Momnesia

1:30 p.m. - We got our hair did for the wedding at the wonderful Salon Red on the square in Decatur. But they were going through a lot of bobby pins on us. "You know what they should develop instead of bobby pins?" I heard my mouth say before I even realized I was talking. "A hair stapler. So you could just be like, 'How's this? Good? Okay.' KACHUNKA!"

(sigh) Why can't I lose my voice in a tragic shower singing accident?

3:15 p.m. - At the church, getting ready. It's hot as balls, and I'm just trying not to sweat my makeup off or my hair down. Bleh!

3:45 p.m. - Getting dressed for the wedding, one of our relatives couldn't get her dress zipped. That was not acceptable. There was no backup dress, and she was significant in the ceremony. It took 2 of us to get it hooked - and then the hooks popped off and flew across the room! We were so afraid that we weren't going to be able to get it on her, but a last-minute burst of Hulkomania got it up. That would have been Big Drama.

4 p.m. - Photos, and the flower girl is rockin' the good behavior. Did I mention hot as balls outside? Dadgum! There should be a law about taffeta and summer weddings.

6:40 p.m. - Emmie, the flower girl, turned during the ceremony and stage whispered to me: "I hafta go potty!" Ann, one of the readers, who was sitting in the front row, hissed, "I'll take her!" But when I motioned for Emmie to go with her, Emmie said, "No! I don' wanna! If I go now, I'll miss da show!"

6:45 p.m. - During the rehearsal, one of the readers asked, "I can never remember: Is it pronounced Coh-loss-ee-ahns, or Coh-losh-uns?" I told her that I always thought that chapter should be pronounced "CUHLOSHUNS!!!" with accompanying strong-man gestures, like it was a wrestler's name. That was funny until it was time to read the text during the ceremony and all the bridesmaids were trying not to laugh out loud.

7 p.m. - I don't know how this happpened, but 6 other bitches showed up at this wedding wearing the same dress as me! Awkward. They kept showing up all at the same time as me and standing near me in photos... like it was planned, or something.

8:15 p.m. - It was so sad. This woman at the wedding wore a black slip with lace inserts, and no one had the heart to tell her that she had left her dress at home. Or maybe they were secretly filming a Whitesnake comeback video? Judging from her inappropriate dancing, that might be likely...

8:50 p.m. - The ring bearer and flower girl have devolved to running across the dance floor and sliding on their knees. So much for THOSE outfits...

9 p.m. - Two of the groomsmen are "dancing up on" the bride. Um... just... no.

9:10 p.m. - The bartender keeps insisting that I give him a high-five before he'll take my order. I just want some Diet Coke, dude!

9:30 p.m. - My parents take the flower girl home with them. Ahhh... a full night's sleep...

10 p.m. - There are some drunk-ass people up in this joint. The food is all gone, the cake has been cut, and the bar is open. From now, it's a full-on keg party. Without the keg.

10:15 p.m. - Note to readers: It is NOT appropriate for a mother and son to slow-dance together to "Let's Get it On," by Marvin Gaye. No. No. Do not even think about it.

10:30 p.m. - Stick a fork in me! I'm done. Sleepy time!

AUGUSTA, GA. - Trivia: In Atlanta, homicide detectives "earn their hat." When detectives solve their first case, they earn a fedora. You'll see it on the evening news. It's classy, classic, and it engenders respect.

AUGUSTA, GA. - Please nominate Momnesia for Best Local Personal Web Page or Blog, and Scott Hudson for Best Radio Personality, in the 2009 Metro's Best Awards! Click the image or here to vote! And thanks! If we win, we get... a plaque! Woo!

AUGUSTA, GA. - So you remember “Dirty Dancing,” right? That movie where the whole family goes to sleep-away camp and no one is at all creeped out as to why mom and dad are making lanyards? There were some other bits in there, too – something about putting babies in corners and how you shouldn’t do it – but mostly it was a movie about a summer camp. And that camp, Mountain Lake Hotel in Pembroke, Va., was pretty awesome: Big cabins, a well-stocked lake, and tons of stuff for the kids to do… stuff to do besides Patrick Swayze in his hotness years, that is.

Well, Callaway Gardens in Pine Mountain, Ga, high-kicks and double-step-rock-steps all over that camp’s ass.

