Momnesia

Proof that we watch way too much Harry f-ing Potter in our house surfaced today, when my 23-month-old daughter requested "Hey Pah-Pah" and I popped in "The Chamber of Secrets" (or, as my brother called them when he was three years old, "see-cruds").

When the scene where Harry Potter arrives at the Weasley's house came on, Emerson stood up to watch it. Julie Walters bursts in as Molly Weasley: "Where HAVE you been?!"
-"bin!" Emerson chimes in, grinning at me, palms up inquisitively.
What the hell?

"No note! Car gone!" Walters half-shrieks.
"No noh! Cah goh!" Emerson mimics, hands on her hips.
Oh, god.

"You could have died! ("diyah!") You could have been seen!" ("seeeeend!")
"They were starving him, Mom. There were bars on his windows," her on-screen son replies. "Deys a bar on da weeennow!" Emerson echoes, then turns to me and begins to shake her finger back and forth.
(groan)

"You best hope that I don't put bars on your windows, Ronald Weasley!" Walters-as-Weasley finishes triumphantly.
"Yooo binna habba duhbuh weeenow!" Emerson warns me. "Ohr, tiyam out!"
Well, at least she understand the consequences of misbehaving: the dreaded time-out.

James Brown died on Christmas Day, and because Scott and I both work in the media, it has turned our lives upside down. It's been non-stop 15-hour days since then. We've been trying to figure out where all the celebs are staying - Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, Dan Akroyd, John Goodman, Eddie Murphy, and Patti la Belle are just some of the names - without much luck. But today, all the work paid off because MC HAMMER IS IN AUGUSTA!!!

These are pictures from our office "Christmas tree." It was weeks before there were ornaments, so Abbi improvised. Here are her pictures.

Thanks to Lillie Morris for these words of wisdom:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intentiwon of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, egg nog in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO! What a ride!"

Emerson is in her mimicry phase. Everything we do, she wants to do, too. Is Dada shaving his face? You can be sure to find her perched on her little chair, reaching for his electric razor, just a few minute after he finishes. Is Mama cooking? Emerson will help by bringing random ingredients from the refrigerator. Macaroni and cheese with grape jelly, anyone? Really, we have plenty.

She wears our shoes and shuffles around the house. She envelopes her head in Scott's baseball caps so that she can't see where she is going. She points imperiously to the dog and shouts, "No, Rara!" whenever there is food nearby. He likes to steal it and run off laughing. Yes, our dog laughs. Do not question this if you have not met him. He's a little trickster.

This morning took the cake. While following me around the house, watching me get ready, she freaked out when I started to put on my panties and then she ran into the kitchen. I followed her to see what she was doing.

There she was on the linoleum floor, pulling on a pair of underwear from the clothes hamper. It took her a while to figure out how to get them on straight, arrange her legs properly, and stand up. When she did, it was golden. She was so proud with them pulled up to her armpits over her footie pajamas, grinning, shuffling towards me like an old man while holding them up. "Fwowers!" she said, pointing to the lace arrangement, while I died laughing. "Very good!" I choked out. "Flowers!" She clapped her hands and shuffled off, a victim of emulation being sometimes not so flattering.

Emerson is not quite two years old, and she's doing her best to communicate. But sometimes we still have to intuit what she intends to say. Here are some of the words she uses and their sometimes "smurfy" meanings.

P.I. Go - piggyback ride
bedai – raisins
beebobai – drink, from the Spanish "bebida"
cocks – socks – that’s an unfortunate misnomer that I wish I could change. She doesn’t seem to be responding to my efforts.
buh - peanut butter
pee-buh - jelly
nak - snack
hey pah-pah - Harry Potter
carshee - either "car" or "carseat," used interchangeably
eye-sigh baby - Baby Einstein
eye-sigh baby e-i-o - The Baby Einstein Old McDonald
boot – book
soos – shoes
kees – cheese
see-rall – cereal
ehfant – elephant
hi-fi – high five
one, two, fee, fohw, fie, seben, seben, eight, nigh, ten, leben, teh, firtee
NAH! Absolutely not.
Si – yes
Doh-doh – dog
Oh-so – bear (the Spanish word)
Rarah – our dog, Scrabble
Sawee – sorry
Moosh – kiss
Hot – hot
Hot – bright
Hot – warm
Hot – the stove at all times
Hot – any meal placed in front of her
Hot – the microwave
Hot – cold
Hot – coffee
Hot – painful
Up-and-down - stairs
poppers - crackers

I'm having one of those days where I might as well chop off my own head because everything I say and do makes me seem like an asshole.

