Momnesia

What Might Be a Zombie Outbreak?

AUGUSTA, GA. - Conversations like this is how you know you have a problem:

Me: "Oh, guess what? Scott went to Borders last night to get a book and a movie with his gift card."
A.C.: "What'd he get?"
Me: "I couldn't believe it! He brought home 'Dawn of the Dead!'"
A.C.: "Oh, how sweet!"

She wasn't joking. She knew how delighted I'd be. Zombie films are awesome. I don't know why. They scare the shit out of me, but I love them. So when Scott came home and said, "We'll watch this after the baby goes to sleep," I thought, "Hmm. I wonder if she's too young for Nytol?" Yes! I know she is! I'm kidding!

Anyway, he popped it in the DVD player and I curled up on the couch and watched it through the blanket I used to cover my face. It was so scary! But one day I'd love to watch a zombie movie in 3D. BADASS!

The problem is that I spend a lot of my spare time worrying about zombie infestations. I don't go in the basement of our offices at The Metro Spirit because I'm convinced that's where the uprising will begin. It's the creepiest place ever. So, either zombies or 700 Broad Street sits on top of a "Hellmouth", a gateway to demon realms.

Either way, Augustans should keep a wary eye out for government cover-up of zombie activity. It's important that we stay alert.

How can you tell from the news if a zombie outbreak has happened near you?

1. Homicides in which victims were executed by head shots or decapitation. It has happened many times: People recognize an outbreak and try and take matters into their own hands. Almost always, these people are declared murderers by local authorities and prosecuted.
   
2. Missing persons, particularly in wilderness or uninhabited areas. Pay careful attention if one or more of the search members end up missing. If the story is televised or photographed, watch to see what level of armament the search parties carry. Any more than one rifle per group could mean this is more than just a simple rescue operation.
3. Cases of "violent insanity" in which the subject attacked friends or family without use of weapons. Find out if the attacker bit or tried to bite his victims. If so, are any of the victims still in the hospital? Try to discover if any of these victims mysteriously died within days of their bite.
4. Riots or other civil disturbances that began without provocation or other logical cause. Common sense will dictate that violence on any group level does not simply occur without a catalyst such as racial tension, political actions of legal decisions. Even so-called "mass hysteria" can always be traced to a root source. If none can be found, the answer may lie elsewhere.
5. Disease-based deaths in which the cause is undetermined or seems highly suspect. Deaths from infectious disease are rare in the industrial world, compared to a century ago. For this reason, new outbreaks always make the news. Look for those cases in which the actual nature of disease is unexplained. Also be on alert for suspicious explanations such a West Nile virus or "mad-cow" disease. Either could be examples of a cover-up.
6. Any of the above in which media coverage was forbidden. A total press blackout is rare in the United States. The occurrence of one should be regarded as an immediate red flag. Of course, there may be many reasons other than an attack of the living dead. Then again, any event causing a government as media-conscious as our own to clamp down merits close attention. The truth, no matter what it is, cannot be good.

Taken from The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks (Page 26)