Monday, December 07, 2015
We say happy holidays
Grumpy, Angry and Jerky are not names of reindeer, people.
AUGUSTA, GA. - I see you, bumper sticker. I see you everywhere I go. That little rectangle with one simple sentence that seems to adorn every big, white SUV that cuts me off in traffic.
"We...
Monday, August 10, 2015
Product Review: Pasta Chips
AUGUSTA, GA. - Okay, I don't usually buy chips. We eat high fiber around here, so if we're buying something crunchy and salty, it's usually Boom Chicka Pop popcorn from Costco.
But I earned a Klout Perk to try Pasta Chips, and they sent a whole...
Wednesday, August 05, 2015
Cowboys always drink upstream from the herd
AUGUSTA, GA - Emerson and I are leaving campus when I spot Dr. Mike Searles leaving the Library in his usual attire: cowboy boots, jeans, plaid shirt, cowboy hat.
"Look, Em, a cowboy."
She cranes her neck. "Wow, is that a real cowboy?"
"Yep, that's...
Monday, August 03, 2015
Thanks, Obama
AUGUSTA, GA. - We're in the Children's Hospital of Georgia, waiting for Emerson's surgery to be completed. The Disney Channel is playing in the waiting room. Emerson's grandfather turns to me and says, "Huh. That actress favors Michelle Obama."
I look:...
Saturday, August 01, 2015
Kids are weird
Emerson: "My stomach hurts."
*thud*
Emerson: "Owwwww! Jackson! That hurt! Geeez, you punched my arm!"
Jackson: "Yeah, but does your stomach hurt?"
Emerson: ".... no...?"
Jackson: "Okay, you're welcome."
Emerson: "Huh. That's interesting."
Jackson:...
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Cinderella's slippers too small for the ball - and she's too big for her britches
AUGUSTA, GA - As Emerson gets older, she gets more opinionated about what she wears. I've never been a chevron-dress-and-hair-bow kind of mom. I'd rather she DID get dirty while playing. I don't want to give her any reason not to enjoy her childhood....
Monday, July 13, 2015
Vampires rising in Augusta
Augusta, GA - Emerson and I are driving home when we pass the Shepeard Community Blood Center's Bloodmobile.
"Haha!" she laughs. "Bloodmobile. What is that even for?"
"Homeless vampires," I said. "They have to take the blood to them during the...
Friday, July 10, 2015
Research shows tweens' speech patterns are remarkably similar to braying donkeys
AUGUSTA, GA - Emerson has three volumes: yelling, yelling louder, and asleep. Her tween vocal stylings really drive home to me why other parebts get their tweens cell phones: to save what little hearing us old folks have left.
One night,...
Tuesday, July 07, 2015
Doctor Who, Why and How
AUGUSTA, GA. - C.B. walked into my office.
"So, tell Emerson that I watched like 5 episodes of Doctor Who."
"...And?"
"It's the worst show ever."
"Right?! It's SO BAD."
"I don't understand why it's so popular."
"And it's been on for like FIFTY......
Friday, June 26, 2015
Now hiring out my child for motivational speaking opportunities
AUGUSTA, GA. - It had been a long day at work, and it was only just barely after lunch. I was driving Emerson and her BFF, Kayla, back to the university with me, where they'd been and helped and behaved themselves all day. But I'd only gotten...
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
I didn't think I'd ever get remarried, but...
AUGUSTA, GA. - I'm manning a table with my coworkers, and the sun is in my eyes.
"Ugh, it's burning my face off," I grumble.
"You can move the pop-up banner to block the sun," M. comments.
But I only got four hours of sleep last night,...
Monday, June 15, 2015
On apologies and forgiveness
AUGUSTA, GA. - Of all the lessons I try to teach Emerson, I think the most powerful is how to give and to accept apologies and offer forgiveness.
Whether it is for a minor offense ("I'm sorry I dropped that glass.") or a major snafu ("I am sorry...
Friday, May 22, 2015
The best way to welcome new employees
AUGUSTA, GA. - Recently, I was using the microwave in a different office. I was not familiar with this machine, and when I pushed the start button ... and the RADIO came on. I spun around looking for the source of the noise, and a professor came...
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Beware the multibear... whatever that is
AUGUSTA, GA
Emerson: "MOM."
Me: "zzzzzzhuh? What?"
I glance at the clock. It's 3:48 a.m.
Emerson: "Mom. I was telling him that he doesn't need to be afraid of the multibear, but he wasn't listening."
Me: "Oh?"
Emerson:"Do you know...
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Kids know how to make medicine fun
AUGUSTA, GA. - So, long story short, as a result of her thrilling ER visit a while back, Emerson had to follow up with a pediatric gastroenterologist, who recommended a colonoscopy.
"How do you feel about that, Doodle?" I asked.
"Oh, I feel...
Monday, May 11, 2015
Growing up is hard - for moms
AUGUSTA, GA - Recently, Emerson experienced one of her first big disappointments. It was something she wanted very badly, something she worked hard to attain, and after being given an opportunity, that opportunity was snatched away from her because...
Monday, May 04, 2015
And the Earth keeps spinning
Him: "I think we should not see each other anymore."
Her: "Um, I know you're seeing someone else, and you're going to lie about it in perpetuity. So I agree it's for the best that we don't see each other anymore."
Him: "Except if someone you don't...
Friday, May 01, 2015
My Little Pony is still a better love story than Twilight
AUGUSTA, GA.
Emerson: Why are they drinking tomato juice?
Me: Some people like to drink tomato juice.
Emerson: Like vegetarian vampires?
Me: Yep. Exactly.
...
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Mother's Day is just around the corner
Augusta, GA. - Emerson just asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. And she was genuinely confused by my answer.
"How about an expensive bottle of perfume?" "How about an expensive bunch of makeup?" "How about some expensive jewelry?"
First,...
Monday, April 27, 2015
Tell me why I don't like Mondays
AUGUSTA, GA. - My morning should have been pretty easy.
Get Em off to school.
Drive to campus.
Park a mere 50 yards away from the building.
Take an elevator to the third floor.
Unlock my office door.
Simple, right? NOT FOR ME.
Get Em off...
Friday, April 17, 2015
A favorite story from Emerson's younger childhood
AUGUSTA, GA. - I've told this story hundreds of times, but I love it, so I'm going to share it again.
We took Emerson down to Disney World when she was maybe 2 years old. She was great the whole trip. No issues.
Except when it came to sleeping...
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
You don't make any cents
AUGUSTA, GA - So, funny story, I was at Aldi and putting my cart back. Of course, it requires you to deposit a quarter to get it.
This grandmother is walking up, and she has her toddler granddaughter on her hip. Her hands are full....
Wednesday, April 01, 2015
Why you need to get out of my daughter's way and let her do her thing
AUGUSTA, GA. - My daughter can do anything. Let's just get that out of the way right now. She can fly a spaceship, she can command a warship, she can negotiate peace treaties, she can stay at home with her children full-time, she can minister to...
Monday, March 30, 2015
Trying is the hardest part
AUGUSTA, GA - Emerson has been throwing me attitude and dragging her feet all morning. I finally get her in the car to go to school.
"Okay, Em, spill it. What's eating at you this morning?"
She casts her eyes downward. "I'm really nervous."
"About...
