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Monday, April 27, 2015

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Monday, April 27, 2015 By

AUGUSTA, GA. - My morning should have been pretty easy. 
  1. Get Em off to school.
  2. Drive to campus.
  3. Park a mere 50 yards away from the building.
  4. Take an elevator to the third floor.
  5. Unlock my office door.

Simple, right? NOT FOR ME.

  1. Get Em off to school. Done. 
  2. Drive towards campus, see flashing red light, realize I need gas.
  3. Detour to gas station.
  4. Lose argument with debit card swiper.
  5. Go inside to pay for gas.
  6. Wait in line behind chatty older guy just grabbing a cup of coffee.
  7. Laugh as I explain to humorless cashier that I lost an argument to debit card swiper.
  8. Pay for gas.
  9. Go back outside to pump gas.
  10. Gas pump won't turn on.
  11. Press help button.
  12. No attendant responds.
  13. Go back inside to ask attendant to turn on pump.
  14. She insists that I haven't paid for gas.
  15. But I did, two minutes ago. Here is the receipt.
  16. She gets mad at me, because of REASONS. How did I produce this magical receipt of lies?!
  17. Chatty older guy tries to engage me in conversation - DO YOU NOT HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE, SIR?
  18. Go outside. Wait two minutes while attendant passive-aggressively does not activate pump.
  19. Pump gas. Leave. Mentally flip off cashier.
  20. Fly down the road to campus. Hit no traffic lights. Sweetness!
  21. Pull into parking space.
  22. Run over yellow cone accidentally left in parking space.
  23. Back out of parking space, dragging cone under my car.
  24. Get out of car to dislodge cone.
  25. Student in car pulls up behind me, with perfect view of my behind as I wrangle this fighty cone.
  26. Student driver honks. 
  27. I motion that there is trouble. DOES SHE NOT SEE THAT I AM ON THE GROUND IN A DRESS?
  28. Car driver rolls eyes and pulls around me, honking again.
  29. Car driver is on my growing list of people who must be destroyed.
  30. Get back into car, pull backward until cone dislodges.
  31. Cone now looks like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.
  32. Pull car into nearby space.
  33. Place cone at very back of parking space so no one else runs over it.
  34. Student driver passes me, still circling the parking lot for a space. Student driver clearly not a business major capable of doing a cost-benefit analysis, since nearby lot is clearly mostly empty, and she has been circling this smaller, full lot for about 10 minutes.
  35. Walk to building. Do not fall down or get hit by car. A miracle.
  36. Elevator is waiting for me.
  37. Get off elevator. Walk to office.
  38. Where the hell is my office?! 
  39. I'm on the wrong floor. 
  40. Climb stairs to third floor. Walk to office.
  41. Use car key fob to try to unlock office door.
  42. Stand stupidly in hallway while faculty member passes me with a bemused expression as I make this attempt.
  43. Realize my own stupidity.
  44. Unlock office door.
  45. Sit down at computer and breathe. 

Today is still going to be a good day. Because today I did not have to walk two miles to find fresh water. I do not have any funerals to attend. My daughter is healthy and doing well in school, even if she did almost make me cry with her grumpiness this morning. And I have my old friend, caffeine, to get me through the morning. We've been bros since college.


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