Momnesia

The Tao of Poop

As a first-time mom, I don’t have a lot of advice to offer to other new moms. My two-year-old daughter still doesn’t sleep through the night; I don’t know how to wean her off her pacifier; and potty training seems distant. But there is one thing you learn quickly and Corinthians 15:51 sums it up best: "I tell you a truth hitherto kept secret: we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."

We called our daughter "Frauline Poopenstein" because for the first several weeks of her life if she wasn’t expelling something terrifying from her body she wasn’t doing much at all. To be honest, it was okay when she was a newborn and made her first "stinky."

"Oh, look," I exclaimed, delightedly, while relatives dove for air freshener. "Her first doody! I shall name it Fred."

Now it is less than delightful. It is an insidious thing. Like evil, it can take many forms.

One form is Rabbit Turds. These little pellets are hard and sticky, but also small and light like invisible tape so that they sometimes affix to unexpected things. You might discover this later in an unfortunate way, as I did.

"Honey, I’m off to the store. Are you sure you don’t want to go?" I asked my husband.

"No. My back really hurts," he moaned.

"Poor baby. If it makes you feel any better, I found baby poo stuck to the side of my hand this morning after I changed Emerson."

He grinned: "You know, I do feel a little better."

My suffering is worthwhile if it eases the anguish of others.

Silly Putty is similar to Rabbit Turds, but larger. It's sticky, but heavier, so it is easier to handle. But watch out! If little legs kick when you're changing, these can become dangerous projectiles. During one particularly difficult diaper change, Emerson kicked her dirty diaper as I was pulling it out from under her and sent the silly putty flying.

"Gah!" I screamed.

"What's wrong?!" Scott barked anxiously from the door. I merely pointed. "It" had hit the wall, stuck and slid down a couple of feet. There almost wasn’t enough bleach on the planet to make the room feel clean again.

But if your walls need more than cleaning, wait for the Spackle. This substance would make millions for an inventive hardware store if not for the unfortunate brown color. It's gooey, spreadable and dries almost instantly to an impenetrable crust. I’ve taken Emerson straight from the changing table to the bathtub several times.

I asked my daughter about how she’d prefer that I handle this situation. She chewed one of the dog’s toys thoughtfully then said, "Dhet!"

Which brings us to The Poop of a Different Color. There are some hues that do not appear naturally among vegetables of the world yet your child’s doody may contain them anyway. Remember the old Crayola 64 boxes? I know how those were invented. Some sleepless parent looking for an earthly explanation for this unearthly phenomenon.

Once you start on solid foods, it’s a whole new ball of… well, you know. So, beware, chumps. Little tummies aren’t always ready for progress, so sometimes what goes in comes out in exactly the same form and what you get is Vegetable Soup. The reason, I’m certain, that Campbell’s markets their canned foods to children is that none of their parents will touch it. It’s too metaphoric.

For these reasons and more, Emerson has been the proud owner of a training potty since she was about nine months old. She was using it as a step stool, but recently began actually sitting on it… to watch television. We’ll post more information as things progress. We can: we have plenty of adhesives here. Too bad it’s brown.