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Friday, June 25, 2010

How Facebook Has Changed My Life

Friday, June 25, 2010 By

1. Increased (not improved) Punctuation - Facebook has increased the English language's daily quotient of punctuation. Whereas e.e. cummings (despite the two periods in his name) and his poetic ilk tried to do away with it, FB brought back the exclamation points, colons, and parentheses you see every day. My own use of the semicolon has increased so much that my high school English teachers would be proud. And would still mark me down for improper use. Is there such thing as a semi-colon splice?

2. The A-Hole Policy - If Facebook made porn, it would be "The Hills." Thanks, FB, for the overwhelming douchebaggery that is Spencer. And I love to watch you. The overplayed drama that is reality TV has crept into my life, thanks to Facebook.

3. More Friends, Sort of... - If I don't like you, somehow I still have to deal with you, because of the politics of friending. If I'm friends with your friends, but I don't friend you, it's drama. And, ex-boyfriend, if I don't friend you, I'm "clearly not over" you. And if I do? I still want you. Gah! It used to be possible to get completely away from an ex, so long as you didn't have children together. Or, when bored, seeing them again by fantasizing about them, locked forever at whatever age they were when you broke up. Now that I can see their current profiles, they're just as old and fat as everyone else.

4. The Daily Show, with Nobody - Bye-bye, daily newspapers. Everyone read 75% of your stories 48 hours ago. And if you do the math... wait, I don't have to! I'll just ask my FB friends. One of them will do it for me.

5. Pleasure is Business - I don't need to know your business. No, your real business; the one through which you're trying to sell me stuff. I don't want to be its friend. If I did, I would shop there. Now leave me alone, downtown hair salons. If it ain't fixed by the age of 36, not much else can be done. Just leave it alone.

6. Stalking is the New Norm - "Beep! Holla back. Beep! Holla back. Beep! Holla back. Hey, where are you? Why aren't you returning my phone calls? What do you mean you didn't get my email? Your computer wasn't down. I saw your status update!" Argh! I just don't want to talk to you!

7. More Funny - People I didn't know existed have become very entertaining fixtures in my life. I am thankful for that.

8. Even More Funny - People I did know existed, but hardly ever spoke to, have become very entertaining fixtures in my life. I am thankful for that, too.

9. Fewer Consequences - Some of the people I did know existed are miserable. And I am glad for it. And that reminds me that I'm a bad person. So I'm going to go post a sad status update and let people tell me how great I am. Ahhh... much better. Guilt and shame? Going the way of the Dodo. And those are useful emotions, people. They exist for good reason. Go see episodes of "The Hills" and "Real Housewives" for further clarification on that.

10. More Me - Oh, were you talking about yourself? I wasn't listening. I was waiting for time to talk about me.


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