Momnesia

Emerson: Mom, can I take some of your makeup?

Me: Where?

Emerson: To Atlanta.

Me: Why?

Emerson: Because I don't even hardly have any makeup.

Me: That's because you're nine years old, Emerson. No, you can't take my makeup.

AUGUSTA, GA - Emerson's social studies teacher is probably exasperated by her at this point in the school year. Every time she comes home with a new event to share with me, it's like I just HAVE to tell her it's a big lie. I don't know what my freaking problem is.

It started in preschool, when she came home and cheerfully told me all about George Washington and the cherry tree.

"You know he probably didn't actually chop down a cherry tree, right, Emerson?" I asked.

Judging by the look on her face, she clearly did not.

We had a discussion about myths and legends, and then after much precocious logic from her 4-year-old brain, I conceded that it was possible that George Washington had, in fact, chopped down the cherry tree and told the truth about it. I am not trying to back her into an existential crisis. I just want her to think critically about things, and she did. So I conceded her point.

But I planted a seed of doubt. So over the years, she has sometimes asked, "Do you think that's true, or a myth?" And I would give her an honest answer. We struck down the Disney princesses pretty darn quickly, for example. Ha. Take that, patriarchy. But sometimes she tries to reason through things and comes to some questionable conclusions, like the idea that Einstein was somehow an evil scientist.

"Mom, we have homework about Columbus Day," she told me. "We have to write a poem, and answer these questions."

"Hmm," I thought. "What rhymes with 'genocide?'"




We got through the poem, but I decided that it was a perfect time to introduce to her the idea that what she's taught comes from a certain perspective.

"Em, you realize that Columbus didn't actually discover America, right?"

"I know," she sighed, sensing a lecture. "He discovered the Minican Public."

"The Dominican Republic?"

"Yeah, that," she glared at me. "But, mom, he might not have discovered America, but we still didn't even know the DOminican REpublic was there before he found it."

"Well... who's we?" I asked.

"America!" she snapped, exasperated. And then stopped, eyes widening. "Wait a minute! If he discovered America, then there weren't any Americans yet."

"Exactly," I said. "So, who's 'we?'"

"I don't know," she frowned.

"So you know where Europe is, right?" I asked. She frowned, so I explained, using language she knows. "It's like where England is, and Harry Potter, and your Aunt Natalya in Germany, and Paris, France, with the Eiffel Tower - and a bunch of other countries that make up the whole continent called Europe."

She brightened. "Oh! Yes! And Spain, where they speak Spanish! And... the country that has the trees that make the wine lids...?"

LOL! I had told her about the cork industry in Portugal after watching a segment about it on "CBS Sunday Morning."

"Perfect, yes. Okay, so you know what the word 'centric' means? It means like the focus of things. So, when you say 'we didn't know where it was,' you meant people from Europe. But we're not from Europe. So that's what's called a 'Eurocentric' point of view."

"But... so... wait... what else would the focus be on? We all came from Europe."

"But we didn't all come from Europe, did we? Is your friend, Rachel, from Europe? No. Is your friend, Eduardo, from Europe? Nope. And, the thing is, Emerson, is that we're not from Europe."

Her eyebrows went up. "Yeah, we're from America! But... wait, didn't our old family come from Europe?"

"Well, that depends. How far back do you want to go when you're talking about family?"

"A hundred years!" she crossed her arms at me, smugly.

"America. And some members of our family were Native Americans, who definitely were not from Europe."

"Okay, two hundred years."

"Still America."

This sent her reeling.





Two hundred years is an awful long time to a fourth grader. She mused for a moment.

"Five hundred years?"

"Some of our family is in Europe - in Ireland, to be precise, on my side. I don't know about your dad's side. But if we keep going all the way back to the beginning, where would we be?"

"Uh... I don't know."

"Well, if we keep following back and back and back, through all the families throughout human time, where do we start?" I asked.

"Uh... Europe?"

"Africa."

"Really?!"

"Yep. The oldest human remains have been found in Africa. Right now, science thinks that is where humans started, millions of years ago. But let's back up a little bit. We already know there were people here when Columbus arrived, right?"

"Right."

"So... how did he discover it, when it was already known?"

"But he discovered it for Europe."

"Ehhhh... there's actually some debate over that. Turns out that the Vikings may have been here first. And they're from Europe."

"The Vikings were super duper a long time ago! That's awesome!"

"Right? It is. They were master sailors, the Vikings. But... imagine this: Do you think there were explorers in other places? Like, maybe Asia?"

"Yeah! I bet there were! And maybe Africa, too! And maybe even the North Pole!"

Side note: My 9-year-old totally still believes in Santa Claus.




"Right. So... where are their stories?"

She frowned. "I don't know."

