Momnesia

Staple My Uterus

I’m reading all these baby books that want to normalize the process of having a baby by demystifying it. The one I have now, The Mother of All Baby Books, says things like: “Hey, if your uterus falls out, don’t panic. Just pick it up and call your doctor in the morning;” and “Hey, we’ve all crapped in our pants, and after your episiotomy, you may find this happens pretty frequently. Don’t let it bother you!”

I’m freaking out. I like my uterus where it is, thank you. And bowel control is very important to me. If I get my hands on this Eve woman, I’m taking her out. I have to admit that it’s entertaining to watch myself get all weird. I hate my husband-to-be today, but tomorrow I won’t. I really really really want to eat chocolate-coated cheddar cheese, but I can’t seem to find any (how odd. There should be a market for this). I freaked out in Wal-Mart because I didn’t know what to buy for the baby. Do they make baby ski masks to keep their little faces warm? I don’t know these things.