visitor Specialist scheduled on Mondays, and the other two employees are just too damn important (in their own minds) to lend a hand in helping either answer phones or deal...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Delusions
I am 7 months pregnant, and I am becoming more dependent upon Scott. It’s not entirely fair to him, but there are things I’m slowly less able to do for myself, like, bend over. It’s becoming humorously difficult. And since I work all day, he cooks dinner...
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
It's official. I'm huge.
The doctor listened to the baby’s heartbeat today.“Is she moving around?” she asked.“All the time. She almost knocked me off the couch last night.”(she laughs) “That’s good. She was very active the last time you were here.” (listening) The baby’s heartbeat...
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Why I Don't Buy Intelligent Design
During the 10-11 hour on Sunday, a WJBF NewsChannel 6 commercial came on. A helicopter hovered low over a grassy field. A woman's voice announces over the video:"A body is found in Columbia County, and police are calling it a death investigation. News...
Friday, November 05, 2004
No Such Thing as "a Little Pregnant"
So I’m 7 months pregnant with about 11 weeks to go. As of a couple of weeks ago, I’d only gained 18.5 pounds. That’s pretty good, considering the “normal range” of weight gain in pregnancy at the end is:Baby: 7 1/2 - 8 1/2Placenta: 1 - 3Amniotic Fluid:...
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Romanticizing the Renaissance
Scott asked me to write him a paper for his medieval studies class about the South Carolina Renaissance Festival. Foolish Man. Romanticizing the RenaissanceThe term Renaissance usually refers to a period in European history between...
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Helloween
We’re having a Halloween party, and costumes are preferred. I hear Scott on the telephone: “My wife and I are both dressing up.”I look at him incredulously.“Oh, really? What am I going to be, honey? A beach ball?”Later, as I’m lounging half naked on...
Monday, October 25, 2004
(blushing)
I hear Alicia walk in the house. The last time she wandered in I was taking a nap, naked, in the bedroom.“Are you home? Are you naked?” she calls.“No, I’m not naked!” I reply from my computer chair.“Damn!” she says. I laugh.“I’m very pregnant. You don’t...
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
It's a Dog Bark Life For Us...!
I think everyone should have a theme song. It makes life more enjoyable. You can be tromping along, having a bad day, hating life and all the people in it. But if you write a really excellent theme song for yourself, and you remember to sing it at your...
Appetite for Consumption
I was reading the "Expectant Fathers" book I gave to Scott for his birthday. Men think facts, figures, and stats are crucial, so it's chock-full of how bigs, how longs, what volumes, and how much time kinds of information. Anyway, the book told me that,...
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Band Aid
Scott is all excited about his new band. They've written a few songs, and are practicing. I haven't heard them all play together, but I've heard one of their new songs with just Scott and Riley, and it's pretty. He came up with a name for the band and...
Thursday, September 30, 2004
The House Mouse
There’s a mouse in our houseAnd I don’t mean to grouseBut he munches the dog food for Scrabble.He scratches and stealsAll the poor doggie’s mealsAnd runs off to feed all the rabble.The mouse in our houseWell, he’s cute when he’s rousedAnd he skittles...
Monday, September 27, 2004
Trapped
So, we got this new cafe table/chair set to go in the kitchen, because the washer/dryer take up too much space for the big wooden bench and table. I’m sitting in one of the chairs, doing the crossword, when Scrabble bolts out the back door. I start...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Showing my ass
I’m getting ready to go to work, running around quasi late. The dog, seeing me putting on my shoes and grabbing my purse and keys, endeavors to stop me from leaving. Daddy’s asleep, so he knows it will be hours before anyone plays with him. I step over...
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Shit
I’m sitting at the computer, replying to emails, when Scrabble waddles up to me, propelled by his rapidly wagging tail. He’s carrying something in his mouth he’s very excited about. I’m sure it’s yet another random piece of plastic he’s found on the...
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Now We're Married. 'Bout Time
Patsy and Jim DID NOT send in our marriage license. Instead, they marched themselves down to the Augusta-Richmond County Courthouse and hand delivered it - but not before they demanded that the probate officer change (in the computer records; the document...
Friday, September 10, 2004
Politics. Yay. Fun.
