Re-launched, but still slightly under construction. :-)

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

It's a hard knock life for us

Wednesday, February 04, 2015 By

Apparently how Emerson views herself.

AUGUSTA, GA. - Emerson made a huge mess. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. But she acted completely incompetent in cleaning it up.

"Emerson, go get something to scrub this," I said, for the third time.

She looked balefully at the mess and slumped her shoulders. And just stood there.




"Emerson. Help me clean this up, please."

I wasn't even making her do it all on her own. It was an accident, and when people have accidents, we help them. That is what humans do. Some people are all "blah blah survival of the fittest," but I think that is just them excusing themselves for being big jerkfaces. Humans have survived bigger, stronger predators and exposure to the elements for thousands of years due to our abilities to organize and cooperate - not our ability to shove someone else out of the way and deny responsibility.

So she needed to get with the program. We are helpers in this house. That is WWJD, for crying out loud.

Instead, this is what I got:

I said a silent prayer.

"Emerson. Go to the kitchen. Look for the scrubber, or something, to clean this."

She went to the kitchen. She opened the cabinet under the sink. She stood there for precisely half of one second. Then she came back. And just looked at me. 

I looked at her.

She shrugged her shoulders: "I couldn't find it."

"You couldn't find it."


"You couldn't find anything to clean with."



She sighed. "I'm just not good at looking."

I resisted the urge to bang my head against the floor.

"Emerson, there has to be something with which you can help clean this mess."

"I didn't see anything. I don't know this stuff. They don't teach that in school, you know."

Are you kidding me?

"Oh, well, I will have to start rectifying that gap in your education. Tonight, we're going to learn how to clean things."

"What?! But you said I could come home and lazy around!"

"Young lady, I said no such thing."

"But it's my birthday!"

"Your birthday was yesterday."

"But... I only get one day?"

"Yeah, that's kind of how that works, sweetie."

"I thought I'd get a week."

"A week?"

"Yeah..." She looked at the ceiling and scrunched up her shoulders. Clearly, once she voiced it out loud, her expectation seemed much less reasonable. 

"Well, it only took one day to give birth to you. So one day is all you get. I, however, should get about nine months to just lazy around."

She rolled her eyes and grinned.

I have a $10 gift card to Family Dollar. I am going to take her to that store and let her buy $10 worth of cleaning supplies. 

Then? We're going to have an education. 

Oh, yes. You gone' learn today.


Post a Comment