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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Random Thoughts from the Weekend

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 By

AUGUSTA, GA - I think it's hilarious when people try to sell a super ugly piece of furniture on Craigslist and they want like $2,000 for it. "REAL GERMAN WALL UNIT FROM GERMANY WITH ACTUAL GERMAN WRITING, VINTAGE, ONLY 300 SCRATCHES AND BAD WIRING! A STEAL AT $2,100!" That's super adorable optimism, but maybe also delusional.

Why is it that Death can't see anyone under Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, but the Marauder's Map can track his movements? I don't understand. Turns out there is a wiki dedicated to Harry Potter plot holes.

Rap lyrics are boring as heck. Rappers these days essentially have fans pay them to tell fans what crazy things they spend their fans' money on. That's like if chefs ate the food you paid for, described it to you in detail, and set to music.

Country stars should get in on this. They should be all, "Mad love to my new horses. They got real power. I'm makin' money by the bushel, you makin' money by the hour." OMG. I should totally write country rap songs. That was awesome. Florida-Georgia Line, give me a call.

I always forget Limp Bizkit was a real thing until some pop culture reference reminds me. Then I wonder how all their fans' prison tattoos are coming along.

Why is it called honey mustard, when it's mostly mayonnaise?

Why did I have to spellcheck mayonnaise?

Why doesn't spellcheck recognize itself?

How do I know if I'm the realest? Can I be the realest and still not be fancy? Because being the realest is the first thing, first.

I recently heard a woman criticizing the use of a laundromat by a family that was clearly way less well off than she. She said, "If people are really starving, why are they spending so much money at the laundromat?" It was a level of disconnect that spoke to her blind privilege, and it has nagged at me ever since. She didn't consider that the family might only do their laundry once a month, wear clothes several times before washing, or hand wash as much as possible. People are starving and malnourished in this very country, ma'am. They truly are. That's the realest.

I wish my parents would get texting so I could have hilarious submissions to and But, no. They are not fancy.

I wrote a couple of online dating profiles for people, who have since found serious relationships - one of them is now engaged and planning a wedding. They hardly speak to me anymore. So if you're looking for love AND to get me out of your life, my keyboard is ready!

Speaking of dating sites, when did unsolicited penis photos become a thing, and on what women does that move work, guys?

There are so many days when I think, "Today was not worth putting on pants." There should be a section on called "Jobs Where Pants are Not Necessary."


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