That’s a bold statement to make: that the beloved 1987- end-of-innocence hit cannot hold a candle to what people think of as a pretty but somewhat tame garden. But after spending a weekend exploring the 13,000 acres with three kids, it’s an accurate statement.

While the “Dancing” crew had a lake, walking paths, and lame-o activities like limbo, Callaway offers a veritable theme-park of activities oriented to the natural world and conservation, but with modern twists to keep everyone comfortable and entertained. For example, the cottages and villas – which are adorable and come with screened-in porches and a charcoal grill – have a full working kitchen and blessedly effective air conditioning.



No sweating over a fire pit, or group dining with people you don’t know. No cha-cha-cha-ing to Lawrence Welk or other sleepy older music while your desert sits forlornly on the table. There is also the Mountain Creek Inn, central to restaurants and shops, or the lush Lodge and Spa that offers a menu of high-end services.


But while the accommodations are well-maintained and sparkling clean, the real draw of Callaway Gardens are the attractions: the Virginia Hand Callaway Discovery Center, Day Butterfly Center, Sibley Horticultural Center, Mr. Cason's Vegetable Garden, Callaway Brothers Azalea Bowl, Overlook Garden, Discovery Bicycle Trail, Pioneer Log Cabin, Ida Cason Callaway Memorial Chapel, golf, fishing, tennis, nature trails and daily programs - like the birds of prey show that features trained owls, falcons and eagles, along with entertaining educational information.

During the summer, your admission to the gardens also includes Robin Lake Beach. But it’s not just a lake beach for swimming. They’ve stocked the water with inflatables for climbing and jumping, and the shore is covered with included activities: paddleboats, miniature golf, shuffleboard, a miniature train, table tennis and Florida State University "Flying High" Circus performances.

It’s often hard to please three kids of varying ages. But our shortcomings always entertain children, so jump into the activities with them. When I ran away from a butterfly that was trying to land on me – they’re really just bugs with good PR – no one could have laughed harder than the children. When it began raining just before the birds of prey show, our trek to the amphitheater turned into a glorious walk through the woods, and over a lily-padded pond – where I promptly slipped and fell on the wooden bridge. More laughter. When I decided to take two of them biking the paved path around the lake, and ended up dragging a 45-pound four-year-old up the gentle hills on a 100-pound tandem bicycle, their encouragement kept me from unstrapping the preschooler and tipping the bike into a ravine. “You can do dis, Mama! I know you can!” she said, as I pushed the steel-framed contraption up another hill. I was sweaty and grumpy and Swayze was nowhere to give me a speech about following my heartbeat. Guh-gung to you, giant bicycle of death.


So not everything is coming up roses (ha, get it? It’s a garden? Oh, nevermind), but the scenery is filled with vignette after vignette of photo-worthy spectacles. The children’s interactive exhibits are educational and entertaining. The inflatables are fun for children of all ages. The motorized tram takes you where you want to go, if you don’t want to bike or walk. The biscuits at the Country Store are delicious – as is the view from the overlook. The shuffleboard is hard – no, seriously; have you ever actually played that game? Does anyone really know the rules? It’s like backgammon with giant squeegees – but we left there with a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t feel after a trip to the giant theme parks. Since no one was getting all up in my dance space, I suspect it was the time spent staying active as a family and enjoying the natural world that made the trip so worthwhile. We were tired from swimming, golfing, biking, hiking, and walking – but we were satisfied. Callaway Gardens doesn’t keep anyone in a corner.

The resort offers a number of vacation packages for the summer: the Mini Break Package, that starts at $129, and the Stimulus Package starts at $99. Call 1-800-CALLAWAY (225-5292) or visit www.callawaygardens.com.

If you go: Leave your fancy pants at home.

Best for: Everyone – except those with severe outdoor allergies.

Don’t miss: The breathless magic of the butterfly house, jumping off an inflatable into the lake, the view from the walking paths

Bring: A camera, comfortable shoes, a towel and swimsuit, sunscreen, bug spray, a change of dry clothes, and a sense of adventure

Admission: Daily Admission Rates are $15 for adults, $7.50 for children 6 and up. Children 5 years old and younger are admitted free. Discounts for military and dependents.

