Momnesia

It's Not Wrong or Right, Black or White: Raising Kids is an Art Form, Not a Science

AUGUSTA, GA. - We were so bad. During the move, we let Emmie fall asleep in our bed. The two of us would snuggle, and read books, and tell silly stories, and drift off to sleep. When Scott came to bed, he had move Em to her room before he could lie down.

Now she has no intention of going back to her bed without a four-year-old-sized fight. She is a woman of many battle skillz.


Stalling - "Mama? Could you gib me a hug and a smooch, please?" "Oh, doodlebug, of course I can!" "Ahahahaha! I not goeend let go!"

Berserker -  "MAMA! DON'T LEEB ME IN DIS BEDROOOOOOOM! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Ninja tactics - "Mama?" A whisper. I look around. Nothing. "Mama? Can I stay wif you?" What the - ? And then, between the couch and the side table, I see her face poking out.

Creeping Barrage - Sometimes I look over and see something that makes me jump out of my skin. Last night, I look over to see a floating umbrella - only to realize that she was wearing it on her head. More often, something will catch my attention from the corner of my eye and I'll look over to find a blanketed bundle creeping across the floor.

Frontal Assault - Occasionally, she'll just mosey out of her bedroom and snuggle up beside me. "Mama, I lub you so much. You my bess frien'."

Tonight, she chose the less-frequently used Appeasement method. Out of favor since World War II, Emmie believes in a strong comeback for the tactic.

"Mama! Der's a bee in my room!"
"Honey, there's no bees in your room. This time of year, it's too cold for them. Bees are all sleeping in their hives."

(Editor's note: I did not major in bee-ology so just shut up)

"Noo! I telleend you der's a bee in my room! I saw it! An' it say buzzzzbuzzzzz."

"Honey, I think you just don't want to be alone in your room. Now, there's no bee in there. Please go back to your bed."

"Mama! I not telleend you a lie. Der IS a bee! I thint YOU telleend ME a lie! You say der's no bee, and I saw'd a bee! An' it say buzzzzbuzzz and I'm afraid dat it's goeend ta STING me in my stitches!"

I cover my mouth to hide the smile, and try to control my laughter. I did lie to her. I have no idea what bees are doing right now. But I am convinced she's just trying to find a way to stay out of bed. She sees me, knows what I'm doing.

"MAMA!" she bellows. "STOP LAUGHING! I SAW'D A BEE AN' -"

"Young. Lady." I pull out my MOM voice. "We do not talk to each other that way."

"I sorry..."

"Thank you. Now let's have one more hugs-and-mooches-and-zerrberts, and then: bed. I love you..."

She complies, giving me a look of what looks like real fright. There's a shakiness to her actions that concerns me. Hmmm... but she scrambles into bed quietly.

I wait... silence. A few minutes later, when I go to check on her, she's fast asleep.

Heh. I'm proud of seeing through her ruse, and relax on the couch to enjoy some zombie movies.... when out from the hallway, by her bedroom, a fly buzzes past my head.

Crap. There kind of WAS a bee.