Momnesia

Me: And do we have any questions about the menu?
Guy (looking like he smells something bad): No.
Me (thinking: uh-oh): Great! What would we like to order?
Guy (sighing heavily): Do you have a meal with chicken fingers and hot wings?
Me (antsy, because I have another table to greet): No, sir. But we do have the adult chicken tenders platter, which comes with a side item and a salad.
Guy (looking back and forth across the menu, as though hoping something will just LEAP out at him): But you don't have anything with both of them on it?
Me (What did I just say? I turn and nod to the table behind me, so that they know I see them): No, sir. But the chicken fingers appetizer comes with fries, and although the hot wings appetizer comes with chips, we can substitute fries for a small up-charge.
Guy (sighing heavily): I don't know what to do. See, I want chicken fingers, but I also want hot wings.
Me (having a sudden inspiration): Well, you could get the chicken fingers platter, and we can coat them in the hot wing sauce. Then it would be like boneless buffalo wings.

Guy looks at me like I'm crazy. There's a moment of silence.

Me (oooo-kay, then. I close my order book): Well, just an idea. Why don't I give you another minute or so to look over the menu?
Guy (raising his hand): No, no, no, no, no! We're ready to order.
Me (opening my book again): Great! What have we decided?
Guy (sighing heavily): Well, I really want the chicken fingers, but I also want hot wings.

Oh. My. God.

Me: So, what's the solution, do you think?

How about pick one and live with it?

Guy: Well, if I get the chicken fingers platter, can I get potato skins instead of fries?
Me (You want an entire appetizer substituted for a side item?): No, sir. But we can do a side of cheese fries with bacon and sour cream or ranch dressing for a small up-charge. It's almost the same.
Guy (shaking his head): No. It's totally different

No, actually, it's not.

Guy: How about an order of chicken fingers, and an order of hot wings. But I want fries.
Me: Well, the chicken fingers appetizer already comes with fries. Did you want more fries?
Guy: Well, if you can just sneak them into the basket with the hot wings...

I just walk away. Later, as I bring out the two appetizers he ordered, and the steak his date ordered...

Guy (look up, incredulous, and says loudly): It only comes with three chicken fingers?!
Me (realizing that other guests are looking at us): Yes, sir. It's the appetizer basket. But it also comes with a side of fries.

He sighs heavily. Dear god. Will you grow the fuck up and stop with the dramatics?

Guy: But, only three?
Me: Yes, sir. Do you guys need anything else to go with your entrees? Worcester sauce, Heinz 57...?

Guy is picking up his chicken fingers, looking at each one, and tossing them back into the basket, like a four-year-old.

His date: How much would it be for just two chicken fingers?
Me: Let me go see what I can do.
Guy (sipping a Roadhouse Tea): Do I get to keep this glass?
Me (Giving him a look that I hope says, "Is there anything else you don't want to pay for?"): No.