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Monday, September 15, 2014

The 64 Things You Think When Locked in a Friend's Bathroom for 45 Minutes

Monday, September 15, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - So, Labor Day weekend, I was house sitting for my friend, AMY. I do not usually name people on my blog, but I am telling the Internet on you, AMY.

As usual with my life, things did not go as well as planned. After I fed the cats and let the dog out, I had to take a bathroom break. That's where things went wrong.

These are the thoughts that ran through my head as I tried repeatedly to escape the clever trap she had set.

1. Her bathroom is cleaner than mine.

2. I should clean my bathroom.

3. Her shower curtain is too dark for such a small space.

4. OMG, when did I get a degree in interior design? I can't even hardly dress myself. Shut up, self. Her shower curtain is fine.

5. Where is the hand soap and towel?

6. Okay, I'll just rinse and air dry. No biggie.

7. Wait.... what? No. The doorknob.... there is no doorknob.

8. Uuugggghhh! Come on, doorknob stick thing. Turn.

9. Hold up... did the doorknob just slide further out of the doorknob... hole?

10. Doorknob Hole would be an interesting band name.

11. Okay. Don't panic. Just gently pinch the doorknob stick thing with your fingernails and... [clattering sound as the knob falls out] JesusMaryandJoseph! 

12. [peeking through the hole] The knob is on the floor. There is no knob in this hole.

13. {snicker} That's what she said.

14. Okay, time for Plan B.

15. Plan B? What are you even talking about? You don't have a freaking Plan B for opening a door. You just turn the knob and it opens!

16. Sigh... This lock is old. It can't be that sturdy. I'll just pop the... errrgggg.... [gasp!] Nope. Not happening.

17. What would MacGyver do? Hmmm... Now is a rather disappointing time to realize that I've only seen one episode of MacGyver - the one where he punches Sasquatch. I don't want to punch Sasquatch. I would want to be Sasquatch's friend.

18. Sasquatch would TOTALLY be my friend!

19. Shit. Okay, now what?

20. Ooh, wedge something in the crack between the latch and the plate. What can I wedge in there? My earring!

21. Aaaaand now my earring is outside of the door. Who didn't see that coming?

22. Ugh. Sorry, Amy, but I have to go through your bathroom cabinets. Let's see... cotton balls... makeup... toothbrushes... Come ON! Nothing. There are no wedging materials in her cabinets.

23. Okay... THE WINDOW! Hmmm... this window is essentially on the second floor. But if I can drop down onto the air conditioner unit, there should be minimal injuries. I mean, there might be an injury, but that's just to be expected. I once sprained my thumb pulling on Spanx, for crying out loud.

24. Errrrrrrggggg....[gasp!] The window. Is painted. SHUT.

25. Wait. Check the lock.  ...Yep, painted shut.

26. This is a FIRE HAZARD, Amy!

27. Crap. I left my purse in my car. I had tweezers in there. And an eyelash curler, for all the good that would do. Crap, I left my PHONE in my car. I can't even call for help. And Emerson is playing at the neighbor's house. She knows where I went, but she doesn't know the address.

28. Oh, my god... NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM.

29. I am trapped in a bathroom. On Friday. On Labor Day weekend. No one knows where I am, and I can't call anyone. R.H. is going to think I'm angry with him, or ignoring him, and his feelings will be hurt, and then he'll  break up with me. And when she gets back home on Monday night, Amy is going to find me in her bathroom - starving, angry, claustrophobic, and delirious from worrying about Emerson.

30. But very clean and well hydrated.

31. Okay. Who can let me out of the bathroom? The nearest neighbors are 100 yards away, on the other side of the house. They won't see or hear me at the window.

32. Argh! Why can't I just open the door?!

33. Maybe I can pop it open if I pull it really hard....

34.    ...

35.          ...

36.               ...

37. No... That didn't work.

38. Wait, there's an opening at the top of the door. What's that called?

39. A transom! Oh, yeah, I could totally get out that way. I can just stand on the vanity and...

40. Ow. Well, that was a big pile of NO right there.

41. Maybe there's a maintenance guy, or a yard guy, or a delivery guy, or the mailman, or something, who'll be by soon, and he can rescue me.

42. Wait, no, that is how porn happens.

43. Sigh... I hate this bathroom.

44. I hate Amy.

45. I would be legally justified in busting down this stupid, solid, wooden, antique door right now.

46. I could do it. I could break this door.

47. Yes. This sounds like a great idea. I can break down this door and it will not even be my fault because I was totally trapped here. This is like false imprisonment or something!

48. Get a grip. You are not breaking down Amy's bathroom door.

49. (But you totally could. If you wanted to.)

50. Hell, yes, I could. I am a strong, independent woman who don't need no doorknob.

51. Actually, a doorknob would be really great right about now.

52. Okay... what other options do I have?

53. ...

54. I think I'm down to magic, telekinesis, and sheer dumb luck.

55. I don't have any of that. ESPECIALLY THE LUCK.

56. Okay. What else can I do?

57. Let me just double-check for tools.

58. .... Nope, no tools. But a freaking lot of random toothbrushes.

59. How many teeth do they even have?

60. Wait! Maybe one of them can fit into the hole where the doorknob stick thing used to be!

61. ... No, of course not. Why would it be that easy?

62. Okay, THAT is IT! I have HAD it! I'm... just... going... to freaking SHOVE this toothbrush in the... and... turn it... hard... to the.. left... and...


63. No! What? Seriously?!



  1. Your writing is the total antidote to a bad day. Thanks for taking time to imprison yourself just so you could make the world a better place! ;)