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Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Five Worst Halloween Costumes

Thursday, October 30, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - Rather than recycle this post again, which seems unfortunately to have gained relevance, rather than lost it, I decided to stop my annual tirade and focus on a NEW annual tirade: That of stupidly offensive costumes.

Every ding-dang year, you see one. That guy. That guy who thinks he's being super clever or funny, but is really just being a big dummy. Now, there's nothing in the law that says you can't be a big ol' ball of stupid. Heck, there's nothing in the Ten Commandments that says you can't be a raging butt-head. No number 11 that says, "Thou shalt not do stupid things to get attention by annoying people."

But some people just don't get it. So I'm here to tell you that if what you're wearing tomorrow night falls within one of the following categories, you need to refer here for a quick costume change.

1. Blackface or Brownface - Let's start with what should be The Most Obvious Thing Ever. It does not matter if you are portraying an African-American character, and darkening your skin makes you look more realistic. It's racist, racist, racist. So cut it out. No, don't argue. No one wants to hear your condescending justifications. Just don't do it.

Alternate costume: Lucretia Mott or William Lloyd Garrison. Don't want to go historical? Just click here for a costume that lets you go as yourself.

2. ISIS or Al-Qaeda - OMG. No. First of all, you're dressing up as horrific mass murderers. Which... okay, it's Halloween. But these are horrific mass murderers of the relatives of people you know. Someone you know, in the country right now, has experienced the loss of a loved one due to the disgusting mess in the Middle East right now. In addition, there are  hundreds of thousands of members of the military - and former members of the military - who are walking around, in the dark, with their kids. Do you really want to trigger their PTSD? Finally, you're bastardizing the national/folk costume of millions of law-abiding, peace-loving people. Let's just be respectful, okay? Side note: Also don't dress as a school shooter. My god, are you a sociopath?

Alternate costume: You want to be a scary mass murderer? Maybe choose something a little more storybook, like the Headless Horseman. Want to insult the folk costume of a culture you don't understand? Go as a resident of Houyhnhnm. But just the hind end.

3. Ray Rice or Michael Brown or Adrian Peterson - There is nothing funny about domestic violence, police shootings, or child abuse. Nothing.

Alternate costume: An Olympic curler. No controversy. Just wear pants with a crazy print, carry a broom and crouch down and yell at things all night. See? You can still be obnoxious.

4. Ebola or A Mental Illness or An Eating Disorder - People live and die with these diseases. Be respectful. Other people's pain should not be your source of amusement.

Alternate costume: Bob Ross or Mister Rogers. Bring a little peace, empathy, and kindness into the world. Wouldn't it be nice to hand out postcard-sized paintings of happy trees all night?

5. Dead Celebrities - Look, Marilyn Monroe in her famous pleated white dress is something we all understand. It's not original, but it is iconic. Mrs. Doubtfire is a funny costume. But Mrs. Doubtfire with a noose around her neck? You suck.

Alternate costume: A black and white film star, or pop art cartoons. You clearly want to be someone famous. Make it fun.

Now go out there and make Halloween safe, fun, and a little less stupid.


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