Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Man Make Fire
On News Channel 12’s evening news tonight, they were covering the story of a fire that totaled a home: “Investigators say that the fire started in a wood-burning stove.”Isn’t that like saying the fire started in the fireplace? That’s what a wood-burning...
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Out of the Mouths of Jackasses
I was talking to my brother about some quasi-racist statement that he made. I knew that to contradict him would start an argument.Me: Well, I don't know that I necessarily agree with you on that.Bro (defiantly): I think there's more evidence for it...
Out of the mouths of babes
We took the sonogram video to my parents’ house on Dad’s birthday. Jacob, my seven-year-old nephew, was very excited, even though he really wanted her to be a boy.We watched the grainy, black-and-white footage of the baby, looking for all the world...
Friday, December 24, 2004
Dog is my co-pilot
Seen on the license plate of a Toyota Highlander registered in Columbia County: “GODZSUV”I’ve never had the urge to ram my car into the back of another one, but just then....
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Christmas with the Krankies
My husband's parents go to First Baptist Church. It’s not my favorite place to be. First of all, any church where the deacons get into fistfights is not my kind of place. Second of all, I detect a higher-than-average portion of people who attend for...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Hey, Jealousy...
<> My husband has always been fearless. While it hasn’t always served him well, I regret that I will never have stories that begin with “So, when I was 8, my grandfather decided it was time I learned how to drive,” and “Yeah, I think it was the...
Monday, December 20, 2004
Holly Jolly, by golly
Scott’s grandparents gave us a little Christmas angel salt-and-pepper shaker set. We don’t have any Christmas decorations because - well, because we’re not Christian. The shakers were cute in a Precious Moments kind of way - which is to say they made...
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Dog Dilemma
Barkley, is out of control. He chews. He poops. He pees. I dog-proofed the house, take him outside more frequently... nothing changes.Mainly, though, he barks at top volumne. We’ve tried telling him “No!” To which he replies “RrrrrUUUUUFF!” We’ve tried...
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Underdog
The dogs' favorite things to eat are: toilet paper, paper towels, and the cardboard holders for those. Tonight, we finished eating dinner and Barkley was trying to get to the paper towel on Scott's tray table. A mere two feet away, the paper towel was...
Friday, December 17, 2004
Not a Way To Get a Raise
Boss: I’ll be back shortly. They’re opening a new furniture store downtown, and I’m going to the ceremony.Me: Are you going to cut the ribbon?Boss: Uh, sure.Me: Don’t forget your tiar...
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Dunlap's disease
At last Wednesday's doctor visit, the OB detected an irregular heartbeat. Since Scott has a heart murmur, it was cause for concern. So I returned on Monday for three fun-filled hours of things shoved into my body (hey.. that's how I got this way!)....
Tai One On
We're planning a "serenity series" in the gardens, and my intern was calling around asking about yoga and tai chi instructors. She got a lady at an physical rehabilitation clinic who was rude and combative.Lady: "So, you're going to have the classes......
Fingers Too Frozen To Type
One of the visitor specialists at work neglected to turn on the heat before he left last night, so it's 48 degrees in the office. I've been working in a coat, scarf, and gloves all morning - and I can't feel my toes. I called him at 8:30 to wake him...
Sunday, December 12, 2004
I hate maternity clothes
Okay, I’ll admit it: I’ve never been cool. I can’t match clothes more complicated than Grrranimals. But why do maternity clothes “designers” get their inspiration from Volvo? I’m wearing this shirt - yes, the same one I bitched about earlier - and I...
Buyer's regret
I bought a maternity shirt that fits well, and is as flattering as a maternity shirt can be. Now think the shirt looks like something polyester that my grandmother might wear. Scott insists that he really likes it. So I'm keeping it, and getting used...
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I'm just really mean at heart
<>So, Scott and I watch "Jeapardy!" a lot, because we're nerds. In fact, we're old, married nerds, which is even worse. Competing was a chick from Warrenton, Ga., which is right down the road from us. This lady was devoid of personality, wit,...
Bad Mommy
So I bought the shock collar.I put it on Barkley and Scott and I waited. He RUFFED around the house for a few hours before I finally said, "Honey, I don't think it's working." Turns out the battery was in wrong. More waiting.Then, it was time to go...
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Munch
Scott: You're just too easy. Like that lady at Petsmart that day. I would have turned around and said, "Shut up!"
Me: Yeah, I couldn't believe that (mimicking lady in line, huffy and patronizing): "I can't believe you docked your dog's tail!" (returning...
Friday, December 03, 2004
Ch-ch-ch-changes
I fret constantly over the semi-permanence of the physical changes a pregnancy brings on. I didn’t know how vain I was until lately. I worry that I’ll never lose the 20 lbs I’ve gained, that Scott will no longer find me attractive, that the stretch...
