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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

This is the most shocking thing a child could ever say

Tuesday, October 28, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - Emerson and I went to the Jack‑O‑Lantern Jubilee last weekend. We brought her best friend, K., with us, and picked up two more munchkins while we wandered the festival site. T. is a nice girl whose mom is a good friend of mine. But I had never met J., a child who goes to school with Em. Let me tell you, this kid was hilarious. Smart, funny, articulate, good-natured. I have a problem with wanting to take everyone's child home with me, so naturally when T.'s mom took her home, I went to his mother and asked if he could attend Trunk or Treat with us that evening.

To my great surprise, having never met me before, she agreed.

"Are you sure? I could be an ax murderer," I joked.
"But you haven't murdered your child," she grinned.
"Well... not yet," I said. Uh... hee?


What a wonderful time they had, running around like little maniacs. I wrangled a random smorgasbord for dinner, which they barely touched, and then we rampaged through Trunk or Treat.

While there were lots of slapstick moments - because kids fall down, whaddaya gonna do? - the best part of the whole day was listening to them talk to each other in the backseat.

Emerson: "I'm a unicorn!"
K: "I'm a princess!"
J: "I'm a ninja!"
Emerson: "Wull, I'm an allicorn princess!"
K: "Well, I'm a gothic princess!"
J: "I'm a pedophile!"

SCREECH! Hold the phone. Do what?

The members of the backseat peanut gallery were too busy laughing their pants off to notice my shock. Apparently, that was the funniest thing that has ever been said in the entire history of fourth grade.

Me: "J., sweetie, are you sure you know what a pedophile is?"
J: "Uh.... no, not really."
Me: "It's like a really bad thing that you definitely don't want to be, honey. If you said that in a group of people other than this one, they'd think something was very wrong. You might even get in trouble."
J: "Oh....."
Me: "But you didn't know that, so don't stress about it."
J (brightening): "Okay! I'm a SUPER ninja!"

I made a mental note to mention it to his mother.


  1. The Doctor makes everything better!