<>Joe: I still think the war was the right thing to do.Me: I don’t think you should use the words “war” and “right” in the same sentence.Joe: No, seriously, we have to take these guys out. We had to go to war. But I still love you guys, no matter...
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Despite the wedding, we're still not married
Patsy and Jim have not yet mailed our marriage license (which means that we are not yet legally married). They did, however, OPEN THE ENVELOPE, read the contents,and decide not to send it, based on the grounds that Scott gave the wrong city of birth...
Monday, August 30, 2004
Granny's purse
I was having a hard day - “hormone intoxication,” I suppose, since nothing was really wrong - and I had to go to the mall. I don’t like the mall, but I had to go pick up wedding-related crap. It was raining like hell and when I got back to the front,...
Monday, August 23, 2004
Reluctant Grown-up
Scott: I just can’t believe all of the stuff you have for the nursery!Me: Yeah?Scott: Yeah! It’s like you’ve been just waiting to have a kid.Me (confused): What stuff are you talking about?Scott: You know, the Pez, the Powerpuff Girls stuff, the action...
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Wedding, schmedding
They say that even the most unusual woman becomes a traditionalist where her wedding is involved. I am not so unusual, and I’d have been perfectly happy to go along and live my life with Scott without a huge wedding. Without even a small wedding. WITHOUT...
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Jesus Christ
I’m in the nursery on the phone with Penny. Scrabble has followed me in, and all of the toys, etc., for the nursery are in boxes and piles. I hear a rustling sound and turn to see Scrabble’s teeth firmly embedded in Buttercup’s head. Thank God it’s...
Chi Toy
Scrabble will chew anything. He chews socks, shoes, books, LOVES the telephone book, and has taken to chewing my hand when I let him. I try to distract him, but he also likes chewing my hair for example, when I do yoga. While I’m doing something that...
Sunday, August 08, 2004
The Reason He's Homeless
As I walk in the 15th Street Kroger, a highly aromatic older gentleman trots towards me.“‘Scuse me, ma’am. You got a dollar? Ma’am?”He’s clearly going to buy beer - no, seriously, you had to smell him - and, anyway, I don’t have a dollar. I go thruogh...
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
I need the ATF at the ATM
I hate going to the ATM at night, alone. But I owed Natalya $182 for my wedding dress, she needed it by tomorrow morning, and I had to take it to her. I got stuck on the phone with Scott’s mom for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, so it was 11:30 before I could...
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Puppy power!
Whatever possessed us to get a dog in the midst of an already chaotic time? Could it have been... Satan?The good news: little Scrabble is almost completely housebroken after just two very tiring days. The bad news: I said “almost.” I didn’t think anything...
Monday, July 26, 2004
Movie recommendation
Natalya and I went to go see “King Arthur” last night. I was looking forward to a telling of the King Arthur legend that had better special effects and acting than “Excalibur,” and wasn’t a child’s fairy tale. I guess I was looking for something “Braveheart”-ish,...
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Arrangements
We’re going to have a huge garage sale because it’s amazing how many of the same books we have. Of course we have duplicates of textbooks. But, between the two of us, we have four copies of the Baghavad Gita. That’s just silly.Me: So this trunk is just...
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Eeyore's Wedding
I won’t bore anyone with the many details, but let me put it this way: Today, the day after the wedding, the gardens looked like a hurricane had blown through. The alarm was off, two of the gates were left unlocked, and the lights were all on inside...
Optimism
Scott: I just can’t wait to meet our child!Me (laughing): I can.Scott: Why?!Me: ‘Cause I’m not ready to have it yet. I’m happy to wait the six more months.Scott: But, still. I can’t wait to meet him. Or her.He’ll see. We joke that we’re having a demon...
Friday, July 16, 2004
The Inmate is Running The Asylum
I watched the movie “Big Fish” last night - or, rather, I tried to watch it. But the movie takes place during the fight by the father, played by Albert Finney, to live his life even though he has incurable cancer. There was a scene where he was comforting...
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Sleepy
I spent my day off like a sloth; a slug; jello.3 a.m. - go to sleep after fiancee gets home from work.4 a.m. - move to couch because sleep impossible with snoring, teeth-grinding, head-elbowing fiancee.10 a.m. - move back to bed. Chirping birds must...
