Tuesday, September 03, 2013
Too much Lisa Frank in grade school
"Mama? Would you like to be a unicorn?" Emerson asked me.
"Heck, yeah, because then I could stab bad guys with my head," I laughed.
"Dat's not berry nice, Mama," she chided, and then grinned: "But it IS funny."
...
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Emerson responds to the death of Neil Armstrong
Me: "Aw, so sad. Neil Armstrong died."
Emerson: "Oh, that is sad. He was one of our first moonwalkers."
Me: "Yep. Do you remember what he said on the moon?"
Emerson: "No...?"
Me: "He said, 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
Emerson:...
Monday, August 05, 2013
Downtown stupidity
Me: People downtown Augusta are stupid as all get out at 2 a.m. How had I forgotten
this?
Coworker: I don't
really think there's any place where groups of people aren't stupid at 2 a.m.
Me: A Mensa
convention?
...
Friday, July 19, 2013
Multiculturalism might have missed him
Co-worker: Is the intern French?
Me: She's from Brazil, but her parents are Japanese.
Co-worker: So, French, basically.
Me: Or... not at
ALL French.
...
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Get off my... square of land that has no grass whatsoever
Let me tell you people about how annoyingly old and curmudgeonly I have become.
I just called the cops on a couple of college students signing people up for newspaper subscriptions. Thanks, Morris Communications, for unleashing their legendary...
Friday, May 24, 2013
I am jealous of my 8-year-old's life!
Emerson talked to my mom last night.
Mom: So, what did you do today?
Emerson: "Wull, I won four awards at school, because I am like a PRO at that, and then we went to tha store, then we went to tha ribber, and I climbed aaaaaalll ober da waterfalls...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Imaginary friends are the best kind
Alice: "You doing anything tomorrow night?"
Me: "I might manually declaw my cat. Why?"
Alice: "Want to come to my book club?"
Me: "Sure. What book should I pretend to have read?"
Alice: "'Run,' by Ann Patchett."
Me: "Cool. I need to do...
Friday, May 17, 2013
The Homeless Man in My Attic - A True Story
So, last night, I went to wake Emerson as part of the new no-bed-wetting ritual. It was 2 a.m., and she was like a furious bunny, hopping around in anger. That was fun.
Between her and the now-excited cat, I was wide awake. So I started to go downstairs......
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The colonies are quite rowdy today
From: Stupid American
To: British Beauty
Re: England is pissing me off
I do not understand how your counties and stuff are put together. What is an "ex," and why are there esses and wesses of them? And what's the difference between a shire and...
Friday, February 15, 2013
The IT Crowd
Me: I think we have a meeting where we're going to brainstorm all the awesome things
we want you guys to make our database do, as if by magic, because, of course, we have
no idea how you make it work.
IT Genius: Haha, sounds good. I think email...
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Can openers are essential office supplies
A.A.: Do you think anyone will notice if I took this can opener home for half an hour?
Me: Well, since I donated that to the office, I say it's fine. I give you permission.
A.A.: Oh, cool. I don't have a can opener at home.
Me: Well, then,...
