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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

This post contains explicit material

Tuesday, October 14, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - Emerson and I were at the Dollar Tree this weekend, getting a new pooper scooper, because Emerson somehow misplaced ours. Which is as disgusting as it sounds.

In the toy section, Emerson saw a ball. And with her typical impression of Foghorn Leghorn, she said, "Scented balls? What are scented balls? Mom, do you know anyone who has scented balls?"

Emerson only has three volumes:

  1. Dear God, What is The Emergency?
  2. Attempt at Whispering That Sounds Like a Normal Volume
  3. Sleeping

She was in emergency mode. I wish I could say I was cool, but I had to walk away for laughing.

When I walked away, covering my hysterical giggles with my hand, she followed me, basically hollering the same set of questions. I had to choke out, "Please stop saying scented balls."

Mistake. She's almost 10, and we've had several co-ed puberty talks, and she thinks the whole dang thing is hilarious. Apparently, every normal body part and function on an adult is just the funniest thing ever. There's no hierarchy. They're ALL The Funniest Thing Ever.

And when I said that, she got it. And fell on the ground belly laughing. I tried to hush her, because her laughing is approximately the same volume as an ambulance siren. But that just made her laugh harder. I walked to the other end of the aisle, so I could still see her, but perhaps my mortification would be far enough removed that it would no longer amuse her so much.

And it worked. She caught up with me a minute or two later, still grinning so wide her face might have cracked, and still chuckling. But calm enough that I didn't feel the need to gag her.

"Sorry, Mama. That was just so funny!"

"Mmm..." I refused to comment, and resumed shopping. Then I heard it.

"sssssssscenteeddddd baaaaaaaaallllllsssss....[snort][chortle]"

She followed me around the store, whispering the phrase over and over. Needless to say, it was the fastest shopping I've ever done.

She collapsed into a fit of belly-laughing in the car, while I tried to keep a stern look on my face.

"Doodle, I understand that you think that's funny, but it's really more of a private funny. Not something to share in public," I chided her.

Her eyebrows shot back on her forehead in dismay. "But, mom, that's why I was whispering!"


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