First, I forgot I was supposed to take the baby in this morning because my husband was on the morning radio show.
Then, as I was getting Emerson out of her car seat at the day care center, I failed to properly unlatch one of the straps and about yanked her leg off taking her out of the car.
After, as I was putting her diaper bag in her cubby and her sippy cup in the fridge, I stepped on another child's foot.
When I stepped on that child's foot, I jumped back and knocked over Emerson, who was following me around the room.
I stopped by a fast food joint to get a soda because now I really needed caffeine, and as I was paying for my order, I dropped the debit card out of the window.
I got out of the car to get the debit card. As I was standing back up with it, the cashier opened the window and banged my forehead.
I almost choked on the first swallow of soda because at 33 years old I am still apparently learning to control my esophagus. While coughing, I hit my already-bruised head on the door frame.
I drove into work without incident and found a spot close to the entrance.
I got to my desk and realized that I'd forgotten to pay the day care center this morning. Doh!
Then I remembered that the car insurance is due this week.
Then I remembered that I left my coat at home and the office is freezing.
Then I remembered that I was supposed to get up earlier this morning to finish my stories because we're on an early holiday deadline.
As I was finishing my stories, the phone rang. It was the local rabbi reminding me that we'd scheduled a meeting this morning.
"Oh, God," I exclaimed, mortified.
"Well, that's prayerful," he replied, with a laugh.
Mentally, I banged my head against the table while we tried to find a time to meet.
He said he'd call me back.
I put stories in the wrong folders on the server all morning and had to go searching for them.
Ditto for photos.
Finally, it was lunchtime.
I went to pick it up and magically found a parking space right near the door - no small feat in downtown - and went inside to find that the order was ready, and there was no line. Amazing!
When we got the boxes open at the office, the food was all wrong. I don't know what they gave me, but it certainly wasn't what I had ordered.
While I was eating my suspect meal, my husband called to tell me that his most recent story had caused "a shit storm." But not to worry! His boss was going to purchase him a bulletproof vest.
(sigh)
I'm just waiting to see what happens next.

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN- Vandals tried to set fire to a giant straw goat in central Sweden but failed to burn down the traditional Christmas monument, which has been soaked with flame-resistant chemicals, officials said Friday.

These are Emerson's Halloween pictures. She's so adorable, but so very angry. She is...

THE. CHiCKEN. OF. FURYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

There was a party at her day care, a little Halloween parade, and all of the children were supposed to hold on to a rope and follow the teacher around the gym while all of the ridiculous parents cooed and chucked candy at their addled little noggins.

Not the Chicken of Fury. The Chicken of Fury wasn't having any of this bullshit and went on a rampage, running away from her teachers and throwing herself on the floor in front of everyone, whining and stiffening her body in the way that children can magically add 40 pounds to their tiny little bodies. I broke ranks and scooped her up, plying her with candy and smooches. She never once smiled. She was too furious.

Ah, co-workers... You spend 40 hours a week with them, and then they want you to go drinking on the weekend. What is this torture?

Oh, hey. Look at me in the background, not objecting or anything... Hmm.

That's Betsy in front, our new Creative Director, being her smiley, awesome self. Great party, Betsy and Ed!

Another one! Will the onslaught never cease?!

(Thanks for the picture, Joe, but did you have to chew on it before you took the shot? Nasty!)

Possibly the Greatest Christmas CD Ever Made! Buy it NOW!

Warning: This is possibly the scariest idea from a so-called "Gift Guide" that I have ever seen.

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Kinetic Mesh Active
Slip Brief 3051
by C-IN2







<------ AAAAHHHHH!

Every day for the last 6 months, I have found a discarded chicken bone on the sidewalk outside of our offices. I am thinking either a really fast cat manages to take down pigeons on a regular basis, - which makes it not-chicken-wings-at-all - or somebody upstairs is chucking refuse at our heads as we leave the building.

(DISCLAIMER: Men, you might want to turn away from this post.)

So I was bitching about my tampons today. (Hey, I warned you guys!)
"Geez! I just went to the bathroom at home!" I stomp, irritated that - while hooray for getting my period from a reproductive standpoint - my day will be continually interrupted because the tampons I decided to try SUCK.

A. nods.
"Is that just too much information?" I ask, apolegetically.
"No, actually, it's good to know," she replies.
"Oh, great, well then, don't ever buy the tampon that I'm using."
"You know what's good are the sport tampons," she says, earnestly. I'm not sure if she realizes how hilarious that sounds.

Sport tampons. Tampons for the active period in your life, like, when my uterus is engaging in a rousing match on the tennis court. Please. My uterus is more likely to engage in a rousing nap on the couch. I assume what makes them sporty is their absorbancy, and not their aerodynamics, or something like that. Hopefully not their design, or something like they come in the colors of your favorite sports teams, 'cause who would see them?
"I'm a Steelers fan!"
"Oh, yeah, prove it!"
"Okay, look!"
"GAAAHHHH! My eyes!"

But I can see how someone doing something crazy like running a triathalon (Hi, Jim! Yes, I said it was crazy! There is simply no reason to run, swim or bike with such haste, unless someone is doing the same behind you with a knife. And screaming. And the screaming is your name. And there is no one else with the same name anywhere near you. Only then should there be hasty exercise. Which is how my ass got this way, and why you have the lovely wife that you do. And now that I am actively competing with Virginia Woolf for longest parenthetical statement ever written, I shall continue) would require sporty tampons. I mean, there can be few non-lethal things worse than having labored for however long such self-torture takes, only to cross the finish line and think, "I have that not-so-fresh feeling."

So, hooray for sport tampons.

The Metro Spirit is looking for the best, funniest, and most interesting predictions for 2007. Meterologist Jeff Rucker may be right, but he has nothing on us. We won't spare anyone or anything in our quest to make this the best and most accurate forecast ever. Answer just eight short questions and you can win EIGHT (8) seats to the Augusta Symphony's Columbia County Music Series Concert on Saturday, January 25, 2007, at 7:30 p.m. That's one seat per question! Just follow the quiz and have fun! Click here to take survey

Alright. I took the accompanying photo off at a very reasonable request. But I'm still going to tell a portion of the "tail."

There is an ad that has been running for three weeks that advertised "She-Crap Soup" instead of "She-Crab Soup." I won't name the publication, because it's almost 100% awesome. But it's still funny.