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Hurled
People keep getting in my way at work. I’ve offered to run seminars at work called things like: “Walking: It’s Harder Than it Looks”; and “You, Too, Can Run Food!” To make things worse, Big Richard keeps accidentally slamming into me. In his defense,...
Friday, July 09, 2004
(groan)
We close at 7, but I’ve agreed to stay until 8:30 for a bride's father and their photographer. They’re late. I suspect they won’t show – typical – and I begin closing procedures. As I’m putting up a golf cart, I see him: Eeyore. He’s sitting in his...
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Sleepwalking
zzzz.... zzzzz.... zzzz....I am blissfully asleep after yet another grueling 16-hour work day. I’ve had some insomnia since I got pregnant, and while I’m trying not to complain, I am pretty tired. But not today. I’ve slipped into the sleep of wonderland....
Monday, July 05, 2004
Nice Friend
From AB:Re the Pregnancy Update, I think it is perfectly reasonable to blame the wierdness on being pregnant. I mean, hormones are taking over your body. It is basically like PMSing for 9 months. And were I currently in a state of PMS, I would completely...
Friday, July 02, 2004
Smile For the Camera
I had my first sonogram yesterday.It was a surreal experience. I know that I was supposed to feel something spectacular: entry into an international sisterhood of mothers; a great connection with the universe; participation in a ritual that has continued...
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Staple My Uterus
I’m reading all these baby books that want to normalize the process of having a baby by demystifying it. The one I have now, The Mother of All Baby Books, says things like: “Hey, if your uterus falls out, don’t panic. Just pick it up and call your doctor...
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Hysteria, When You're Near
I seem to recall reading somewhere that the word “hysteria” comes from a term used by doctors in ancient Greeze. Doctors thought that women experienced emotional imbalance when the uterus traveled around inside the body.This makes some sense to a pregnant...
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Milking It
I’m already using the pregnancy to my advantage. Driving to Atlanta, Scott turned on the radio. He likes his music very loud.No, you don’t understand how LOUD it is: I have (not very serious, but measurable) permanent hearing loss from childhood ear...
Friday, June 25, 2004
My Body is a Wonderland
There should be some reprieve between finding out that you’re pregnant, and experiencing the effects of pregnancy (of course, I am eight weeks along). But I guess my body going insane was the first indicator, anyway. My boobs are huge. I’m renaming...
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Perspective
Everything seems so overwhelming. Yesterday, someone at work asked me how I felt. I said, “I feel pregnant. I want to beat everyone up and take all their food!”Big laugh from the other mommie...
Friday, June 18, 2004
For Them to Poop On
Of course, my parents had to shit all over it. They lectured us for two hours about how disappointed they were in me, how they thought I was smarter than this.Scott is trying to handle it with his usual aplomb. I suppose he’s simply more of a grown-up...
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Oops, We're Pregnant!
I tell Penny first, then we call his parents. They are ecstatic, and they tell us that they have an entire nursery’s furniture stored in their attic. I call to move the wedding date, and am offered free use of the botanical gardens! All of Scott’s friends’...
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Wedding is another word for "crazy"
My mother has already sent me an email of directives. So I sent her this email:We’ve decided on a theme for the wedding: Spingtime picnic. We’ve going to cover the tables with Astroturf and plastic flowers and bugs. The chairs will be covered with red...
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Bad Mojo
Why is it that four different people have asked me if I plan to go on the South Beach Diet now that I'm engaged? And someone scoffed at my engagement ring the other day: "If my fiancee gave me a teeny tiny plain old ring like that, I would not marry...
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Too much time on their hands
Why do people turn their noses up at my ignorance of wedding planning and, well, complete lack of giving a shit about the things I suppose I should give a shit about? Like, no way I'm paying $200 for a cake."That's cheap!" said Stephanie. "Geez, are...
Thursday, June 10, 2004
What decade is this?
My manager grabbed my ass last night. Could've killed her. I've worked on the "Don't Grab Stacey's Ass" ad campaign for a year, now, but apparently I'm not reaching my target audienc...
Fun so far
I like this being engaged thing. I get lots of hugs. I'm so happy I'm drooling on myself.Unfortunately, now there's a huge party to plan. Can't we just make a fucking big pot of spaghetti? I was trying to figure out what kind of wedding dealio to expect,...