"So, the thing is, they all had their explorers and adventurers. But we don't hear about them. Because we focus on stories from Europe. But there are lots of other stories, from lots of other people. In fact, scientists think that a Chinese explorer might have actually been the first one to sail around the whole world."

"From China?! Oh my gosh! That's so freaking cool!"

"It is! Think about how many stories there are out there that you don't even know. And everyone has a story. Every country, every city, every person."

"So... wait. If Christopher Columbus didn't discover America, why do we say that he did?" she asked.

It's a great question. And it's where things could have gone off the rails. Well... further off the rails. I had a very tenuous control of this conversation.

"So, a couple of reasons. First, this is what people were told for a long time, before science knew it was different. And it takes a really long time to change textbooks," I said. "Second, we talked about how myths are powerful, and people believe them and pass them on. Everyone agrees to it. And changing everyone's mind at once is almost impossible."

She laughed. "I can't even get you to change dinner!"

LOL! She had not enjoyed my experimental dish the night before. Lesson learned.

"True," I sighed. "Sorry about dinner. But let's think about this for a minute. What was he trying to do?"

"Discover a way to India to get more spices."

"Okay. Did he do that?"

"Nope."

"What did he find?"

"Land? But not gold. His crew was upset they didn't find gold."

"And what did he take back to Europe with him?"

Her eyes widened. "Slaves."

"Right."

"That's horrible. You can't own people. We don't even own Sweetiebelle, and she's just a cat."

I guffaw. Sweetiebelle has definitely trained us, and not the other way around.

"So, how could we celebrate a man who stole people and sold them as slaves? We couldn't, could we?"

"No," she said, sadly.

"Unless we made him out to be an amazingly great man. Like an explorer. Who discovered a whole new world."



She looked at me, with total seriousness. "So we... lie?"

"I wouldn't say they're lies. I'd say they're not the whole story. At the time he did it, they really did think he had discovered a new world. And many people really did think it was okay to own slaves. The important thing, though, isn't even whether or not he discovered America. The important thing is that you think about what you're learning. Just think about it. And ask questions."

"Okay... but mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I can put all that on my homework sheet. The question says: Who discovered America? What do I put? The Chinese guy?"

I put my head down on the table and laughed until I almost threw up. I may have taken her question too seriously. By a lot.

"Just put Christopher Columbus, Em. Respect what the teacher is telling you, and respect the teacher. But know that there's always more to the story."

AUGUSTA, GA. -

Me: "Okay, I gotta run. I have a meeting in ten minutes."

R.H.: "Okay, then."

Me: "Ten minutes? No, 14 minutes. But I still gotta run."

R.H.: "Just not quite as fast."

Me: "... Dork. Bye."

R.H.: [too busy laughing to respond]

AUGUSTA, GA. - R.H. was coming over after work, so I cooked dinner. But I didn't have time to defrost and blah blah some fancyness, so I overcompensated for the lack of fancy by making a salad, Zatarain's jamabalaya, and a big pot of Greek lemon-chicken soup. The soup involved parboiling a chicken and making homemade stock, deboning that chicken, chopping vegetables,

"Mmm, this is good," he said. And I glowed with pride.

"It tastes like Campbell's chicken and stars."



Awesome. Three and a half hours of careful cooking, and I could have just opened a can.

AUGUSTA, GA - My daughter has a very intense best-friendship. I love her little friend almost like my own child, and I'm glad the two of them have such a beautiful relationship. They're very caring and polite to one another, have a lot of fun, and make a lot of messes that they both help clean up. K recently turned 11, and I didn't have enough warning to order her gift online and have it arrive in time for her party.

I was desperate to find the doll she wanted. But I didn't realize it was a fool's errand. K latched onto Bratzilla dolls at a time when the company is apparently pulling them from the shelves, since they never did very well against Monster High dolls. I tried to find her the one she wanted, and couldn't. They're pretty much only on eBay. So I made a last-ditch effort to call around town to see if anyone had it.

A quick summary: Know what kind of customer service you can expect when you visit a retailer. For today's purposes, Target wins customer service, Walmart is pretty much what you expect. Toys R Us was a surprise. But if my experiences are indicative of the status quo, how the heck is Kmart even still in business?

Toys R Us, Wrightsboro Road

TRU: "Thank you for calling Toys R Us. My name is L, how may I help you?"

Me: "Hi, L. My name is Stacey. My daughter's best friend is having a birthday, and I'm having trouble finding the doll she wants. I wonder if you might have it in stock."

TRU: "Sure, just a second and I'll look for you." [puts me on hold.]

Me [talking to no one, since I'm now on hold]: "But... I didn't tell you what the toy was..."

Total running call time: 5 minutes 27 seconds.

