Momnesia

DIY Fail

AUGUSTA, GA - Um, I think you've all seen my DIY, crafting, and Pinterest fails in the past. For example, I had to go out and buy spackle after my successful (eventually) attempt to hang a pot rack from the kitchen ceiling. And also to make so many extra, unnecessary holes that it looked like Al Capone had shot up the place. There were the cake pops, that ended up looking like reindeer poop... sigh.

But last week was the home improvement fail to take the cake... pop.

Emerson's bed is a four-poster princess deal. I bought it second-hand from one of those million-dollar-home neighborhoods in Columbia County - I've talked about my frugality before - so I figured it was good quality. It is. It's lovely.

It looks a lot like this bed. Or... it did.

Except... when I was trying to reassemble it at home, I realized that the previous owner had somehow stripped the wood inside the two foot-board posts and had stripped the bolt onto which the foot-board posts attach.

Dangit.

I had a lot of other stuff to do, and the two foot-board posts weren't structurally useful or aesthetically necessary, so I shoved them in Emerson's closet. Until last week when the thought that they had been sitting there for more than a year just really irritated me.

Okay, actually, I was hanging up her clothes and they tipped over, fell, and whacked me in the head. But anyway...

I examined them closer. There were signs that the previous owner had tried to do some kind of repair herself. There was a significantly sized puddle of clear glue that covered the screws in the right hole, and a smaller puddle that surrounded the screws in the left hole, which had also been partially removed and then stripped.

Great.

I thought I was going to have to replace the bolts and the posts entirely, until a friend convinced me that Gorilla Glue repairs all. I wouldn't be able to remove the posts at a future date - they would be permanently attached to the foot-board, but that wasn't a huge deal. I can fashion my impromptu lightsaber or jousting pole out of other materials in the future.

Here's the thing, y'all. I'm actually not really very good at putting things together. Or taking them apart. Or... anything. But glue? I know how to do that.



I do. Who needs directions on how to use glue, right? I mean, you squeeze the glue. You put the things together that you want to stick. You hold in place for a couple of minutes, and - voila! Done. Right?

Wrong.

Turns out (that's going to be the name of my autobiography: "Turns out...: Tales of Misdirection and... What Was I Saying?") that reading the directions on even mundane items like a bottle of glue can sometimes be necessary. Gives me new respect for whoever writes those ridiculous warning labels.

Because it turns out that Gorilla Glue EXPANDS TO 3-4 TIMES ITS SIZE as it dries.

See? It kind of foams up.

I set the posts, held them in place for about 5 minutes, and then walked downstairs. Thirty minutes later, when I went up to check on them, there was glue bubbling out of every hole and slowly trickling down the sides of the bed. And it was already setting.

Worst of all?  .... It had adhered one corner of her bed to the windowsill.

Nothing but the sheer force of my will would separate the window from the post. I had to brace both feet against the wall and pull. Then I had to scrape off the glue. I did my best, but I fully realize that I'll be sanding and painting a couple of spots.

Moral of the story? Don't let me do your home repairs.

And always read the directions.