Momnesia

Brainstorming a Little Geniusness

AUGUSTA, GA. - A.C. called me today and told me how she is livid because she's 73 months pregnant and can't hardly get anywhere without a winch and a Sherpa. But worst of all? People keep touching her belly! Strangers! Complete strangers stop her in the store and feel her up! Can you believe it?!

That outrage was sarcasm. EVERY pregnant woman is accosted in public places by complete strangers. Only very few of them are complete pervs. The rest are crazy ladies with baby envy. Sometimes it feels like they're asking you questions that seem innocuous so that they can profile you, stalk you, and follow you home to cut the baby out of your still-living body, then eat your liver right in front of you. But that so rarely happens. Don't worry.

Anyhoodle, I told A.C. that we should just make her a t-shirt that says:
But then I had a brilliant idea: "Why don't you just hire M.C. Hammer? I hear he's looking for work."

Seriously, think about what an awesome publicity stunt this would be for someone who could afford it: M.C. Hammer acts as assistant/bodyguard, and whenever anyone approaches a waddling babymaker, he throws himself in front of the pregnant lady: "Can't touch this..." dum, dada, dum, dadum, dadum! And then he can Hammer-Dance little circles around her, like a force field.

When M.C. Hammer was but a wee blog newbie, I stumbled across his blogspot site while covering the funeral of James Brown. Hammer was in town to pay his respects. He actually e-mailed me back when I contacted him through his site. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Hammer, if you're out there, protecting the pregnant, please.... don't hurt 'em.

Hammer on the Arsenio Hall Show. Don't care what you say about him, he reminds me of James Brown, the way he works a performance.


His inspiration reaches far and white: