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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Mother's Day is just around the corner

Wednesday, April 29, 2015 By

Augusta, GA. - Emerson just asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. And she was genuinely confused by my answer.

"How about an expensive bottle of perfume?" "How about an expensive bunch of makeup?" "How about some expensive jewelry?"

First, I was somewhat concerned that the adjective preceding all of those possible gifts was "expensive." That's not something that impresses me... unless you're talking about my salary, amiright, ladies?!

Second, I don't want any of that stuff. I have never really wanted any of that stuff.

If you are looking for something to do for your mother for Mother's Day, I am telling you that the best thing you can do for your mom is to clean her freaking house and do her yard work. Just make her life a little bit easier.

Look, I like jewelry. I like perfume. Sometimes I like makeup - it just depends on the day. But what I like more than anything else is not having to do the dishes. It's not having to weed whack my yard. It's not having to cook dinner. It's not having to scrub the toilet.

What I like more than expensive jewelry and perfume and makeup is the ability to come home at the end of a long day at work and just enjoy my home and my family, and not have to think about all the things around me that need to be done so that I can take care of my home and my family. But, you know, not actually enjoy them.

So, folks, for Mother's Day, here's what your mom wants:
  1. An empty dishwasher
  2. An empty clothes washer
  3. An empty clothes dryer
  4. An empty laundry basket
  5. A full refrigerator
  6. Clean floors
  7. Organized shelves
  8. Mowed lawn
  9. Weeded garden
  10. Clean stove/oven
  11. Dusted surfaces
  12. Sparkling clean toilets
  13. Fed and bathed cats
  14. Clean litter boxes
  15. Wiped-down baseboards
  16. Scrubbed floors

And time. Time for herself, time with her family, time to breathe.

Although, if you don't feel like doing that stuff, she also wants a kayak.


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