Momnesia

Exploding Kitchen Terrorist Attack

<>I try to have dinner ready when Scott gets home from his 6 p.m. class. Today, I was making stroganoff, which I love, even if it is a box mix on sale for $2.99. I put the Pyrex baking dish in the oven to cook, and took it out and laid it on the stovetop about 20 minutes before he was to get home. I went into the living room to watch Wheel of Fortune and I could not believe you did not see Winston-Salem, North Carolina in that puzzle what are you morons?! when a loud crash and the sound of glass shattering sent the dogs into a frenzy and almost sent me into labor.

Thinking someone was breaking in the apartment, I grabbed the closest weapon-like object - the iron - and leapt into the kitchen with a mighty “YAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” - and promptly fell over with glass sticking out of my bare feet. No one was breaking in. The stroganoff had exploded.

Glass shards and creamy, beefy noodles were strewn all over the room. The stove, the floor, the ceiling - hell, across the room behind the door and inside the dog kennel. The dogs had a field day licking up the food from the floor. Barkley even merrily crunched some glass in his mouth like it was ice cubes, or something, before I got myself together and pulled it out of his mouth.

I was lucky to be out of the room when it happened. I would have been studded with painful shrapnel. So I picked the glass out of my feet as best I could, corralled the dogs before they hurt themselves, and cleaned the vomitous-looking mess. When Scott got home, I was still shell-shocked, so he sent me out for fast food.

But before I hauled my pregnant ass off the floor to clean up the destruction, I sat for what must have been five minutes, looking around the room in amazement while the dogs frolicked, my feet bled, and I tried to make sense of the scene. I could come up with no explanation but one: al-Qaeda.

Long has the Department of Homeland Security warned about infiltration and contamination of our food and water supplies. This, I think, is just the beginning. We must protect the integrity of our freeze-dried, sodium-infused, cardboard-flavored food imitation box mixes. Or woe be unto us all. Woe be unto us all, my friends.