Emmie left yesterday to go to a family reunion in Virginia with my parents and my sister. While I trust those three people with her, and I know that there will be 50 other parents (but few children, since we're all grown up) at the reunion to look after her, it was still hard to let her go.

I gnawed on my nails (figuratively) all day, and called various relatives several times before I left work for the day. But then Scott and I had a leisurely dinner with friends without having to watch her like a hawk or cut up her food or clean up her spills like I had twice at lunch with my parents yesterday, and I found myself relaxing a little.

When I left work, there was no hour of driving to pick her up and bring her home. When I got home, there was no arguing about television, bed time, or pleas for "jus' one more mooches an' hugs."

I lay on the couch and turned on "True Blood," something I usually have to reserve for after she falls asleep. And then it hit me: Emmie's on vacation until next week. So is my boss.

"Hey! I don't answer to anyone but myself right now!" I exclaimed to my husband.

Much to his credit, he didn't respond, "And me."



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AUGUSTA, GA - I pass an incident on Damascus Road and decide to call Scott.

"Thanks, I'll call about it," he says.

"It's probably nothing," I warn him.

"Well, sure, but you're being a traffic trooper."

(Silence) "... Okay, really?"

He bursts into laughter.

"Are you going to pull out a Howdy Doody doll?"

"That's what Harley Drew calls it," he chuckles.

"Whatever. Listen, call me when my secret decoder ring comes in."

"Will do."

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This photo ran on augustachronicle.com. It features our editor, Tom Grant, grinning like the Cheshire cat in the white shirt in the middle. LOL!

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AUGUSTA, GA - So I've picked Emmie up @ her grandmother's house, and we're cruising through Jones Creek Golf Community jabbering to each other. We get to the 3-way stop by the lake, come to a complete stop a moment before red car at the street on my left, and start forward again at a crawl.

The red car, pulling an improperly lit trailer attachment, turns left in front of me, laying on his horn. I stop and let him pass, giving him a brief "honk u" in return. So the dude stops the car and gets out, yelling obscenities.

"Das not good," Emmie muttered.

Y'all know me: I rolled down my window, pointed my Blackberry at him, and said, "What was that, sir? I couldn't hear you." Even though everyone on the planet heard him acting like an ass.

He shouted, "I said you broke the law!" before beating a hasty retreat from the sound and sight of my camera flashing.

"What are you doing now, sir?" I asked.

This is that fool running away from my camera. Red car. Red shirt. No, he doesn't have anger-management issues...


Just to be clear, I HAD right of way. Being a rich asshole doesn't get you in front of people all the time. In a world filled with iniquity, traffic laws hold us all to the same standard.

License plate: AUY 6326

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AUGUSTA, GA. - The Metro Spirit is hosting a party, which gives us a great chance to sit around and make fun of each other.

"That's an oxymoron," we hear Bryan say.
"That's your favorite word," Amy scoffs. "You don't even know what that means."
"He looks in the mirror every day. He should know what at least part of the word means," I laugh.

I've never been frogged in the arm by an employer before.

AUGUSTA, GA. - "Remember: We have to vote today," I remind Scott.

"Oh, I already voted. You should vote, too."

"Of course, I will."

We discuss how he voted, and how I might vote. I have an aversion to discussing my voting persuasions with him before my ballot is cast. It irritates the crap out of him. But he'll badger me until I agree with him - or pretend to. I want to maintain am illusion that I make my own decisions, when everyone knows that Austin Rhodes tells us both what to think. (That was sarcasm, in case you missed it)

"Tricia will never forgive you if you don't vote for SPLOST," he grins, trying to persuade me to one side, even when he doesn't know what side I've taken. I decide to remain infuriatingly neutral.

"Well, you know, there's a reason we use secret ballots in America, in case you've forgotten one of the finer point of our democracy."

He rolls his eyes at me and goes back to the news.

Hey, he'd be bored with someone more pliable.

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Head: Troops contact family in flash
Subhead: Communication has changed greatly since days of World War II

Wow. Rockin' good subhead, there, Augusta Chronicle copy editors. Are you employing Captain Obvious full-time, or do you just keep him on retainer for the days when nothing in the media has yet irritated me?

From: Stacey Hudson
To: Scott Hudson
Subject: Just wanted to remind you...

