Saturday, December 02, 2006
Just Some Lady Business...
(DISCLAIMER: Men, you might want to turn away from this post.)
So I was bitching about my tampons today. (Hey, I warned you guys!)
"Geez! I just went to the bathroom at home!" I stomp, irritated that - while hooray for getting my period from a reproductive standpoint - my day will be continually interrupted because the tampons I decided to try SUCK.
A. nods.
"Is that just too much information?" I ask, apolegetically.
"No, actually, it's good to know," she replies.
"Oh, great, well then, don't ever buy the tampon that I'm using."
"You know what's good are the sport tampons," she says, earnestly. I'm not sure if she realizes how hilarious that sounds.
Sport tampons. Tampons for the active period in your life, like, when my uterus is engaging in a rousing match on the tennis court. Please. My uterus is more likely to engage in a rousing nap on the couch. I assume what makes them sporty is their absorbancy, and not their aerodynamics, or something like that. Hopefully not their design, or something like they come in the colors of your favorite sports teams, 'cause who would see them?
"I'm a Steelers fan!"
"Oh, yeah, prove it!"
"Okay, look!"
"GAAAHHHH! My eyes!"
But I can see how someone doing something crazy like running a triathalon (Hi, Jim! Yes, I said it was crazy! There is simply no reason to run, swim or bike with such haste, unless someone is doing the same behind you with a knife. And screaming. And the screaming is your name. And there is no one else with the same name anywhere near you. Only then should there be hasty exercise. Which is how my ass got this way, and why you have the lovely wife that you do. And now that I am actively competing with Virginia Woolf for longest parenthetical statement ever written, I shall continue) would require sporty tampons. I mean, there can be few non-lethal things worse than having labored for however long such self-torture takes, only to cross the finish line and think, "I have that not-so-fresh feeling."
So, hooray for sport tampons.
Gaaah...where do I start? Ok, momma always said start with the factual errors and then move on to the philosophical ones. So...one doesn't "run a triathlon." As you (accuratley) pointed out, triathlon is swimming, cycling and running. Since you don't run in the water (a la aqua-aerobics--talk about your pointless activites), or on your bike (that would be dangerous to those around you and might land you in a circus), you can't "run a triathlon." You're clever...you can come up with something better.
ReplyDeleteNow, as to the crazy. Yeah, maybe. But if we only meandered through life doing something with a point, we'd be GWB-endorsed automatons with no souls. So to make life interesting, we do lots of pointless things. Like triathlon, or even writing a blog.
Sport tampons are better than tampon sports. Think about it.
Oh, Jim. With your seriousness and the specificity.
ReplyDeleteAnd, excuse me, but my blog is not pointless. It is very important and world-changing. Plus I make AT LEAST $8 a month. Yeah. So smoke on that for a while.
And, also: you spelled "accurately" wrong. Nyah.
ReplyDelete