Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Friday, April 08, 2011

Bag it

Friday, April 08, 2011 By

Dear Atlantic Station H&M Male Sales Clerk -

"Hi. Do you have this bag in black?" I asked. You hardly glanced up at me.

"Nooooo," you mused, eyebrow raised, while adjusting your horrid neck scarf. "It doesn't come in black. Why would you ask that?"

"...beeeeecause I prefer black?"

"Wellllll... I suppose they could make it in black, but personally I feel it's more authentic in brown. It's the color Hermes used when designing their Birkin, which is, of course, the inspiration for the bag you are now holding. They also did it in red, but... hmmm... noooo, we don't have it in red, either."

Riiiiight. Look, sir, do you see me trailing two sugar-coated, wind-blown schoolchildren in various stages of meltdown? Did you notice me wearing the same jeans-and-sweater combination that has carried me through the last 6 winters-and-schizophrenic-Southern-springs of motherhood? Have you - like me - already grown tired of me snapping my fingers and whistling to get the attention of the children, who have no desire to be in your store and are T-minus-30-seconds from tolerating my attempt at retail therapy no longer?

Now that you've noticed the telling characteristics of the customer standing before you, let's be clear about a couple of things. The only reason I am even in here is because I did not bring a purse that was large enough to sneak convenience store snacks and drinks into the ridiculously-overpriced movie theater that is right behind this store. Coincidentally, I also need a new laptop bag, because the handles are falling off of the one I bought at Target just over a year ago (Thanks, Target. That was $50 wasted).

Despite your elite position as one of 87,000 H&M employees, and regardless of your hard-fought victory to enroll as a "fashion" student at one of the FORTY-FIVE campuses of the Art Institute of WhereverTheyCanGetaLease, I did not ask for a history of the cheap knock-off you are passing off as couture. I asked you one question. It was about color. It requires only this: "No, it only comes in brown."

Thank you. I will take it.


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