Sunday, January 25, 2004
Growth Spurt
Talking about my nephew, who Marvin hasn't seen for a couple of years...
Me: Yeah, so he's a little crackhead 6-year-old.
Marvin: Wow, he's six, now?
Me: Yep.
Marvin: I bet he's tall.
Me: He is!
Marvin: I bet he's taller than I am.
Me: Marvin, he's...
Thursday, January 22, 2004
I'm so hysterically punny
My mother, father, and I arrive at Joe's Crab Shack in Forrest Park to meet my professor and another alumn with whom I'm giving a seminar. We've never been there before. The parking lot is jam-packed. My mother and I remark that we might as well park...
Monday, January 19, 2004
Am I On Candid Camera?
Me: Hi! I'm Stacey, and I'll be taking care of you today. What can I get you to drink?
Guy: Whatchoo got?
Me: We have Coke products - Coke, Diet Coke, Pink Lemonade, Root Beer, Mr. Pibb, and Sprite - sweet and unsweet tea, coffee, and a full bar.
Guy:...
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
It's 3 a.m., he must be lonely.
Me (groggily): Hello?
Chris: You said I could call whenever.
Me: Mmmhmm.
Chris: Are you sure about this?
Me: Mmmhmm.
Chris: I think that we can work through our problems.
Really? Are you going to stop trying to convert me to your particular brand of...
Monday, January 12, 2004
I'm free, to do what I - why's my phone ringing?
Me: Hello?
Chris: Why did you just leave like that?
(silence)
Chris: So, that's it?
Me: I don't know what else there is that I can say.
Chris: Oookay. Well, have a nice life.
Me: You, too.
*Cllick*
Ten minutes later...
Me: Hello?
Chris (sniffling):...
Sunday, January 11, 2004
I'm free, to do what I want, any old tiiiiiimme
Previously, in Stacey's life (fade from black): Stacey was sick on Monday. Chris refused to help her, but promised to stop by on Tuesday. He didn't. Stacey decided to break up with him, based on his lack of caring when she was too sick to take care...
Saturday, January 10, 2004
EX-boyfriend
It's Monday at 4 a.m. I am awakened by a very. very. very. bad. feeling. Yes, I meant to put all those periods in that sentence. It was for effect. Now stop interrupting me and let me tell my story. So, it's 4 a.m. I'm asleep. But, suddenly, I awaken...
Monday, January 05, 2004
Reading Comprehension Lessons
Long, long ago in a restaurant far, far away...
Me: Now that those entree dishes are out of the way, can I offer you folks some dessert?
Man (this guy has more platinum on his teeth than any rap mogul you've ever seen): Yee-ah. Could you bring us...
Thursday, January 01, 2004
Serving FAQ
Let's start the new year off with a training lesson. Read and learn.What took you so long to get our drinks?If you ordered tea or coffee, I probably had to brew it because the other servers were having personal conversations that rendered them unable...
