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Monday, March 16, 2015

The only time my daughter listens to me

Monday, March 16, 2015 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - Emerson is complimenting my boobs. It's weird. I tell her to cut it out, and she starts belly laughing.

"Jumping Jehoshaphat, Em. That was wildly uncomfortable."

She laughs harder, shrieking, "Jumping Jehoshaphat?! What the heck is that?!"

"You know what? I'm not even going to tell you. You can just Google it tomorrow at your fancy art school in your fancy computer lab while all we had was stupid Oregon Trail on 5-inch floppy discs."

"Oregon Trail? What's that?"

"A video game. Basically, every computer lab was a choice between either doing typing programs or murdering an innocent digital family as they traveled across the prairie to a new homestead."

"Which one did you choose?"

"Well, I never actually learned how to type properly, so... "

"That's hilarious! So, you didn't have the internet?"


"That's sad."

"Well, but we got to ride dinosaurs to school, so it all worked out."

My senior portrait. I was a badass.



"You didn't ride a dinosaur."

"Prove it."

"Mom! Dinosaurs are extinct!"

"Because they all died on the Oregon Trail. My bad."


"I should have taken typing. Maybe they'd still be alive."



"... You know what? Nothing. I like your crazy stories. Tell me another one about the old days."

"They're not that old, Em."

"They are to me."

"Fair enough. Let me tell you about my friend who lost an eye to her crimping iron."

"What?! What's a crimping iron? How did she lose her eye?"

"It was back in the 80s. It's like a flat iron, but it made a crimping pattern in your hair. It's hot and you put it near your face, so... accidents happen. Anyway, we called her Crimp-Eye Kristen."

"Did she really lose an eye?"

"Oh, yes. And then she couldn't see the dinosaurs. So, sadly, she's not with us anymore."


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