TRU: [picks up phone, puts phone back on hold again without acknowledging me]

Total running call time: 10 minutes 49 seconds

TRU: "Hi, ma'am, you were holding for the tablet, right?"

Me: "No, ma'am, I'm looking for the Bratzilla Meygana Broomstix doll."

TRU: "You're not holding for the tablet?"

Me: "No, ma'am, I never got a chance to tell the representative what I was looking for."

TRU: "So, what are you looking for?"

Me: "The Bratzilla Meygana Broomstix doll."

TRU: "What is it again?"

Me: "It's the Bratzilla Meygana M-e-y-g-a-n-a Broomstix B-r-o-o-m-s-t-i-x doll."

TRU: "Okay, let me check."

Me: "Thank you."

Total running call time: 13 minutes 54 seconds.

TRU [a new voice picks up the phone]: "Thank you for holding. What were you holding for?"

Me: "Um... The Bratzilla Meygana Broomstix doll?"

TRU: "Okay, hold please."

Total running call time: 14 minutes and 40 seconds.

TRU [first rep returns]: "Ma'am? We did check and we do not have that doll."

Me: "Thank you very much for checking. Have a nice day."

TRU: "You, too."

Total running call time: 14 minutes and 50 seconds.

Target - Evans location

Target: "Target Evans, may I help you find something?"

Me: "Yes, please, I'm looking for the Bratzilla Meygana Broomstix doll."

Target: "The - what? Is this a Bratz doll?"

Me: [laughing]: "Yeah, it's kind of a take-off of the Monster High dolls. It's super dumb, but my daughter really wants to get it for her friend's birthday."

Target: "Okay, let me check for you."

Total running call time: 3 minutes, 27 seconds.

Target: "Ma'am, I looked in our system, and none of the Bratz dolls are in it, so I don't think we have it."

Me: "You don't carry any Bratz dolls?" [My first indication that the dolls weren't being sold anymore.]

Target: "No, ma'am."

Me: "Wow, okay, well, thank you so much for checking."

Target: "You're very welcome."

Total running call time: 3 minutes, 36 seconds.

Target - Augusta Exchange location

Target: "Target Evans, may I help you find something?"

Me: "Hi, thanks. I'm hoping that you might have the Bratzilla dolls."

Target: "Sure, one moment."

Target [apparently I was transferred, but the call was answered immediately]: "Toys, may I help you find something?"

Me: "Yes, ma'am, please. I'm looking for the Bratzilla Meygana Broomstix doll. Do you carry it?"

Target: "Let me check in the system. I am looking to see if we still carry the Bratz dolls, because I haven't seen any around in a while."

Me: "Thank you for checking."

Target: "Yeah, the system is showing that it is online-only. We don't carry them in the store."

Me: "Thank you for checking. Have a great day!"

Total running call time: 2 minutes 21 seconds.

Walmart - Bobby Jones Expressway

AUGUSTA, GA - I got home last week and there was a huge box of stuff from #Campbells and #Crowdtap. Yesterday, during my usual Sunday cook-fest, during which I make a couple of dishes in advance for the week, I gave the Campbell's Skillet Sauce in Creamy Parmesan Chicken flavor a try.

I already had half a roasted chicken languishing unused in the fridge, so I just pulled it apart and heated it in the skillet with a little bit of olive oil. Then I poured in the sauce and brought it to a boil. It's supposed to be just that easy.



Then I took a bite...

Y'all. No. Do not do this to yourself, or to your family.

It was way too salty, and I could actually taste the preservatives. I don't know what their market research panelists told them, but it was entirely inedible.

I know it's difficult to offer tasty, high-quality, shelf-stable food, and I applaud Campbell's for their effort. The ingredients within the package include Dehydrated Whey, Disodium Phosphate, Yeast Extract, Sodium Phosphate, Anhydrous Milkfat, and two ingredients just nebulously titled "flavoring" and "enzymes." I don't usually worry about those kinds of things, but when these ingredients are the primary terroir, I cringe.

I set about trying to save it. Luckily, I had just gone to the grocery store. I simmered some garlic in heavy cream, with a dash of chicken consomme, and whisked it in with the Campell's Skillet Sauce and chicken. Much better. Actually, pretty good. Over pasta, it should work.

The thing is that these sauce pouches are supposed to be edible as they are. They are not supposed to need repair.

I can't review the other five sauces in their product line. But if the Creamy Parmesan Chicken is any gauge of their quality, steer clear. Unless you are the kind of person who likes to eat that nuclear orange fake cheese powder straight out of the can, it's not worth to pay $2 for a sauce you will just have to "fix" in your skillet - with another $2 worth of products you could have used to create your own delicious sauce, from scratch.

This being 'gourmet' cheese powder, maybe I underestimate its quality.