"... that you suck."


From: Scott Hudson
To: Stacey Hudson
Subject: Re: Just wanted to remind you...

"Sometimes you are flat out impossible."


From: Stacey Hudson
To: Scott Hudson
Subject: Auto Reply: Out of Assholes

"This is an automatic reply. Your e-mail has been received. Unfortunately, we are all full up on buttheads here. Please take your crap somewhere else.

Best Regards,
Stacey Hudson"


From: Scott Hudson
To: Stacey Hudson
Subject: Re: Re: Auto Reply

"Are picking up Emerson?"


From: Stacey Hudson
To: Scott Hudson
Subject: Auto Reply: Did You Not Hear What I Said?!

"This is an automatic reply. We have received your e-mail. Unfortunately, we're in the process of mentally kicking your butt.

Best Regards,
Stacey Hudson"

AUGUSTA, GA. - My dad was born and raised in Texas. He once told me that if the Lone Star State ever decided to secede from the union, that he would join them. My dad drank the water there for far too long. So when he sent me this, I was far from surprised. I just sent him back a message that said, "You do know that I'm not from Texas, right?" And I hope he does know that, being my dad, and all. But I have similar (although weaker) feelings about Georgia - having been born and raised in metro-Atlanta. So I kind of get it. When we watched the Stone Mountain Laser Show two weekends ago, and they started in with the tribute to the Georgia Music Hall of Fame, I got a beautiful pain in my heart.

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?

In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is a little bit of Texas in everyone.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.

We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Davy Crockett, and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes.

John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana at San Jacinto.

Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett and Sam Houston National Forests.

Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend.

Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country.
Texas is floating the rivers of the Hill Country on a hot summer day.
Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South Texas.
Texas is beaches you can drive on and have many memorable bon-fires with close friends.
Texas is that warm feeling you get when someone asks where you're from.

Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.

Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.

Texas is Mexican foods like nowhere else, not even Mexico.
Texas is chicken fried steak and world famous Bar-B-Q.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in Arlington and the Astrodome. (guess now the Reliant Stadium too)..

Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Ann Richards, Denton Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Gene Autry, Audie Murphy, Tommy Lee Jones, Waylon Jennings, Farrah Fawcet, Janis Joplin, Sandra Bullock, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Eva Longoria, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, Howard Hughes, and let's not forget GEORGE STRAIT- PANTERA, the Big Bopper, Tex Ritter, George Jones, Clay Walker, Mark Chestnut, to name ONLY a few.

Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments, EDS and Compaq, Whataburger, Southwest Airlines , Bell Helicopter and LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE, Home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter, Valero.

Texas is NASA.

Texas is huge herds of cattle, beautiful horses and miles of crops.
Texas is home to the world famous King Ranch.
Texas is home to the most amazing sunsets of gold over an empty field.

Texas is hundreds of deer running around neighborhoods and fields.

Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer.

Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the local high school football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the night In Old San Antonio River Parade in San Antonio.

To drive across Texas is to drive 1/3 the way across the United States.

Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.

If it isn't already in Texas, you probably don't need it.

No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U...S. That can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. Flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California , or Maine , and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Klein Oak High or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why? Because it is the only state that was a Republic before it became a state.

Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. And we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We can become a republic again at any time the voters of Texas choose, and we included these things as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part, right there.

Texas even has its own power grid!! And don't even lie to yourself... Did I mention Live music capitol of the world?

If you are a REAL TEXAN, you won't even need to be told to pass this on.
GOD BLESS TEXAS !

I dreamed on Friday night that I met the actress who played Flo @ the TV diner - you know, the "kiss my grits" lady. In the dream, I was so excited to meet her that I just kept laughing this random, high-pitched "eh eh eh eh!" Like Flipper. And everyone looked at me warily and kind of started edging away from me, like at any moment I might spontaneously combust.

That's it. Nothing more happened. Just know that if you invite me to a F-list-celebrity-rich soiree, I might not be able to control myself.

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Emmie's involved with a little risky business.

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Tom: "I keep getting these Facebook updates from you when you're driving..."

Me: "I'm not driving. I'm at a stoplight."

Bob: "A green one?"

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The "Pumpkin Bean Soup" @ Kinja. It's more like porridge. And... bland.

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