Momnesia

Gift horses and party invitations

I was kind of irritated that a photo of a snake was maybe my most popular blog/social media post ever - more than 100 comments. Because if you gift me with a horse, I'ma be all up in its mouth.

And just after threatening to start blogging about animals and rainbows instead of my goofy life, wouldn't you know it, I get a phone call from a company (see who below) inviting me to come to an opening as a member of the media.

"Oh, I'm not with that newspaper anymore," I said. "But I can give you the correct contact name."

"No, I had you down as the author of the blog Momnesia," she said.

Annnnd, you WANT me to write about your event? Have you even read my blog? Because, I will show up to your lovely event and one of four things will happen:

1. My weirdo magnet will kick in and draw directly to me the one person in the room you LEAST wish me to write about
2. I will somehow injure myself
3. I will somehow injure another person
4. There may be accidental nudity

Trust me, ma'am, as flattered as I am that you invited me because you think someone might be influenced by what I say, inviting me to any event is the best way to make sure the police show up. I live pretty quietly, and I still get neighbors attacking me with machetes, pit bulls snacking on my child's face, exploding stroganoff of certain death, and the most recent entry into the "Who is This God Person, and Why is He Messing With Me?" game that is my life, the 20-foot cobra that invaded my home last week.*  **

So, thank you, for the invitation, but it's safest for all involved if I decline. Also, it's during the work day, so I can't leave my job for a party.

But, if any of my two readers (hi, mom and dad) is looking for a new dish, Applebee's is unveiling a revamped menu soon. I'd tell you about it, but I didn't get to try anything. And aren't you glad for that? Because, in case you haven't heard, there's a giant asteroid passing within 200,000 miles of the earth. If I were you, I'd go to Applebee's because I'm not there right now.

And that means you'll be safe.



* According to experts, it wasn't a cobra

** But I think they're lying.

***No one was harmed in the making of this blog post. For once.

**** This is not a paid entry.

***** However, if Applebee's wanted to slip me a Benjamin or two, I would not complain.

****** Actually, I would. There's that gift horse thing again.