Momnesia

Pregnancy Scare

Scott and I are at lunch today. It's a beautiful day and we'd planned to take a picnic to the park before work. But, variables threw our plans out of whack and we went to the Chinese buffet instead. I eat a couple of pieces of teriyaki chicken and then feel immensely full. Uncomfortably full. I drink some more sweet tea. Yuck. It's been over a year since I had any. How do people drink this stuff? Scott is yapping on about his former bandmates - none of whom I would trust with even a $1 bill and... what is he saying? Oh, god, I feel like shit. Shut up. I don't care right now. And suddenly I need the bathroom very, very quickly.

Me (interrupting): Excuse me, I don't mean to me rude, but I think I'm going to throw up.

Scott looks worried. I walk towards the bathroom. I consider running, but I'm afraid to jiggle my insides. They might all decide to stage a jail break. Why is this fucking restaurant so huge? How many people really need to eat at a Chinese buffet, anyway? Good god, is the bathroom moving farther away? Come back! I mean, at one time, how many people do they think they're going to seat? Why is this counter in my way?!

I make it to the toilet with about 2 seconds to spare. I like this chicken not so much anymore. I'm heaving into the toilet when I glance to my left. The trash can must have been forgotten for weeks. There is a hugely, disgustingly bloody pad on top. I heave harder, close my eyes, and try to banish the image from my mind. Blech!

I finish, wash, go back to the table.

Scott: Are you all right, honey?
Me (smiling sarcastically): Oh, I'm much better now.

Oh, god. He's still eating. The chewing. I can't take it. I chant silently to myself: "Stop. Chewing. Stop. Chewing. Stop. (I hold back my gag reflex) Chewing.

Scott (eyes widening in mock terror): Ohhhhhh god.
I look at him. He's no longer chewing. Thank god. Then, I realize what he's joking about.
Me: No. Shut up.
Scott: You know, you can be pregnant and still have your period.
Me: I'm not pregnant.
There is a pause while he looks at me.
Me: I'm not.
Scott (Who has to be at work in 45 minutes): Let's go.

He puts his arm around me as we walk.

Scott: Do you have any other symptoms?
Me (grinning): Just a week-long Krispy Kreme craving.
Scott (rolling his eyes and grinning): Oohhhh, god. Maybe we need one of those tests.
Me: Maybe.
Scott: Ohhh, god.
Me (grinning): Stop it. I don't think you'd be too upset.
Scott (smiling back at me): Oh, I'd be ecstatic.