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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Hockey players scoff at Lebron's cramps

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 By

Seems Lebron James was recently carried off the basketball court with "cramps," which made me cramp with laughter because - seriously? Cramps? Don't make all women everywhere laugh.

Anyway, while watching the Kings v. Rangers game, R.H. (who patiently explains all the hockey things to me) weighed in:

"Hockey players don't get cramps. You would die. They have knives on their feet, and the puck is going 80 to 100 miles an hour! You fall down? Your face would explode! It would be like a Gallagher show!"

After that speech, I couldn't drink anything for a while, for fear of it squirting out of my nose.

But it's true that hockey is one of the toughest athletic pursuits around. Not only do players have to fight their way to the goal, on shoes made of miniature swords, while sliding on frozen water, but they have to handle a puck with the precision of a surgeon, and they can't use their hands. They have to use a stick that looks like a boomerang on Viagra. (There's a joke somewhere in there about wood, but I'll move on. Because I'm a lady.)

Anyway, in hockey, players have to deal with being body-checked into the boards or even just - blammo! No warning! -  in the middle of the rink. They put themselves between an 90-ish mph slap shot and the goal; accept that at some point a game will devolve into fisticuffs; and brace themselves for the fact that they might get a stick to the face.

So I Googled "most badass hockey players" -- while sitting at my desk, wearing mismatched shoes, with an early lunch of cold pasta that I am eating with a folded Post-It note, because I am too lazy to walk down the hall to heat my food and get a fork. Clearly, I am not prepared to play pro hockey. But my very athletic fingers came up with some incredible stories to share:

Seriously, though, people have died for this sport. And weren't always revived. In fact, as recently as 2008, a player almost bled to death on the ice.

I don't know Lebron James, and I don't really care about basketball. Maybe his cramps were serious business. But I just don't buy it. Basketball and hockey players both average about 5 seasons, but hockey is a much more physical sport and hockey players are much less well compensated. I think James could do a little stretching, maybe slap on some Icy Hot. This guy could probably hook him up

I'll just leave you with this question: How would Lebron deal with going headfirst through a backboard?

Full disclosure: I interned as a technical director and director for the Augusta Lynx/Comcast during the 2000-2001 season. I learned very little about hockey, and everything about how other interns don't want to do work. I also must disclose that I lack the athleticism to be justified in passing judgment on a pro athlete. My athletic peak came in fourth grade, when I placed 6th in the state for the 400 meter freestyle. It was all downhill after that.


  1. I did say, "80-100 mph slap shots." Tie Domi is correct spelling. And, you didn't put up Ian LaPerriere's tale of taking shot to face and talking thru the doctor stitching his mouth, about going back out to play immediately.

  2. OMG, fine, I will correct your quote and the name spelling, Mr. Specific. And, no, I didn't put up that other story, because I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the SIXTH most popular professional sport. Behind college football and freaking auto racing, which is just some guys driving machines around in a circle 200 times. Sigh... :-)

  3. Also, I expect to be praised for my creative cutlery problem-solving.