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Friday, October 21, 2011

Things I Will Do After the Rapture/Apocalypse - International Edition

Today is The Rapture, according to National Crazypants Association President Harold Camping. He had declared the rapture was coming back in May, but he has moved it to today. There was a conflict with his sanity knitting circle meetings, or something.

Whenever the Rapture comes - if ever? - let's face it: I'll probably still be stuck here on earth with some really fun but spiritually bankrupt people. So I'm revisiting the things I would like to do after the second coming. Here's the international wish list. You can also read the list for Augusta, Ga., and the list for the United States. In the meantime, I'm off to stock up on supplies. Does anyone know how long penicillin will keep?

And, hey, left-behinds, don't pout. There are advantages to being one of the not-chosen - no TSA pat-down, for one.

Get it? Because they're flying? To heaven? ... oh, nevermind.

Score a goal at Bell Centre in Montreal. Pour a bottle of maple syrup over my teammates' heads in celebration.

Fight a jaguar in the Yucatan.

Crying will not save you, feline!

Burn down all the tobacco fields in Cuba. I don't care if it is The Rapture. Smoking is just stupid.

Select my choice of lovely home decor items from the Louvre.

Go off-roading in the Popemobile; he won't need it anymore, right?

Crown myself Queen of England. First order of business: Market and export the fine delicacies of the country, like mushy peas and spotted dick. Hey, it's the apocalypse. People are hungry.

Play dominoes with Stonehenge.

Dancing Druids sold separately.
Sing karaoke in the Coliseum. Are you not entertained?!

Turn Trevi Fountain into a chocolate fountain. Adds instant class to any post-apocalyptic gathering!

Take a giant bubble bath in Reykjavik's Blue Lagoon.

Host a black tie ball at Chile's Humboldt Penguin National Reserve.

Make a Christmas tree out of one of the temples at Angor Wat. Wait... will we have Christmas after the rapture? Jesus, don't take Santa!

Kick down the columns in the Parthenon, screaming "This... is Sparta!" Even though it's in Athens... whatever.

Finally, I'm going to keep a keen eye on anyone named Nicolae Carpathia. Every book or movie about the rapture gives the Antichrist approximately the same name. You'd think he'd change it, but I guess if his cover is already blown, there's no way to refill Pandora's box.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed this list. Feel free to share you own ideas. And have a nice Tribulation!


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